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Chapter 13: Spoof Outside

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100 Spoofing Questions

1: What is your name?

Luo Yuchen: Luo Yuchen.

Fang Xieyi: Fang Xieyi.

Luo Yuchen: Wait! Why’s it him? Where is my Xiao Heng?

Fang Xieyi (scornfully): Hmph.

The Host:Orange^[1]: Fellow Luo Yuchen, please look at the title. It’s ‘100 Spoofing Questions’, not ‘100 Husband and Wife Questions’.

Luo Yuchen: You could have chosen someone else rather than this unrelated fox!

Fang Xieyi: Unrelated? That’s weird. I clearly remember that you are my brother-in-law… So you weren’t my brother-in-law? I will find Xiao Heng a new one tomorrow.

Luo Yuchen: You…!

Orange: My god. Why is the first question taking so long? Let’s proceed to the next question…

Luo Yuchen: You shut up!

2: Age?

Luo Yuchen: 28.

Fang Xieyi: 29.

Luo Yuchen: Really? I always thought you were 30+.

Fang Xieyi: … (You’ll pay for this.)

Orange: Why has the temperature dropped…? 

3: Gender?

Surprisingly, both Luo Yuchen and Fang Xieyi snorted together in tacit understanding.

4: What personality do you think you have?

Fang Xieyi: Kind-hearted.

Luo Yuchen (pondering): Probably not very good.

Fang Xieyi: So you actually knew…

Luo Yuchen: I’m not as shameless as you!

5: What about the other person’s personality?

Luo Yuchen: Gloomy, surly, cunning and sinister

Fang Xieyi: Fickle, ungrateful, stupid and stubborn.

Orange: Both of them are very enthusiastic and orderly… Cold sweat… 

6: When did you two first meet? Where was it?

Luo Yuchen: When I was 21. At a restaurant.

Fang Xieyi: When I was 22. I was having french cuisine with my cute younger brother when an uninvited guest popped up to have a free meal.

Luo Yuchen: I was invited by Xiao Heng alright? And I clearly arrived first!

7: What’s your first impression of the other person?

Luo Yuchen: He said he’s Xiao Heng’s brother, but why didn’t they look alike? He popped out randomly from nowhere and dared to take liberties with Xiao Heng. Don’t tell me he’s a fake?

Fang Xieyi: Why does my brother have a friend like this? So what if he was a little good looking? He’s so obstinate.

Xiao Heng: Was it like that? I remembered the two of you smiling happily and conversing harmoniously. I had thought… 

Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng, when did you arrive? Why are you sitting beside the weird host? Come here quickly.

Xiao Heng: I was hired to be the arbitrator of this 100 questions session. You guys can continue answering.

Luo Yuchen (turns around and asked softly): Fox, what weird things have you fed Xiao Heng…? 

8: What do you like about the other person?

Luo Yuchen: Ha!

Fang Xieyi: His expression after being abused.

Luo Yuchen: You!

9: What do you hate about the other person?

Luo Yuchen: Always coming to find Xiao Heng.

Fang Xieyi: Pestering my brother everyday.

10: Do you and the other’s personality mesh well?

Luo Yuchen and Fang Xieyi: Of course not.

11: How do you address the other person?

Luo Yuchen: It’s usually Fang Xieyi. If there’s no choice, I will address him as Director Fang. If possible, I wish that this name never appears again in my life.

Fang Xieyi: In front of Xiao Heng, I call him Luo Yuchen. In front of others, I call him Chen Shimei.

Luo Yuchen: … (Calm, cold, calm)

12: What do you wish for the other to call you by?

Luo Yuchen: If possible, I wish that he will never have the chance to call me again.

Fang Xieyi: Ay~ I just realised that even though this Luo Yuchen always has a bad temper, he is answering every question in today’s Q&A session. Is it a symptom of attending too many variety shows?

Xiao Heng: Let’s quickly proceed to the next question.

13: If the other is an animal, what would he be?

Luo Yuchen: What else is a better fit than fox? We often see his exposed fox tail.

Fang Xieyi: Pig, I guess.

Luo Yuchen: …What?

Fang Xieyi: Are you not? All you do is eat and sleep.

Xiao Heng: Actually… Luo Yuchen has been doing the housework recently… 

14: If you were to give the other a gift, what would it be?

Luo Yuchen: Bomb, grenade, torpedo?

Fang Xieyi: Just a small white chrysanthemum^[2] is enough. I don’t have to go to such lengths. It’s the thought that counts. Hahaha.

Xiao Heng: The two of you… 

15: Then, what gift do you wish to receive?

Fang Xieyi: Actually, I feel that he has been longing for my sports car.

Luo Yuchen: Actually, I feel that he has been longing for my Xiao Heng.

16: Does anything about the other dissatisfy you?? If yes, what?

Luo Yuchen and Fang Xieyi rolled up their sleeves: This question has finally come… 

Xiao Heng: Host, this question will take too long. Let’s skip it.

Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng, don’t try to protect that fox!

17: Do you have any weakness?

Fang Xieyi: Me? All the readers feel that I’m perfect. I believe in everyone.

Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng, let’s go home.

18: What’s the other’s weakness?

Xiao Heng: Host, please skip this question.

19: What’s something you hate the other person doing?

Luo Yuchen: I hate him always coming to my house whenever he is free. I hate him always bothering Xiao Heng whenever he is at the company. I hate him sowing discord for no reason. I hate him always taking liberties with my Xiao Heng. I hate him smoking to act cool. I hate him ordering a dish for Xiao Heng. I hate him calling me ‘my brother’s wife’. I hate him acting like a human when he is clearly a fox… 

Orange: Oh my, that’s some deep hatred… 

Xiao Heng: Host, please stop asking similar questions. It’s difficult to guard against them.

20: What is something you do that makes the other angry?

Fang Xieyi: He will be angry when our family is being happy and harmonious together.

Luo Yuchen: Your family being happy and harmonious means you and Xiao Heng being happy and harmonious!!!

Orange (quietly): I realised that Luo Yuchen is indeed really diligent when answering the questions… 

Xiao Heng: He’s indeed numb from all the talk shows.

21: What’s the extent of the two of you’s relationship?

Fang Xieyi: Clashing of bodies!

Luo Yuchen: Why use such a misleading description! It’s fighting. Fighting!

Xiao Heng: Have the two of you fought behind my back? When?

22: Where was the two of you’s first date?

Luo Yuchen and Fang Xieyi: Didn’t we answer this earlier? The first time we met was at a restaurant.

23: What was the ambience like back then?

Xiao Heng: I clearly remember that it was a harmonious ambience.

Luo Yuchen: What’s shown on the surface is different from what we were feeling within.

Fang Xieyi: The current is calm on the surface, but surging beneath.

24: Back then, what was the progress of your date?

Luo Yuchen: Handshake.

Fang Xieyi: Handshake. Then washing hands.

Luo Yuchen: … 

Xiao Heng: Luo Yuchen, calm down, calm down.

25: Which date spots do you guys often go to?

Fang Xieyi: KTV, bar, restaurant, amusement park and home. Actually, it’s always Xiao Heng who decides on the location.

Xiao Heng: I will look through more handbooks to find out more activities to do in the city.

26: How would you celebrate the other’s birthday?

Xiao Heng: I will carefully plan for Luo Yuchen’s birthday every year. Usually… 

Fang Xieyi: Luo Yuchen, how many times have you celebrated Xiao Heng’s birthday?

Luo Yuchen: I… Stop trying to sow discord!

27: Who’s the one who confessed?

Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng. (Beautiful smile)

Fang Xieyi: My disappointing younger brother needs to improve his taste in men.

28: To what extent do you like the other?

Fang Xieyi: I dislike Luo Yuchen very much.

Luo Yuchen: As if I like you!

29: Then, is it love?

The two of them looked at each other in mutual dislike.

30: What is something the other says that you can’t go against?

Luo Yuchen: “Xiao Heng, go to the meeting with me.” Just where does all the numerous number of meetings come from!

Fang Xieyi: Xiao Heng, let’s go to a meeting after answering the questions.

Xiao Heng: … 

31: Have you ever suspected the other of being fickle? What will you do?

Fang Xieyi: Yes, I’m constantly suspecting him. Of course, if I find out that he has done my brother wrong, I will cook him slowly with gentle heat and let him sodden in the pot till no scum is left behind… Hehehehe… 

Luo Yuchen: I’m not fickle!

32: Can you tolerate fickleness?

Fang Xieyi: Want to try dying this once^[3]… 

Orange: … (Gasp! Fang Xieyi watches Hell Girl too?)

33: What would you do if you went on a date but the other is one hour late?

Luo Yuchen: Persuade Xiao Heng not to wait anymore and to go home with me.

Fang Xieyi: Tell Xiao Heng that one should know how to enjoy life. Time is very precious, let’s dump this one and find a younger and prettier one.

Orange: The latter is more ruthless… 

34: Which part of the other’s body do you like the most?

Fang Xieyi: To be honest, I like the whole of Luo Yuchen’s body.

Luo Yuchen: !!

Fang Xieyi: Luo Yuchen’s body is like a banknote, he is a great source of income for the company.

Xiao Heng: … That’s true.

Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng, don’t go along with him!

35: What does the other do that is the sexiest?

Luo Yuchen: Please don’t associate the word ‘sexy’ with fox Fang. I can’t accept it.

Fang Xieyi: Everytime I see him pretending to be sexy in those posters, I feel chilled…

36: When do you feel anxious?

Luo Yuchen: … 

Orange: You look like you have something to say.

Fang Xieyi: Ha, isn’t it when I call him saying “Xiao Heng is staying with me tonight”… 

Luo Yuchen: … (Clenching his teeth)

37: Have you ever lied to the other? Are you good at it?

Fang Xieyi. Mr Fickle Man over here is very good at it.

Luo Yuchen: I’m very honest. You’re the one who’s always lying!

38: When do you feel the happiest?

Luo Yuchen: When I’m with Xiao Heng.

Xiao Heng: … (Smile)

Fang Xieyi: When my brother is not with him.

39: Have you guys argued before?

Fang Xieyi: Yes.

40: What kind of argument was it?

Fang Xieyi: The most serious one was when he hit my brother.

Luo Yuchen: … 

Xiao Heng: Fang Xieyi… 

Fang Xieyi: I’m just answering the question.

Luo Yuchen: You can continue sowing discord. In any case, I will definitely not do that to Xiao Heng again.

Xiao Heng: Luo Yuchen no longer argues with me over trivial things.

Luo Yuchen: Now that you mention it, the reason for our occasional arguments these days seem to all be because of this fox…

41: How do you reconcile?

Luo Yuchen: … 

Xiao Heng: … 

Luo Yuchen: Fine fine. Nowadays, I will take the initiative to lower my head!

Fang Xieyi: Oh, you have finally learnt… 

41: Will you become lovers even in the next life?

Fang Xieyi: No!

Luo Yuchen: Who wants to be with you! I can’t wait for you to not bother Xiao Heng and I in the next life!

43: When is it that you feel ‘I’m being loved’?

Fang Xieyi: The rare moments when Xiao Heng calls me “brother”.

Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng, don’t ever call him “brother” again in the future!

44: When is it that you feel ‘Don’t you love me?’?

Fang Xieyi: Ah. I’ve never doubted Xiao Heng’s feelings for me before.

Luo Yuchen: Stop trying to be so misleading!

45: How do you express your love?

Luo Yuchen: Cooking for Xiao Heng.

Fang Xieyi: My brother’s wife, your cooking is definitely the way you express your hate… 

Luo Yuchen: I’m still learning! And I have been constantly improving. Isn’t that right, Xiao Heng?

Xiao Heng: … (Looking away)

46: What flower suits the other?

Fang Xieyi: A white chrysanthemum… The one you offer before the memorial tablet… 

Luo Yuchen: You… 

47: Is there a secret between the two of you?

Fang Xieyi: Should I share it with Xiao Heng?

Xiao Heng: What is it?

Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng, don’t be tricked by him so easily!

48: Do you have a complex?

Luo Yuchen: He longs for his brother!

Fang Xieyi: He longs for my brother!

Luo Yuchen: What’s wrong with me longing for your brother!

49: Do the people around know about your relationship or is it a secret?

Luo Yuchen and Fang Xieyi: It’s very open.

Xiao Heng (sigh): Everyone knows that they are on bad terms.

50: Do you think your love will be everlasting?

Fang Xieyi: I will find many excellent men for Xiao Heng to pick in hopes Xiao Heng will jump out of the pit earlier.

Luo Yuchen: Hmph, you will never see that day!

51: Are you a top or bottom?

Fang Xieyi: … (Smiling conceitedly)

Luo Yuchen: Oh really? I’ve always thought you were a domineering bottom. Isn’t it typical to be smart and black-bellied?

Orange: As your mother, I will tell you without any bias. Luo Yuchen, you’re at best a normal top. Fang Xieyi is a full-fledged top-only top. Which means, the chance of a strong bottom topping you instead is above 35% but 0% for Fang Xieyi.

Luo Yuchen: … (This doesn’t make sense)

52: How is it decided?

Fang Xieyi: Of course it is decided based on IQ.

Orange: My son is smart… 

Luo Yuchen: Are you sure you’re not biased!?

53: Are you happy with this status?

Luo Yuchen: Let’s ignore the fox. Anyway, it’s me topping Xiao Heng for my case and I’m satisfied with it.

Fang Xieyi: (Charming smile) Write about the bottom topping back the top.

Orange: Okay… 

Luo Yuchen: Why do you not have your own stance as an author!?

54: When was your first time?

Fang Xieyi: A night one week after moving into a new house.

Luo Yuchen: You, you, how did you know… ?

55: How did it feel…?

Fang Xieyi: I don’t want to say. I’m afraid I will hurt someone’s pride.

Luo Yuchen: You… You… 

56: How did the other look like at that time?

Fang Xieyi: Probably similar to those wearing very little in the posters.

Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng, let’s not answer anymore. Let’s go home.

57: What was the first sentence said after the first night?

Fang Xieyi: Someone asked very fiercely, “Are you satisfied yet?”

Xiao Heng: … 

Luo Yuchen: Stop bringing up old scores!

58: How many times a week?

Fang Xieyi: More than once a day.

Luo Yuchen: Why do you know about this too?

Fang Xieyi: It’s not difficult to guess for people like you who only think with their lower half.

Xiao Heng: Luo Yuchen, let’s go home.

59: What’s your ideal number of times a week?

Luo Yuchen: The more the better.

Fang Xieyi: The lesser the better.

60: What’s your ideal sex?

Luo Yuchen: It has always been ideal.

Fang Xieyi: He will care for my brother while he is feeling good.

Luo Yuchen: I always pleased Xiao Heng first alright!

61: Where’s your most sensitive location?

Luo Yuchen: I don’t wish to say it in front of this fox… 

Fang Xieyi: I don’t want to know at all.

62: Where’s the other’s most sensitive location?

Both of them looked at Xiao Heng.

Xiao Heng: What are you guys looking at me for!?

63: Use one sentence to describe the other during sex.

Luo Yuchen: Don’t make me think of something so disgusting.

Fang Xieyi (on his phone): Hey, help me get in touch with the director. Let me know if the H show that Luo Yuchen will be acting in can be more open… Hm, there’s no limit to it… 

Luo Yuchen: What are you trying to do!?

Fang Xieyi: In this way, I will definitely be able to use one sentence to describe you during sex.

64: Be honest, do you like or dislike having sex?

Luo Yuchen: Both Xiao Heng and I love it.

Xiao Heng: … (Blushing)

65: Where do you usually have sex?

Fang Xieyi: At home, and perhaps at one corner of a public space.

Xiao Heng: Stop saying nonsense. We have never done it in a public space!

Luo Yuchen: Hey Xiao Heng, if that’s the case, should we try it next time?

66: What would like the settings of your sex to be like? (Time, location, attire… )

Luo Yuchen: Let’s have an in depth discussion when we get home?

Xiao Heng: … 

67: Do you bathe before or after sex?

Luo Yuchen: Before.

Fang Xieyi: Hmph.

68: Do the two of you have any sort of agreements when you have sex?

Luo Yuchen: What do you mean by “agreements”?

69: Have you had sex with someone else other than him?

Luo Yuchen: … 

Fang Xieyi: Cut it.

70: Do you agree with the sentence “Even if I can’t get his heart, at least I get his body”?

Fang Xieyi: I think my brother used to agree to that sentence.

Xiao Heng: Now, I disagree with that. Strongly disagree.

Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng… Did you regret the 10 years… 

Xiao Heng: … 

Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng… 

Xiao Heng: Alright alright. I was just kidding.

71: What will you do if the other is raped by a ruffian?

Fang Xieyi: That’s great. He deserves it.

Luo Yuchen: Fang, Xie, Yi… 

72: Do you feel shy before or after sex?

Luo Yuchen: I’m always shy.

Fang Xieyi: And you’re always very shameless.

73: “Just tonight, I feel so lonely…” If your good friend says that to you and asks for sex, what will you do?

Fang Xieyi: I feel that if “someone” says that to Luo Yuchen, it’s hard for him to stand firm.

Luo Yuchen: I won’t do it!

74: Do you think that you are good at sex??

Fang Xieyi: He’s very bad at it. He always injures Xiao Heng.

Luo Yuchen: What? (Pulls Xiao Heng over for a check)

Xiao Heng: That’s the past.

75: Is the other good at sex?

Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng is awesome.

Fang Xieyi: Hmph, what a waste, being with you.

76: What do you like the other to say when you are having sex?

Luo Yuchen: I like it when he calls my name.

Fang Xieyi: Luo Yuchen, Luo Yuchen, Luo Yuchen, Luo Yuchen, Luo Yuchen… 

Luo Yuchen: I don’t like it when you call. Stop ruining the mood!

77: When you are having sex, what expression of the other do you like to see the most?

Luo Yuchen: When Xiao Heng feels happy, he will secretly turn to one side and smile. When I see that, I feel very happy too.

Fang Xieyi: That expression of Xiao Heng is not limited to being above bed.

Luo Yuchen: I’m answering the question seriously!

78: Do you think it’s acceptable to have sex with someone else other than your lover?

Luo Yuchen: No.

Fang Xieyi: Why not? Haven’t you done it before?

Luo Yuchen: From now on, I won’t do it with anyone else except Xiao Heng.

Fang Xieyi: Hmph. Let’s wait and see.

79: Are you interested in S&M?

Luo Yuchen: No.

Fang Xieyi: Oh? You’re not? Okay. Let’s settle some old scores now.

Luo Yuchen: … 

Xiao Heng: Fang Xieyi, that’s already the past. Stop bullying him.

80: What will you do if the other suddenly stops desiring your body?

Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng’s love for me is not related to my body.

Fang Xieyi: Therefore, you can continue sleeping and eating. Hurry up and turn fat and see if Xiao Heng dumps you.

81: Thoughts on rape?

Luo Yuchen: Imprisonment for 10 years. Not worth it.

Fang Xieyi: It’s not considered as rape if the victim is a man.

Luo Yuchen: Really?

Fang Xieyi: Poor fellow who doesn’t know the law… 

82: What’s the most agonizing moment during sex.

Luo Yuchen: Time is too short.

Fang Xieyi: Oh. Haha. So you’re actually… 

Luo Yuchen: I don’t mean it that way. I meant that the sun rises very quickly!

Fang Xieyi: Oh? I believe more in my own conjecture.

Luo Yuchen: You!

83: Up till today, where is the most stimulating location you had sex at?

Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng, look at us. Can you think of any presentable answers to this question? Let’s try it at the terrace next time.

Xiao Heng: … 

84: Has the bottom took the initiative to ask for sex before?

Luo Yuchen (proudly): Yes.

Xiao Heng: Don’t touch me for one week.

Luo Yuchen: Ah! Why are you suddenly angry?

Fang Xieyi: Hmph hmph.

85: What was the top’s reaction?

Xiao Heng: Let’s skip this question.

Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng, I’m sorry for what I did before… 

86: Has the top raped before?

Luo Yuchen: No.

87: What was the bottom’s reaction then?

Fang Xieyi: Forced to submit.

Luo Yuchen: It never happened before!

88: What’s is your ideal sex partner like?

Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng is very ideal!

Fang Xieyi: There’re so many handsome men under our company. Xiao Heng should have better choices.

89: Does the other fit your ideal?

Fang Xieyi: Luo Yuchen is far from my standard.

Luo Yuchen: Who’d wish to be a part of your standard!?

90: Do you use tools during sex?

Fang Xieyi: Oh. I gifted them a box during the Qixi Festival.

Luo Yuchen: That was the only time I felt that Fang Xieyi was actually a decent person.

91: How old were you when you had your first time?

Luo Yuchen: 21.

Xiao Heng: Gasp! Your first time was with me?

Luo Yuchen: That’s right! You only knew now?

Xiao Heng: I had thought… 

Fang Xieyi: I guess your poor skill is understandable if that was your first time.

Luo Yuchen: You!

92: Is that person the same as the one now?

Xiao Heng is very happy because of the previous question, he is smiling very brightly.

Luo Yuchen: … (Suddenly feeling defeated for no reason)

93: Where do you like to be kissed at the most?

Luo Yuchen: Lips. It feels different there.

Fang Xieyi: Look who’s acting proper.

94: Where do you like to kiss the most?

Luo Yuchen: Just a normal kiss will do.

Fang Xieyi: Stop smiling so foolishly. In any case, you’re my brother’s wife. Pay attention to your image.

95: What is it you do during sex that makes the other the most happy?

Luo Yuchen: Telling him I love him.

Fang Xieyi: My brother is so easily excited.

96: What do you think about during sex?

Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng is the best.

Fang Xieyi: Finally he knows about gratitude.

97: How many times do you do it a night?

Luo Yuchen: Right now, I’m still worried about Xiao Heng’s health. However, the number will increase in the future.

Fang Xieyi: Worried about kidney deficiency^[4].

98: During sex, do you remove your clothes yourself or is it removed by the other?

Luo Yuchen: I help Xiao Heng remove his clothes.

Fang Xieyi: My brother’s clothes get removed. Sigh… 

99: What is sex to you…?

Luo Yuchen: It’s love.

Fang Xieyi: For your case, I bet it’s just for satisfying your own lust.

100: Lastly, say something to the other~

Fang Xieyi: Treat my brother well.

Luo Yuchen: You can be rest assured. Also, stop coming to my house if you have nothing on. (Pulls Xiao Heng away at rocket speed)

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Footnotes:

[1]Orange – Part of the author’s name.

[2]White chrysanthemum – An offering at a funeral.

[3]Want to try dying this once – Hell Girl’s catchphrase in the anime.

[4]Kidney deficiency – According to Wikipedia, kidney deficiencies leads to: Sexual dysfunctions; premature ejaculation or impotence

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