Chapter 13: Spoof Outside
100 Spoofing Questions
1: What is your name?
Luo Yuchen: Luo Yuchen.
Fang Xieyi: Fang Xieyi.
Luo Yuchen: Wait! Why’s it him? Where is my Xiao Heng?
Fang Xieyi (scornfully): Hmph.
The Host:Orange: Fellow Luo Yuchen, please look at the title. It’s ‘100 Spoofing Questions’, not ‘100 Husband and Wife Questions’.
Luo Yuchen: You could have chosen someone else rather than this unrelated fox!
Fang Xieyi: Unrelated? That’s weird. I clearly remember that you are my brother-in-law… So you weren’t my brother-in-law? I will find Xiao Heng a new one tomorrow.
Luo Yuchen: You…!
Orange: My god. Why is the first question taking so long? Let’s proceed to the next question…
Luo Yuchen: You shut up!
Luo Yuchen: 28.
Fang Xieyi: 29.
Luo Yuchen: Really? I always thought you were 30+.
Fang Xieyi: … (You’ll pay for this.)
Orange: Why has the temperature dropped…?
Surprisingly, both Luo Yuchen and Fang Xieyi snorted together in tacit understanding.
4: What personality do you think you have?
Fang Xieyi: Kind-hearted.
Luo Yuchen (pondering): Probably not very good.
Fang Xieyi: So you actually knew…
Luo Yuchen: I’m not as shameless as you!
5: What about the other person’s personality?
Luo Yuchen: Gloomy, surly, cunning and sinister
Fang Xieyi: Fickle, ungrateful, stupid and stubborn.
Orange: Both of them are very enthusiastic and orderly… Cold sweat…
6: When did you two first meet? Where was it?
Luo Yuchen: When I was 21. At a restaurant.
Fang Xieyi: When I was 22. I was having french cuisine with my cute younger brother when an uninvited guest popped up to have a free meal.
Luo Yuchen: I was invited by Xiao Heng alright? And I clearly arrived first!
7: What’s your first impression of the other person?
Luo Yuchen: He said he’s Xiao Heng’s brother, but why didn’t they look alike? He popped out randomly from nowhere and dared to take liberties with Xiao Heng. Don’t tell me he’s a fake?
Fang Xieyi: Why does my brother have a friend like this? So what if he was a little good looking? He’s so obstinate.
Xiao Heng: Was it like that? I remembered the two of you smiling happily and conversing harmoniously. I had thought…
Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng, when did you arrive? Why are you sitting beside the weird host? Come here quickly.
Xiao Heng: I was hired to be the arbitrator of this 100 questions session. You guys can continue answering.
Luo Yuchen (turns around and asked softly): Fox, what weird things have you fed Xiao Heng…?
8: What do you like about the other person?
Luo Yuchen: Ha!
Fang Xieyi: His expression after being abused.
Luo Yuchen: You!
9: What do you hate about the other person?
Luo Yuchen: Always coming to find Xiao Heng.
Fang Xieyi: Pestering my brother everyday.
10: Do you and the other’s personality mesh well?
Luo Yuchen and Fang Xieyi: Of course not.
11: How do you address the other person?
Luo Yuchen: It’s usually Fang Xieyi. If there’s no choice, I will address him as Director Fang. If possible, I wish that this name never appears again in my life.
Fang Xieyi: In front of Xiao Heng, I call him Luo Yuchen. In front of others, I call him Chen Shimei.
Luo Yuchen: … (Calm, cold, calm)
12: What do you wish for the other to call you by?
Luo Yuchen: If possible, I wish that he will never have the chance to call me again.
Fang Xieyi: Ay~ I just realised that even though this Luo Yuchen always has a bad temper, he is answering every question in today’s Q&A session. Is it a symptom of attending too many variety shows?
Xiao Heng: Let’s quickly proceed to the next question.
13: If the other is an animal, what would he be?
Luo Yuchen: What else is a better fit than fox? We often see his exposed fox tail.
Fang Xieyi: Pig, I guess.
Luo Yuchen: …What?
Fang Xieyi: Are you not? All you do is eat and sleep.
Xiao Heng: Actually… Luo Yuchen has been doing the housework recently…
14: If you were to give the other a gift, what would it be?
Luo Yuchen: Bomb, grenade, torpedo?
Fang Xieyi: Just a small white chrysanthemum is enough. I don’t have to go to such lengths. It’s the thought that counts. Hahaha.
Xiao Heng: The two of you…
15: Then, what gift do you wish to receive?
Fang Xieyi: Actually, I feel that he has been longing for my sports car.
Luo Yuchen: Actually, I feel that he has been longing for my Xiao Heng.
16: Does anything about the other dissatisfy you?? If yes, what?
Luo Yuchen and Fang Xieyi rolled up their sleeves: This question has finally come…
Xiao Heng: Host, this question will take too long. Let’s skip it.
Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng, don’t try to protect that fox!
17: Do you have any weakness?
Fang Xieyi: Me? All the readers feel that I’m perfect. I believe in everyone.
Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng, let’s go home.
18: What’s the other’s weakness?
Xiao Heng: Host, please skip this question.
19: What’s something you hate the other person doing?
Luo Yuchen: I hate him always coming to my house whenever he is free. I hate him always bothering Xiao Heng whenever he is at the company. I hate him sowing discord for no reason. I hate him always taking liberties with my Xiao Heng. I hate him smoking to act cool. I hate him ordering a dish for Xiao Heng. I hate him calling me ‘my brother’s wife’. I hate him acting like a human when he is clearly a fox…
Orange: Oh my, that’s some deep hatred…
Xiao Heng: Host, please stop asking similar questions. It’s difficult to guard against them.
20: What is something you do that makes the other angry?
Fang Xieyi: He will be angry when our family is being happy and harmonious together.
Luo Yuchen: Your family being happy and harmonious means you and Xiao Heng being happy and harmonious!!!
Orange (quietly): I realised that Luo Yuchen is indeed really diligent when answering the questions…
Xiao Heng: He’s indeed numb from all the talk shows.
21: What’s the extent of the two of you’s relationship?
Fang Xieyi: Clashing of bodies!
Luo Yuchen: Why use such a misleading description! It’s fighting. Fighting!
Xiao Heng: Have the two of you fought behind my back? When?
22: Where was the two of you’s first date?
Luo Yuchen and Fang Xieyi: Didn’t we answer this earlier? The first time we met was at a restaurant.
23: What was the ambience like back then?
Xiao Heng: I clearly remember that it was a harmonious ambience.
Luo Yuchen: What’s shown on the surface is different from what we were feeling within.
Fang Xieyi: The current is calm on the surface, but surging beneath.
24: Back then, what was the progress of your date?
Luo Yuchen: Handshake.
Fang Xieyi: Handshake. Then washing hands.
Luo Yuchen: …
Xiao Heng: Luo Yuchen, calm down, calm down.
25: Which date spots do you guys often go to?
Fang Xieyi: KTV, bar, restaurant, amusement park and home. Actually, it’s always Xiao Heng who decides on the location.
Xiao Heng: I will look through more handbooks to find out more activities to do in the city.
26: How would you celebrate the other’s birthday?
Xiao Heng: I will carefully plan for Luo Yuchen’s birthday every year. Usually…
Fang Xieyi: Luo Yuchen, how many times have you celebrated Xiao Heng’s birthday?
Luo Yuchen: I… Stop trying to sow discord!
27: Who’s the one who confessed?
Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng. (Beautiful smile)
Fang Xieyi: My disappointing younger brother needs to improve his taste in men.
28: To what extent do you like the other?
Fang Xieyi: I dislike Luo Yuchen very much.
Luo Yuchen: As if I like you!
29: Then, is it love?
The two of them looked at each other in mutual dislike.
30: What is something the other says that you can’t go against?
Luo Yuchen: “Xiao Heng, go to the meeting with me.” Just where does all the numerous number of meetings come from!
Fang Xieyi: Xiao Heng, let’s go to a meeting after answering the questions.
Xiao Heng: …
31: Have you ever suspected the other of being fickle? What will you do?
Fang Xieyi: Yes, I’m constantly suspecting him. Of course, if I find out that he has done my brother wrong, I will cook him slowly with gentle heat and let him sodden in the pot till no scum is left behind… Hehehehe…
Luo Yuchen: I’m not fickle!
32: Can you tolerate fickleness?
Fang Xieyi: Want to try dying this once…
Orange: … (Gasp! Fang Xieyi watches Hell Girl too?)
33: What would you do if you went on a date but the other is one hour late?
Luo Yuchen: Persuade Xiao Heng not to wait anymore and to go home with me.
Fang Xieyi: Tell Xiao Heng that one should know how to enjoy life. Time is very precious, let’s dump this one and find a younger and prettier one.
Orange: The latter is more ruthless…
34: Which part of the other’s body do you like the most?
Fang Xieyi: To be honest, I like the whole of Luo Yuchen’s body.
Luo Yuchen: !!
Fang Xieyi: Luo Yuchen’s body is like a banknote, he is a great source of income for the company.
Xiao Heng: … That’s true.
Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng, don’t go along with him!
35: What does the other do that is the sexiest?
Luo Yuchen: Please don’t associate the word ‘sexy’ with fox Fang. I can’t accept it.
Fang Xieyi: Everytime I see him pretending to be sexy in those posters, I feel chilled…
36: When do you feel anxious?
Luo Yuchen: …
Orange: You look like you have something to say.
Fang Xieyi: Ha, isn’t it when I call him saying “Xiao Heng is staying with me tonight”…
Luo Yuchen: … (Clenching his teeth)
37: Have you ever lied to the other? Are you good at it?
Fang Xieyi. Mr Fickle Man over here is very good at it.
Luo Yuchen: I’m very honest. You’re the one who’s always lying!
38: When do you feel the happiest?
Luo Yuchen: When I’m with Xiao Heng.
Xiao Heng: … (Smile)
Fang Xieyi: When my brother is not with him.
39: Have you guys argued before?
Fang Xieyi: Yes.
40: What kind of argument was it?
Fang Xieyi: The most serious one was when he hit my brother.
Luo Yuchen: …
Xiao Heng: Fang Xieyi…
Fang Xieyi: I’m just answering the question.
Luo Yuchen: You can continue sowing discord. In any case, I will definitely not do that to Xiao Heng again.
Xiao Heng: Luo Yuchen no longer argues with me over trivial things.
Luo Yuchen: Now that you mention it, the reason for our occasional arguments these days seem to all be because of this fox…
41: How do you reconcile?
Luo Yuchen: …
Xiao Heng: …
Luo Yuchen: Fine fine. Nowadays, I will take the initiative to lower my head!
Fang Xieyi: Oh, you have finally learnt…
41: Will you become lovers even in the next life?
Fang Xieyi: No!
Luo Yuchen: Who wants to be with you! I can’t wait for you to not bother Xiao Heng and I in the next life!
43: When is it that you feel ‘I’m being loved’?
Fang Xieyi: The rare moments when Xiao Heng calls me “brother”.
Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng, don’t ever call him “brother” again in the future!
44: When is it that you feel ‘Don’t you love me?’?
Fang Xieyi: Ah. I’ve never doubted Xiao Heng’s feelings for me before.
Luo Yuchen: Stop trying to be so misleading!
45: How do you express your love?
Luo Yuchen: Cooking for Xiao Heng.
Fang Xieyi: My brother’s wife, your cooking is definitely the way you express your hate…
Luo Yuchen: I’m still learning! And I have been constantly improving. Isn’t that right, Xiao Heng?
Xiao Heng: … (Looking away)
46: What flower suits the other?
Fang Xieyi: A white chrysanthemum… The one you offer before the memorial tablet…
Luo Yuchen: You…
47: Is there a secret between the two of you?
Fang Xieyi: Should I share it with Xiao Heng?
Xiao Heng: What is it?
Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng, don’t be tricked by him so easily!
48: Do you have a complex?
Luo Yuchen: He longs for his brother!
Fang Xieyi: He longs for my brother!
Luo Yuchen: What’s wrong with me longing for your brother!
49: Do the people around know about your relationship or is it a secret?
Luo Yuchen and Fang Xieyi: It’s very open.
Xiao Heng (sigh): Everyone knows that they are on bad terms.
50: Do you think your love will be everlasting?
Fang Xieyi: I will find many excellent men for Xiao Heng to pick in hopes Xiao Heng will jump out of the pit earlier.
Luo Yuchen: Hmph, you will never see that day!
51: Are you a top or bottom?
Fang Xieyi: … (Smiling conceitedly)
Luo Yuchen: Oh really? I’ve always thought you were a domineering bottom. Isn’t it typical to be smart and black-bellied?
Orange: As your mother, I will tell you without any bias. Luo Yuchen, you’re at best a normal top. Fang Xieyi is a full-fledged top-only top. Which means, the chance of a strong bottom topping you instead is above 35% but 0% for Fang Xieyi.
Luo Yuchen: … (This doesn’t make sense)
52: How is it decided?
Fang Xieyi: Of course it is decided based on IQ.
Orange: My son is smart…
Luo Yuchen: Are you sure you’re not biased!?
53: Are you happy with this status?
Luo Yuchen: Let’s ignore the fox. Anyway, it’s me topping Xiao Heng for my case and I’m satisfied with it.
Fang Xieyi: (Charming smile) Write about the bottom topping back the top.
Luo Yuchen: Why do you not have your own stance as an author!?
54: When was your first time?
Fang Xieyi: A night one week after moving into a new house.
Luo Yuchen: You, you, how did you know… ?
55: How did it feel…?
Fang Xieyi: I don’t want to say. I’m afraid I will hurt someone’s pride.
Luo Yuchen: You… You…
56: How did the other look like at that time?
Fang Xieyi: Probably similar to those wearing very little in the posters.
Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng, let’s not answer anymore. Let’s go home.
57: What was the first sentence said after the first night?
Fang Xieyi: Someone asked very fiercely, “Are you satisfied yet?”
Xiao Heng: …
Luo Yuchen: Stop bringing up old scores!
58: How many times a week?
Fang Xieyi: More than once a day.
Luo Yuchen: Why do you know about this too?
Fang Xieyi: It’s not difficult to guess for people like you who only think with their lower half.
Xiao Heng: Luo Yuchen, let’s go home.
59: What’s your ideal number of times a week?
Luo Yuchen: The more the better.
Fang Xieyi: The lesser the better.
60: What’s your ideal sex?
Luo Yuchen: It has always been ideal.
Fang Xieyi: He will care for my brother while he is feeling good.
Luo Yuchen: I always pleased Xiao Heng first alright!
61: Where’s your most sensitive location?
Luo Yuchen: I don’t wish to say it in front of this fox…
Fang Xieyi: I don’t want to know at all.
62: Where’s the other’s most sensitive location?
Both of them looked at Xiao Heng.
Xiao Heng: What are you guys looking at me for!?
63: Use one sentence to describe the other during sex.
Luo Yuchen: Don’t make me think of something so disgusting.
Fang Xieyi (on his phone): Hey, help me get in touch with the director. Let me know if the H show that Luo Yuchen will be acting in can be more open… Hm, there’s no limit to it…
Luo Yuchen: What are you trying to do!?
Fang Xieyi: In this way, I will definitely be able to use one sentence to describe you during sex.
64: Be honest, do you like or dislike having sex?
Luo Yuchen: Both Xiao Heng and I love it.
Xiao Heng: … (Blushing)
65: Where do you usually have sex?
Fang Xieyi: At home, and perhaps at one corner of a public space.
Xiao Heng: Stop saying nonsense. We have never done it in a public space!
Luo Yuchen: Hey Xiao Heng, if that’s the case, should we try it next time?
66: What would like the settings of your sex to be like? (Time, location, attire… )
Luo Yuchen: Let’s have an in depth discussion when we get home?
Xiao Heng: …
67: Do you bathe before or after sex?
Luo Yuchen: Before.
Fang Xieyi: Hmph.
68: Do the two of you have any sort of agreements when you have sex?
Luo Yuchen: What do you mean by “agreements”?
69: Have you had sex with someone else other than him?
Luo Yuchen: …
Fang Xieyi: Cut it.
70: Do you agree with the sentence “Even if I can’t get his heart, at least I get his body”?
Fang Xieyi: I think my brother used to agree to that sentence.
Xiao Heng: Now, I disagree with that. Strongly disagree.
Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng… Did you regret the 10 years…
Xiao Heng: …
Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng…
Xiao Heng: Alright alright. I was just kidding.
71: What will you do if the other is raped by a ruffian?
Fang Xieyi: That’s great. He deserves it.
Luo Yuchen: Fang, Xie, Yi…
72: Do you feel shy before or after sex?
Luo Yuchen: I’m always shy.
Fang Xieyi: And you’re always very shameless.
73: “Just tonight, I feel so lonely…” If your good friend says that to you and asks for sex, what will you do?
Fang Xieyi: I feel that if “someone” says that to Luo Yuchen, it’s hard for him to stand firm.
Luo Yuchen: I won’t do it!
74: Do you think that you are good at sex??
Fang Xieyi: He’s very bad at it. He always injures Xiao Heng.
Luo Yuchen: What? (Pulls Xiao Heng over for a check)
Xiao Heng: That’s the past.
75: Is the other good at sex?
Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng is awesome.
Fang Xieyi: Hmph, what a waste, being with you.
76: What do you like the other to say when you are having sex?
Luo Yuchen: I like it when he calls my name.
Fang Xieyi: Luo Yuchen, Luo Yuchen, Luo Yuchen, Luo Yuchen, Luo Yuchen…
Luo Yuchen: I don’t like it when you call. Stop ruining the mood!
77: When you are having sex, what expression of the other do you like to see the most?
Luo Yuchen: When Xiao Heng feels happy, he will secretly turn to one side and smile. When I see that, I feel very happy too.
Fang Xieyi: That expression of Xiao Heng is not limited to being above bed.
Luo Yuchen: I’m answering the question seriously!
78: Do you think it’s acceptable to have sex with someone else other than your lover?
Luo Yuchen: No.
Fang Xieyi: Why not? Haven’t you done it before?
Luo Yuchen: From now on, I won’t do it with anyone else except Xiao Heng.
Fang Xieyi: Hmph. Let’s wait and see.
79: Are you interested in S&M?
Luo Yuchen: No.
Fang Xieyi: Oh? You’re not? Okay. Let’s settle some old scores now.
Luo Yuchen: …
Xiao Heng: Fang Xieyi, that’s already the past. Stop bullying him.
80: What will you do if the other suddenly stops desiring your body?
Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng’s love for me is not related to my body.
Fang Xieyi: Therefore, you can continue sleeping and eating. Hurry up and turn fat and see if Xiao Heng dumps you.
81: Thoughts on rape?
Luo Yuchen: Imprisonment for 10 years. Not worth it.
Fang Xieyi: It’s not considered as rape if the victim is a man.
Luo Yuchen: Really?
Fang Xieyi: Poor fellow who doesn’t know the law…
82: What’s the most agonizing moment during sex.
Luo Yuchen: Time is too short.
Fang Xieyi: Oh. Haha. So you’re actually…
Luo Yuchen: I don’t mean it that way. I meant that the sun rises very quickly!
Fang Xieyi: Oh? I believe more in my own conjecture.
Luo Yuchen: You!
83: Up till today, where is the most stimulating location you had sex at?
Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng, look at us. Can you think of any presentable answers to this question? Let’s try it at the terrace next time.
Xiao Heng: …
84: Has the bottom took the initiative to ask for sex before?
Luo Yuchen (proudly): Yes.
Xiao Heng: Don’t touch me for one week.
Luo Yuchen: Ah! Why are you suddenly angry?
Fang Xieyi: Hmph hmph.
85: What was the top’s reaction?
Xiao Heng: Let’s skip this question.
Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng, I’m sorry for what I did before…
86: Has the top raped before?
Luo Yuchen: No.
87: What was the bottom’s reaction then?
Fang Xieyi: Forced to submit.
Luo Yuchen: It never happened before!
88: What’s is your ideal sex partner like?
Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng is very ideal!
Fang Xieyi: There’re so many handsome men under our company. Xiao Heng should have better choices.
89: Does the other fit your ideal?
Fang Xieyi: Luo Yuchen is far from my standard.
Luo Yuchen: Who’d wish to be a part of your standard!?
90: Do you use tools during sex?
Fang Xieyi: Oh. I gifted them a box during the Qixi Festival.
Luo Yuchen: That was the only time I felt that Fang Xieyi was actually a decent person.
91: How old were you when you had your first time?
Luo Yuchen: 21.
Xiao Heng: Gasp! Your first time was with me?
Luo Yuchen: That’s right! You only knew now?
Xiao Heng: I had thought…
Fang Xieyi: I guess your poor skill is understandable if that was your first time.
Luo Yuchen: You!
92: Is that person the same as the one now?
Xiao Heng is very happy because of the previous question, he is smiling very brightly.
Luo Yuchen: … (Suddenly feeling defeated for no reason)
93: Where do you like to be kissed at the most?
Luo Yuchen: Lips. It feels different there.
Fang Xieyi: Look who’s acting proper.
94: Where do you like to kiss the most?
Luo Yuchen: Just a normal kiss will do.
Fang Xieyi: Stop smiling so foolishly. In any case, you’re my brother’s wife. Pay attention to your image.
95: What is it you do during sex that makes the other the most happy?
Luo Yuchen: Telling him I love him.
Fang Xieyi: My brother is so easily excited.
96: What do you think about during sex?
Luo Yuchen: Xiao Heng is the best.
Fang Xieyi: Finally he knows about gratitude.
97: How many times do you do it a night?
Luo Yuchen: Right now, I’m still worried about Xiao Heng’s health. However, the number will increase in the future.
Fang Xieyi: Worried about kidney deficiency.
98: During sex, do you remove your clothes yourself or is it removed by the other?
Luo Yuchen: I help Xiao Heng remove his clothes.
Fang Xieyi: My brother’s clothes get removed. Sigh…
99: What is sex to you…?
Luo Yuchen: It’s love.
Fang Xieyi: For your case, I bet it’s just for satisfying your own lust.
100: Lastly, say something to the other~
Fang Xieyi: Treat my brother well.
Luo Yuchen: You can be rest assured. Also, stop coming to my house if you have nothing on. (Pulls Xiao Heng away at rocket speed)
Orange – Part of the author’s name.
White chrysanthemum – An offering at a funeral.
Want to try dying this once – Hell Girl’s catchphrase in the anime.
Kidney deficiency – According to Wikipedia, kidney deficiencies leads to: Sexual dysfunctions; premature ejaculation or impotence