Side Story 6: Luo Yuchen’s Diary (VI)
I didn’t have work in the day, so I came to see Xiao Heng again.
Fang Xieyi has asked me to scram many times.
I say I wished to be by Xiao Heng’s side when he opens his eyes.
Fang Xieyi has misunderstood me. He said, “Don’t think that Xiao Heng will be moved by you and forgive you this way.”
I didn’t think this way.
I finally got to the hospital after working for the whole day, yet Fang Xieyi only allowed me to see Xiao Heng for 15 minutes.
He said, “I’m his brother. Who are you?”
That’s right. Who am I?
Fang Xieyi doesn’t allow me to see Xiao Heng!
He said that Xiao Heng wasn’t willing to wake up because I’m always by his side.
I don’t care about his nonsense, he is clearly being too much.
Afterwards, we went out to have a fight.
Fang Xieyi is born a young master and should have grown up spoiled and weak, who would have expected that he is so strong!
Although I didn’t win the fight, I’ve at least earned back the right to visit Xiao Heng every day.
Last night, Fang Xieyi called and told me that Xiao Heng had woken up.
I didn’t dare to believe it. I was wondering if Fang Xieyi was trying to play a trick on me.
Xiao Heng was really awake.
When I saw him sitting there, my limbs felt so heavy like it was filled with lead. My head was in a mess, I thought I would just faint there and then.
I don’t know how I managed to hug him and why he was willing to forgive me so easily.
I did so many stupid and bad things. Is heaven not going to punish me? This doesn’t make any sense.
It’s okay. I’m willing to take any punishment heaven will give me. Because, my Xiao Heng is back. He is speaking to me and even smiling at me.
I’m trembling from happiness every second, fearful because of all the happiness.
Can I really do this? Can a bad person like me obtain such a good person just like this?
Xiao Heng fainted today.
It happened without any warning. He was still chatting and smiling a moment ago and the next moment, I don’t know what happened.
Naturally, I was beaten up by Fang Xieyi and Lu Weixi. I deserve it.
I deserve it even if I was beaten up ten times.
Xiao Heng woke up.
He still treated me the same and never blamed me for my reckless behaviour. However, that only made me feel more guilty.
He said he will do the operation.
I’m very scared. I’m scared that he will punish me. He has finally woken up and now…
I shouldn’t think this way. Xiao Heng will be fine.
I’ve decided not to write my diary for one week until the day Xiao Heng does his operation.
I don’t have time to write these things. I must cherish every second with him.
If heaven is going to take him away from me this time, I will go along with him without him telling me to.
I will do what I say.
The operation was successful.
I thought it would be ominous because today was Friday the 13th.
Fortunately, it was all just superstitions.
I’ve decided not to write my diary anymore. It was pointless as it only recollects the pain or sweetness that has already passed.
In the future, I believe that I will be very happy with Xiao Heng everyday.
I might get punished if I was too happy, so I will just secretly remember them in my heart.
I will definitely make him happy.
There’s no more? The past which was replayed like a movie showing all the happiness and sadness experience came to a sudden stop. Xiao Heng felt a little melancholic seeing the empty pages at the back.
What are you doing… Why haven’t you recorded anything from my discharge until now? Although we had some small amount of conflicts, our days together were full of happiness.
Just like a story, they suddenly found their happiness after passing many obstacles. Yet, nothing was mentioned about their days of happiness, making people wishing to know more.
Just when he was feeling dispirited, a piece of paper fell out from the interleaf of the book.
Xiao Heng took it up for a look. It was a letter from Luo Yuchen to Xiao Heng.
The envelope looked very elegant. As Xiao Heng was holding on to it, his heart beat faster and he blushed, feeling similar to how he received his first love letter in middle school.
For an old fashioned person like Xiao Heng, receiving a handwritten letter is always more touching than a message, email or even verbal sweet talks.
Because it was like a nicely wrapped present. When you are opening it, there lies many possibilities and an infinite fantasy, making one feel very happy.
You can also continue keeping it no matter how long it is and it wouldn’t disappear just because you press the wrong button.
Luo Yuchen’s handwritting is very pretty. It has been like this ever since middle school, although he doesn’t write often.
Baby Xiao Heng:
This must be the first time I’m writing a letter to you. We have never been separated from each other since we were young, so it’s really the first time I’m writing a letter to you.
Mhm, we have never been separated before. Xiao Heng thought. It’s not worth not being separated before, I ended up never receiving a love letter from Luo Yuchen before. But I guess it isn’t that bad using this apology letter to make up for the loss. Xiao Heng giggled.
I don’t know what I should write for you to understand what I’m trying to express. You know I have always been stupid and can’t write well. I’m worried that I may make you angry with what I write. Baby Xiao Heng, I’m apologising in this letter. If I really wrote something wrong, please do not mind it.
I know, there’s always problems with how you express yourself. Xiao Heng said. It’s okay. If the words you use in this letter are ambiguous in meaning, I will try my best to understand it in the positive direction.
Alright, let’s take a look! Xiao Heng thought.
Xiao Heng still hasn’t thought that this letter wasn’t just purely an apology letter up to this point. He didn’t expect that what he was holding in his hand was probably the best literary work in Luo Yuchen’s life. He didn’t expect that he would start reading with a smile but finish reading with a cry.
There’s something that I want to confess to you. Actually, I have liked you long ago, much earlier than you knew and much earlier than I myself knew.
I’m stupid and never realised. I know that I have always been cruel to you and have no right to say this to you. I’m sorry.
I don’t know when I started liking you. Maybe it’s when we were playing soccer together during highschool, maybe it’s when I kept hindering the girls who like you in middle school or maybe when I saw you for the first time..
I just never admitted. I’m really really sorry.
It was only after I met Xia Mingxiu that I admitted that I am able to like a guy for the first time. Hence, I thought that I would be his forever.
Xia Mingxiu said that it was just infatuation. I don’t know whether he is right or not. I only know that I have accidentally found out that you like me afterwards, then I accidentally realised that I like you too.
However, I was so stupid and wasn’t able to admit that I like you. Instead, I felt betrayed. It was actually just me being unable to accept the fact that I have always liked you. I thought that my feelings for Xia Mingxiu were pure and cannot be tainted. I couldn’t believe that I was thinking of someone else even though I like him.
I’m very selfish. I’ve hurt you because of my dumb ideology.
I was probably too overconfident. I felt that you will always be with me so I could afford not to care. You were indeed always with me and treated me especially well. You treat me so well to the point that I treated it as natural and felt that this person called Xiao Heng will always be with me even when we are old. Hence, I thought that I didn’t need to think too much about it and didn’t have to cherish you.
I purposely ignored your feelings until everything changed.. You suddenly became a rich young master.
Now that I think about it, I was probably afraid. I became an idol singer. You were just an ordinary university student and can only be a normal white collar worker in the future. I was able to make sure that I can still control your heart and make sure that you can only care about, think of and love me. However, I became afraid that you will soon forget about me with outstanding people like Fang Xieyi and Lu Weixi around you.
Sadly, I still wasn’t able to learn what my feelings were despite being submerged in it.
That was also probably why I agreed to your conditions so quickly when I asked you to help Xia Mingxiu.
Because I clearly love you and was willing to be with you.
However, I didn’t understand that I was feeling uneasy then. You wanted ten years with me. I was uneasy and scared that you will break the promise one day. Will you stop wanting me one day? I was also hesitant. I always thought that I like Xia Mingxiu. I didn’t know how I should face him. I was also nervous. You treat me too well. For each passing day when I’m with you, I feel myself indulging further. I tried my best to escape from this but I wasn’t able to.
I didn’t understand then and never did in the ten years. I always thought I hated you because I always feel upset, panicky and helpless when I think of these things.
Many things became easier to resolve after believing that I hate you. As I got colder each passing day, you started not knowing what to do with me. You had to listen to me and see my mood. I also finally felt relief. I have thought that since you were the one who forced this, I’m not sorry to anyone.
Xiao Heng, I feel so scared when I wrote up to this point. Why do you still love me and stay with me when I’m such a person?
I feel that I don’t deserve you. You could have found someone ten or even a hundred times better than me. I know that I don’t deserve you, but I love you very much. I cannot control myself. I’m so scared that I will lose you, I feel so every day.
You might never know how I struggled to live during the days I thought you were dead.
I have experienced enough the horror of losing you. I’m really afraid. Xiao Heng, don’t leave me again.
I will work hard to become a better person to be more gentle and interesting. I will also learn how to cook and do household chores. I will stop casually eating with others outside. I will really change. I won’t take too long. Please give me a little more time.
I will really work hard to not disappoint you. Please believe in me.
I love you. Xiao Heng, I love you.
It’s really easy for Xiao Heng to relent or be touched and Luo Yuchen was also someone who can easily make him relent or feel touched. Xiao Heng placed the letter inside his coat pocket and closed the diary before wiping the tears off his face. Xiao Heng felt that Luo Yuchen sure makes one’s heart ache and he himself was a bad guy.
He had clearly seen Luo Yuchen’s pain. He knew all about it.
Luo Yuchen has suffered not less than me.
Why do I keep worrying about whether our relationship will return back to the old ways ever since I came back but never ever thought of Luo Yuchen’s insecurity?
Luo Yuchen clearly isn’t very smart. He still doesn’t know what I am angry about but is still sincerely apologising and in pain.
I clearly knew that Luo Yuchen treats me very well and spoils me a lot now. I also saw him learning and doing things for me. Yet, I wasn’t grateful nor content and even doubted him.
Xiao Heng, you are too much. He criticized himself.
Didn’t I promise that we will live well together and make Luo Yuchen very happy everyday when I obtained a new life?
What happened in the end? You made him uneasy and live everyday carefully like you did in the past ten years. Was your revenge fun?
Why are you so pretentious? Why are you bullying Luo Yuchen? Did you find the good days too much for your liking and want to toss it upside down?
Our simple happiness only requires simple love, warmth and care.
I was the one who made all these too complicated.
After reflecting, Xiao Heng suddenly realised that Luo Yuchen was still missing.
Idiot, where did you run to? Don’t tell me you don’t dare to return home anymore.
I should quickly call.
I’m not angry anymore. No need for any cold war. It’s unnecessary.
It’s not needed against such a dense and silly fellow.
Xiao Heng dialed Luo Yuchen’s phone and someone picked up soon after. However, it was an unknown female’s voice.
Xiao Heng wasn’t ungentleman to the point of hanging up the phone immediately. Then, the person over the phone said, “This is city S’s central hospital…”
Xiao Heng was horrified and all his hair stood up. He rushed to the hospital immediately.
Luckily, it wasn’t anything serious. Luo Yuchen that idiot spent the whole night in the bar chugging down alcohol and almost got alcohol poisoning.
Xiao Heng felt his heart ache when he saw Luo Yuchen’s languish and pale face.
It feels terrible when you drink too much. Xiao Heng has only done it once in his entire life and he doesn’t dare to try it again.
Luo Yuchen must be feeling very uncomfortable. Or else, why does he look like he is in so much pain even when he’s asleep? In the end, I was the root cause of this.
Xiao Heng felt that he was very hateful to actually test whether he had the ability to make Luo Yuchen unhappy to prove whether Luo Yuchen loved him or not.
Shouldn’t I be testing to prove whether I had the ability to make him no longer unhappy?
“Why did you abuse yourself? Idiot.” Xiao Heng touched Luo Yuchen’s pale face in distress. Unexpectedly, Luo Yuchen opened his eyes.
“Will you not break up with me if I stop abusing myself?” Luo Yuchen clenched his teeth and looked at Xiao Heng fiercely with grievance.
Since when did I wanted to break up with you? Xiao Heng was stunned for a moment before remembering the words he used to scare Luo Yuchen.
No, I didn’t really want to break up. I was just saying.
I was just saying. I didn’t expect you to be so upset.
If that’s the case, I won’t say it anymore. Sorry.
Shaking his head, Xiao Heng played with a strand of hair on Luo Yuchen’s forehead and looked at him gently.
“I will work hard to become better.” Luo Yuchen continued, “I will try not to get into any scandals. I won’t eat with those women. I will do more household chores. So…
Xiao Heng smiled uneasily. Luckily you have so many bad points. That’s why I can keep you by my side. How do I match up with you if you become so wonderful?
“So, don’t say that you want to break up ever again!” Luo Yuchen looked like a stubborn kid as he said this.
“Okay okay okay.” Xiao Heng smiled.
“Don’t comfort me like you’re coaxing a child. I want you to seriously agree!” said Luo Yuchen.
I’m agreeing seriously.
Xiao Heng smiled dotingly and helplessly. He thought of the uneasiness and fragility people in love will share. Those were precious feelings that needed to be carefully protected.
It is mutual. It will no longer be one person having the other totally in his grasp.
Luo Yuchen will also feel weak and afraid and make mistakes. There will also be time he is ignorant to it despite being love and spoilt.
“Idiot. I won’t leave you.”
“Really?” Luo Yuchen still asked.
“Yes. I’m worried that you will starve or poison yourself to death after I leave.”
Luo Yuchen finally laughed because of the teasing. Xiao Heng felt relieved as he looked at him.
“Apologize.” Xiao Heng suddenly said.
Luo Yuchen was obedient this time. Although he was stunned because it was so sudden, he quickly reacted and said, “I’m sorry about the scandal… and staying out all night.”
He still doesn’t know where his mistake lies! Xiao Heng felt helpless.
Forget it. He’s mine anyway. It’s fine if he’s stupid.
“Fine. I will forgive you. You should be as straightforward as now when you admit your mistakes in the future. Do you hear me?” said Xiao Heng condescendingly.
“Yes, your majesty.” Luo Yuchen replied calmly.
“Ah.” Xiao Heng looked outside the window and said, “It’s snowing…”
It has just reached the end of November. The weather isn’t especially cold yet it’s snowing.
Luo Yuchen saw the side view of Xiao Heng’s smiling face and became dazed.
He had liked the snow since long before. Every time he saw the snow, he would show a very innocent smile.
He’s usually so quiet and calm, but he was also like a child sometimes.
“Do you want to go out and take a look?” Luo Yuchen walked behind Xiao Heng and hugged him from the back.
“Are you able to?” Xiao Heng rolled his eyes and asked.
It’s only a hangover and this guy is already doubting my ability. Luo Yuchen was unhappy. Let’s see how I straighten you tonight.
It was still snowing when the two of them went out of the hospital gate. The tiny bunch of white was especially cute. A layer of snow has accumulated on the ground and was very soft when stepped onto.
“It’s really six-sided…” Luo Yuchen caught one with his hand and said in shock, “I always thought we need to use a microscope to see it. I didn’t expect that it would be so large.”
“Is it pretty?” Xiao Heng looked at the complex looking snowflake that was gradually melting on Luo Yuchen’s hand and asked with a smile.
“En. It’s an ingenious piece of work…”
“You just learned it now? Seeing Luo Yuchen getting so excited over such a little, Xiao Heng knocked on his head and said, “You’ve missed many wonderful things in life just like this!”
“I was wrong.” Luo Yuchen smiled and admitted, “You have to teach me about it in the future, since you already knew how wonderful the world is.”
“Do you know what else is wonderful?” asked Xiao Heng.
Luo Yuchen looked at him expectantly.
“Warmth!” After saying so, Xiao Heng removed his long and thick scarf and threw half of it onto Luo Yuchen’s shoulder.
“It’s winter and you’re wearing so little. Do you really not feel any cold or do you just want to be the beautiful cold man?”
I’m really not as afraid of the cold as you! Luo Yuchen thought. However, when he received the scarf, his view no longer stood.
The scarf carried Xiao Heng’s warmth. Luo Yuchen didn’t know that something could be so warm. No wonder Xiao Heng always likes wearing this ugly thing.
After experiencing the warmth, the weather did feel cold. He was previously numb from the cold and didn’t feel much.
Luo Yuchen found it percuilar. It was only after being with Xiao Heng that he kept noticing things that he never seen and thought before and things that he hadn’t looked into seriously before.
It’s so special, novela and warm to be with Xiao Heng.
He felt very lucky.
Luo Yuchen stretched his hand out and held Xiao Heng tight, almost pulling him into his embrace. Then they walk along the street intimately like this.
“Hey hey, let go.” Xiao Heng struggled slightly and said, “Are you not afraid that someone will see?”
Although there weren’t many people on the street due to the snow, Xiao Heng was still worried. The two of them were sharing a scarf and even holding hands intimately. It will be troublesome if Luo Yuchen got caught by someone.
When Luo Yuchen heard this, not only did he not let go, he even held his hand tighter. He whispered into Xiao Heng’s ear, “It’s better if we’re caught.”
“If we are caught, I can let the whole world know that you belong to me. I will see who dares to come and snatch.”
Xiao Heng thought in his heart, “Only you would think of me as precious. Your handsomeness is overwhelming and you’re still worried that I will be stolen.
However, he still showed a bright smile.
“Let’s go home and make some shaved ice.” said Luo Yuchen suddenly.
“Huh?” Xiao Heng felt that Luo Yuchen was gradually being infected by him to have ever changing thoughts. It was getting harder and harder to understand what he was saying.
“Add some fruits or there won’t be any taste.”
Xiao Heng saw Luo Yuchen lick away the snowflake that landed on his lips and thought, “I have indeed made Luo Yuchen too gluttonous, anything can enter his mouth.”
But shaved ice isn’t so bad…
A warm house which has snow falling outside the window and our self-made ice cream…
There’s also the person who I have always loved very much.
“Do you want to try running home?” Xiao Heng suggested.
Luo Yuchen didn’t say anything and immediately started running forward while pulling Xiao Heng home.
“Hey hey, it’s the wrong direction!”
“Just follow me, I won’t sell you.”
Luo Yuchen is so wilful… Xiao Heng was pulled by him but revealed a wide smile.
It’s very warm being held by this hand. No matter where we go, I will never let go again.
There must be an never ending amount of happiness when I’m with him.
The cold wind that is whistling past his ears, the street shining with neon light, the snow white scenery, the warm breath and the smile that comes from the bottom of my heart.
I don’t know where the end is and don’t care where I will end up in the end.
I just wish to continue running on like this until we are old, never reaching an end.
Because we both share the same happiness and we will always protect and cherish it.
Because we both believe in the warmth of holding each other’s hand.
Okay, I will run along with you.