Side Story 5: Luo Yuchen’s Diary (V)
24th December, light snow
It’s Christmas as well as my birthday tomorrow, so I took a day off. It’s great living with Xia Mingxiu. Today, I went to buy his Christmas present.
This year, the two of us can finally celebrate Christmas without anyone intruding. I don’t have to see Xiao Heng’s face.
See. I knew it. After all the reading, Xiao Heng realised that he was somewhat able to predict what Luo Yuchen will write afterwards. Just like he thought, his name “Xiao Heng” will be written down with things that weren’t related to him even if what was written down was just a vicious remark.
He couldn’t forget could he. Xiao Heng came to a realisation. He realised that Luo Yuchen was also quite sad after he read all the entries. Xiao Heng is already extremely terrible relationship wise, who knew that Luo Yuchen was actually worse.
25th December, clear
I slept until noon. Xia Mingxiu had to work. The day time of my birthday sure is boring.
It’s late in the afternoon and I still haven’t received a call from Xiao Heng. I knew he will call for sure as he has been secretly planning for my birthday since November. I even saw the present already. Fine, you can continue playing missing. This lord is going to switch off my phone. This lord doesn’t care if you are going to call or give me a gift.
Xia Mingxiu and I celebrated my birthday together at night. I was very happy.
Xiao Heng remembered how Luo Yuchen had treated his phone so roughly that day and switching it off afterwards as well as removing his landline. So he was actually waiting for my phone call.
Luo Yuchen is so slow and stupid. He is deceiving himself! Xiao Heng was so close to shouting.
Xiao Heng didn’t feel like reading any further as he held the edge of the page in hesitation. He had personally seen Luo Yuchen’s sadness and regret which would be the next part of the content. There was no need for him to revisit it again.
26th December, I don’t know what the weather is like.
Why do I not know that Xiao Heng is ill?
Xia Mingxiu was the one who picked up the phone when the hospital called. I don’t know the details.
It must be fake. He clearly looks very spirited.
But why did he suddenly agree to move away and disappear?
He must be fine. A donor is found anyway, I don’t have to worry about him.
27th December, clear
Take pictures? Pictures my ass. Why do I have to smile just because he asked me to, am I here to sell my smile?
Fang Xieyi is also hateful. What’s the unnecessary suspense for! I must be an idiot to have spoken so lowly. It made it seem like I wished for Xiao Heng to come back.
I did feel a little guilty but it seems like it was unnecessary. It’s not like Xiao Heng will die anyway, why am I being so worried here?
Make up for 28th December and 29th December, clear for both days
Damn it, it hasn’t relapse for a very long time. I didn’t expect that my stomach is still so weak. I was so close to dying from pain.
It was so painful I didn’t have a clear consciousness. However, I was sure of one thing. Xiao Heng had come and he took care of me.
The evidence is his cooking. It has a typical Xiao Heng’s cooking flavour. I haven’t had it for a very long time. I have to admit that his cooking is still the best.
I’m so useless. He had only come to take care of me once and I’m already soft hearted.
I feel that it isn’t that hateful for Xiao Heng to be around now. He cooks well and has a good character. Just what was I dissatisfied about?
On the 28th, I went to the place he moved into. I didn’t want to initially but I felt that I shouldn’t be so heartless, so I went to take a look.
In the end, I couldn’t find anything other than his items. I feel that he wasn’t staying there.
It’s okay. If I really want to find him, I can always ask Fang Xieyi. He can’t hide forever.
I took the ring. Wouldn’t a thief steal it if he just threw it there? I will help take care of it first.
I thought of the words Xia Mingxiu had said before. I’m still sure that I definitely don’t like Xiao Heng. However, if he decides to cling to me just like before after this is over, I may consider treating him a little better.
At least he knows how to cook.
30th December, clear
Today, the streets are very pretty and my mood was also great.
It seems like Xiao Heng has made up his mind to avoid me for a period of time. He didn’t even appear for Christmas and New Year, I don’t think I will be able to see him this year.
It’s not my loss anyway. You can appear if you want to.
You can act stubborn all you want. Didn’t you secretly visit me the day before yesterday? Why don’t you stop hiding already?
31st December, light snow
Tonight is another once in a year music party. How boring.
I feel a little restless. I chatted with Xia Mingxiu behind the stage. As we chatted, I felt that my attitude towards Xiao Heng seemed to have become… very different from before.
When I thought of him before, it felt like something was pressing down my chest and suffocating me. However, when I think of him now, I don’t feel that suffocation anymore. Instead, I feel a little bit of sweetness.
I’m so strange. Why am I starting to have feelings for Xiao Heng?
1st January, clear
I had a lot of inspiration when I composed today. I also felt a strong sense of accomplishment with the end result.
While I was composing, I often thought about the things that happened during our middle school days. There were so many things that I’ve almost forgotten.
It was only now that I realised that Xiao Heng was basically the main focus of my everyday life.
2nd January, clear
Xiao Heng can take it so well. He hasn’t appeared. However, I won’t lower my head just because of this. I’m going to see who can last until the end.
However, I do miss him a little. Although I have said that he looked average everyday, he’s actually good looking. Sometimes, I feel that he’s getting more and more handsome.
I remembered that I burned the photos only when I was searching for it now. Sigh, I was too impulsive.
Luckily, there was one photo with him on one corner that I was barely able to see.
Indeed, he looks pretty good.
4th January, clear
Xia Mingxiu came back from Milan today.
Xiao Heng still hasn’t appeared. To be honest, I miss him now.
I’ve gotten tired of eating at that restaurant already. What Xiao Heng cooks is still the best.
He’s so extreme this time. Does he want me to take the initiative to find him if he doesn’t come back?
10th January, snow
It was truly the first actual round of snowing if we didn’t count the earlier days of light snow that disappeared the moment they touched the ground.
Xiao Heng usually gets very excited when he sees the snow. I wonder where he is being excited at currently.
The operation should be fine right?
Quickly appear after your operation. If you come back by yourself obediently, it’s possible for me to treat you gentler for now on.
11th January, snow
It was still snowing. I don’t feel like going out.
Xia Mingxiu went back to B city. It sucks watching the snow alone.
Hey Xiao Heng, you have missed your chance. If you call me today I might kindly agree to any of your requests.
31st January, snow
It’s the last day of the month and the third round of heavy snow. I drove to that river side to take a look.
So cold. It’s just all white, why does Xiao Heng like it so much?
8th February, Chinese New Year
What is Xiao Heng doing? Does he have to take it so far? He’s not even calling back for New Year’s Eve.
Forget it. For once, I had conscience. Let’s call Fang Xieyi.
I couldn’t really hear what Fang Xieyi was saying as the sound of firecrackers was so loud. But no matter what he said, I just have to tell him what I want to say to Xiao Heng.
I can only do so much. He will be too pretentious if he wants more. He should quickly appear.
9th February, first day of the lunar calendar
Burn some joss sticks!
I wonder if Xiao Heng has done his operation yet. There shouldn’t be any problem, but it’s still better to go and pray.
There would definitely not be any problem. If not, how can Fang Xieyi stay so calm?
I prayed very piously today.
When I came home at night, Xia Mingxiu asked me that question again.
I only realised after he asked.
Yes, I like Xiao Heng.
Why is it like this? The moment I admitted that I like him, I can no longer deny it in my heart. It’s useless to even hypnotize myself.
So I really did like him since before?
10th February, clear
It could be considered that I have directly confessed to Xiao Heng through the radio broadcast today.
Ugh, only if he listened to the broadcast though…
At least come out on Valentine’s day?
12th February, clear
I’m now depressed because of Xia Mingxiu. Other holidays don’t matter. Don’t tell me that Xiao Heng is also going to ditch me on Valentine’s day?
Don’t tell me I won’t get to eat the dark chocolate I receive every Valentine’s day…
Ugh, why do I feel like I’ve made a heavy loss after dumping Xiao Heng.
He must be very angry. What should I do? I have to work harder if I want to win his heart back.
I reap what I sow…
Then, there was a long period when Luo Yuchen didn’t write anything. Xiao Heng looked at the jump in date and felt his heart ache.
It stopped at 13, one day before Valentine’s day. It was the day Xiao Lu told Luo Yuchen and Xia Mingxiu that Xiao Heng was dead.
Xiao Heng still remembered Luo Yuchen’s craziness and anger that day.
Why did he realise so late when he clearly cared? Why did he have to receive such a blow when he finally realised?
Xiao Heng felt that he was useless. He fell for it as expected. Luo Yuchen must have known that his heart would ache for him after reading the entries at the back. There was no way Xiao Heng couldn’t forgive Luo Yuchen with all this heartache.
Damn it. I hate the hospital.
I don’t believe it. That Lu Weixi is a foreigner with a mouth full of bullshit. He said that Xiao Heng is that. It’s his whole family that is dead.
There’s no way Xiao Heng is dead.
I can’t think. I can’t write anymore.
Xiao Heng is not dead. Everyone is lying to me.
I dreamt of him last night. He was wearing a strange looking cloth and dressed similar to ancient times. However, he was smiling very happily. He pulled me by my hand up the mountain to enjoy the breeze. Below the mountain was a spring scenery of green luster.
Yes. It was brilliant yet cold, just like the sun and wind today.
I wouldn’t be having such a wonderful dream if Xiao Heng was dead. He must be fine.
I wished I was able to have that dream again. Unfortunately, I didn’t.
I miss Xiao Heng so much.
I’m so stupid. All my happiness has been in my grasp for ten years yet I never noticed it and let it slipped away through the gaps of my fingers.
Xiao Heng must be angry with me since he is purposely hiding from me.
今天路过LU DE VICI，看到一块白金钻表非常适合肖恒。
I passed by Lu De Vici today and saw a diamond watch that suits Xiao Heng very much.
The shop assistant said that it was limited to Asia only so I bought it.
That self-righteous Lu Weixi is able to design some decent looking things sometimes. I feel that the watch matches Xiao Heng temperament as they were both the type to quietly emit a gentle light. They look plain and simple at the first glance but looks better the more you look.
I will buy this for Xiao Heng as his birthday present. I think he will probably like it.
Hehe. I was right. Xiao Heng wasn’t dead.
I don’t know why Lu Weixi was lying. However, he has chosen a wrong date unfortunately and was exposed by me.
That’s great. Xiao Heng is fine. I know that he is definitely angry with me now. It’s okay, I’m willing to wait.
As long as he is fine.
I have practically told the whole world that I like Xiao Heng during the entertainment show today. I think he would be able to understand if he watched the TV. I’m already begging him, he should be giving me a call already.
In today’s concert, I sang a song dedicated to Xiao Heng
Why hasn’t Xiao Heng called me after my confession? Did he not see it or is he still angry?
I must have not done enough.
I went to check my website at night. I couldn’t find his shadow at all. How discouraging.
Who would have expected that I would fall to such a point.
Alright. I will find the earring back tomorrow. From today onwards, I will always wear that cross to show my determination. He will probably be moved right…
Is it April Fool’s Day? Yes. It is April Fool’s Day.
God played a huge joke on me.
It was so funny. I saw Xiao Heng slowly turning transparent and disappeared before me.
I still don’t believe that it was real. It must have been a very realistic nightmare. It was too scary.
But I wasn’t asleep at all! How could I sleep? How could I dare to close my eyes with him suddenly disappearing before me?
The car door wasn’t even open. The towel he took out was still on me. Where could he have gone? How was it possible for me to hallucinate?
I can’t think. I must find Fang Xieyi. I will go now.
This was the day I left. Xiao Heng suddenly lost the courage to continue reading.
The contents before were things I have personally experienced. Even if I read it again, it will just be reenacting the memories although it was still painful.
But afterwards… I wasn’t with Luo Yuchen during his most tragic days, so I know nothing about it.
Xiao Heng’s hand was trembling as he flipped to the next page.
He’s dead. He’s dead. My Xiao Heng is dead.
I want to cry. I really want to cry, but my tears just won’t come out.
How do I apologize? How do I tell him that I’m sorry?
How do I tell him that I love him, that I have loved him since a long time ago?
He suicided. I drove it. I’ve drove him to suicide.
How do I apologize to him? How do I let him know that I have regretted and want to love him now?
He died without knowing anything.
I haven’t got the chance to say anything yet.
Why can’t I cry? My chest feels so suffocated. Why is it that I can’t cry?
What should I do from now on?
What do I do without Xiao Heng?
Indeed… Even though I’ve already prepared myself mentally, I can still feel a sharp pain spreading out from my chest to my whole body. It was just a day’s entry and a few line of words and Xiao Heng couldn’t take it anymore.
He automatically wanted to flip back but his head was blank white.
I couldn’t sleep, eat nor cry.
I kept calling Xiao Heng and even went to find a master so that I could see him again.
But he no longer came out to see me.
Xiao Heng, can you no longer forgive me?
You’re not willing to spare me a glance even when I’m so miserable.
You hate me don’t you…
Why would you have died if you didn’t hate me?
Why did you save me? Wouldn’t it be great to let me die and accompany you?
I had a dream and saw Xiao Heng.
He actually told me, “I won’t pester you anymore. I only hope that we will never meet in our next and next next life.”
I was frightened awake with my whole body in cold sweat.
I don’t want to live anymore.
I’m scared that I will not be able to see him again in my next and next next life if I live on.
Even if he hates me, I should still be able to catch up to him if I chase after him now.
I can’t apologize to him if I live on. Will I be able to compensate him just a little if I died?
My entry today should my suicide note.
I’m sorry to my parents, Xia Mingxiu and everyone who cared for me.
However, the person I’m most sorry to was Xiao Heng. I owed him too much. Therefore, I have to pay him back.
If we have a chance to restart in our next life, you must remember to fall in love with Xiao Heng first Luo Yuchen.
You must fall in love with him first. You must cherish and protect him so that he is never hurt again.
Xiao Heng looked at this page for a long while before his tears started falling like rain.
I’m so useless. I chose to die the same way as Xiao Heng but I wasn’t able to die.
The doctor said that it wasn’t that easy to die by cutting one’s wrist.
Is that so? Then can you tell me why Xiao Heng died?
There is no need to save me. It’s useless.
The hospital’s kindness is unnecessary. It has been two days but I still wasn’t able to get a hold of any sharp object.
The fork I used to eat with today is very sharp. I stared at it for a long while but it was still taken back by the nurse afterwards.
It’s okay. I still have my teeth if there are no other choices.
I’m actually still alive.
I’ve clearly bitten myself so deeply and bleeded so much. Why is it that I alway can’t die?
Xia Mingxiu cried extremely sadly. I’m very sorry to him.
However, I keep feeling that Xiao Heng is waiting for me. I want to go to a place that has him.
I tried to secretly die but was unsuccessful.
Xia Mingxiu has dragged Lu Weixi as well as a bunch of doctors and nurses along to watch me 24/7. I had no way to die.
I got to learn how powerless people can be. I can’t even die when I want to.
He’s not dead. He’s not dead. He’s not dead. He’s not dead!
He’s sleeping over there, still breathing and his heart still beating.
I rushed over wanting to hug him, but Fang Xieyi was so heartless and didn’t allow me to touch him.
Anyway, it’s great that Xiao Heng is still alive.
I don’t need anything else.
Fang Xieyi! Xiao Heng wiped away his tears and clenched his teeth. You took so long to tell Luo Yuchen the truth. You’re being too much!
You could have told him earlier and he wouldn’t have to suffer so much!
Xiao Heng’s hand was trembling so much but he told himself that he had to read on.
Keep on reading and understand that you’re not the only one who suffered, that you’re not the only one who felt grievance, that you’re not the only one who can be overbearing and take the other’s kindness for granted.
There’s clearly someone who’s not hurting or loving less than you, yet he cannot complain. He’s also treated by the others, including himself, as the bad guy
I went to see Xiao Heng secretly last night.
Today is his birthday. I wished happy birthday before dawn.
I went to see Xiao Heng again today.
He looks so quiet when he sleeps. He has always been quiet.
He’s so handsome. The more I look, the better he looks. I’ve always known that he looked good. It was me who didn’t know how to appreciate it in the past.
Unfortunately, I was chased out by Fang Xieyi when I was looking halfway.
When will my Xiao Heng wake up?
I wished that he would wake up earlier but I was also afraid at the same time.
What if he doesn’t want me anymore when he wakes up?
I’ve almost caused him to die, he might hate me a lot.
I have seen Xiao Heng continuously for a week.
I suddenly feel that one week is very slow.
The ten years didn’t feel long when I could talk to him and see him smile.
I’m a little scared. Xiao Heng has already slept for half a year. Don’t tell me he is going to sleep forever.
I feel so miserable.
Fang Xieyi has actually settled my discharging procedures.
It was only now that I knew that my suicide matters was kept a secret to the outside world.
I obviously wasn’t going to leave. I want to stay here and watch Xiao Heng.
Then, Fang Xieyi actually said that no one knew how long Xiao Heng will sleep, will I be able to watch him all day long?
I think it’s possible.
Then, Fang Xieyi took out our contract and asked me to go to work.. Or else, he wouldn’t let me see Xiao Heng again.
I’m threatened by him!