Side Story 4: Luo Yuchen’s Diary (IV)
Xiao Heng started regretting more and more along with the passing time, mainly because he was hungry.
Should I go out to eat? However, if I don’t make a strong stand, would I end up being the one granted amnesty by Luo Yuchen instead?
Forget it! I shouldn’t be abusing my own body. I will go out!
Xiao Heng stepped out of his room righteously only to realise that the house was surprisingly quiet.
He didn’t want to embarrass himself, so he tiptoed around and checked every room and realised that Luo Yuchen really wasn’t around.
How detestable! Now you’re putting on airs! You dare to leave without a trace.
Then he noticed Luo Yuchen’s three diaries on the coffee table in the living room with a piece of paper pressed underneath the diaries.
Xiao Heng walked over casually and took a look.
There were only a few words written, saying that he could take a look at those diaries if he wished.
Do you think you can make me relent this way? Xiao Heng thought in disdain, What can the random things you write in the past represent now?
And why should I read it just because you let me to?
I won’t read it.
Hence, Xiao Heng walked about in the house.
What show I do now? I don’t feel like doing anything. I can’t do anything when I’m thinking about something.
In the end, Xiao Heng still returned back to the living room.
I should take a look since you let me to then. It’s a rare chance.
Xiao Heng wanted to know how Luo Yuchen thought of some of the things that happened in highschool, especially when Luo Yuchen quitted soccer from him and when Luo Yuchen met Xia Mingxiu.
I will only look at the one from high school. I will not read the most current one. I definitely won’t relent through this method of yours.
He casually opened to a page and as expected, he saw Xia Mingxiu’s name. He humphed lightly.
30th July, clear
Xia Mingxiu is finally discharged today. That’s great.
We called for two hours. Xiao Heng and I will be visiting him in city B tomorrow.
I haven’t seen him in two months ever since we returned in June. I hope everything is okay.
Xiao Heng felt unhappy reading it. He still remembered their trip to city B. Luo Yuchen didn’t hesitate to use his entire month of salary to travel over half of China to see Xia Mingxiu. Xiao Heng also tagged along as he was worried about Luo Yuchen.
If there were any secret matters to me mentioned, it would be when he and Luo Yuchen had to stay in a hotel that night because Xia Mingxiu’s family had many people but not enough rooms to spare.
It wasn’t the first time in Xiao Heng’s life when he could secretly look at Luo Yuchen’s face after he slept. He had many opportunities to look at Luo Yuchen sleep when they had soccer team training in the past. However, he could no longer play soccer with Luo Yuchen. Xiao Heng had thought that it may be his last time to see Luo Yuchen’s sleeping face, so he took the chance to take a small advantage of Luo Yuchen. When Luo Yuchen was sleeping, Xiao Heng secretly kissed him.
That was Luo Yuchen and his real first kiss and a secret he will never tell Luo Yuchen for his entire life.
Xiao Heng laughed and flipped to the next page. Then, he was stunned.
31st July, clear
Xiao Heng secretly kissed me last night.
He knows? Xiao Heng stared at that sentence in the daze. So many years have passed and so many things have happened. Xiao Heng had always thought that it was only after he and Luo Yuchen got together when Luo Yuchen knew that his feelings from him weren’t purely friendship. Unexpectedly, Luo Yuchen already knew about his feelings since year one of highschool.
He knew it yet he could act like nothing had happened. Looks like I was exposed earlier than I thought. Xiao Heng took a deep breath.
He continued reading.
1st August, clear
Today, Xiao Heng and I took the train back.
I acted like I didn’t know anything, but I could no longer look at Xiao Heng the same way. Now, every bit of his diligence makes me uncomfortable.
No wonder he always treats me especially well. No wonder he never ever had a girlfriend.
He’s too much. I always treated him as my best friend, how could he think of me this way?
Even if the Xia Mingxiu I like is a man doesn’t mean Xiao Heng can like me.
What is this? Only the official can send you some sparks but a peasant can’t? Xiao Heng pouted when he saw Luo Yuchen’s “I can like Xia Mingxiu but Xiao Heng can’t like me” logic.
I don’t want to read any further. It must be full of complaints. I will definitely be unhappy if I read it and anger myself. Xiao Heng decided to read the pages in front.
Coincidentally, his flipping led him to that day.
1st May, clear
Today is the day worth commemorating for my entire life as I have met Xia Mingxiu.
I thought I had seen an angel when I first saw him sitting on the chair at the hospital lawn.
He’s so pretty, my heart started beating very fast. I’ve never felt this way before.
He’s so beautiful despite clearly being a man. The girls I have dated before were nothing compared to him.
For the first time, I knew that I can actually like a man.
I asked for his name, address and number. Sadly, he had to go back soon and I couldn’t abandon Xiao Heng, so I could only bid him goodbye.
Xia Mingxiu. What a nice name, so bright and brilliant.
I can’t fall asleep. I must go find him tomorrow.
What? Is Xia Mingxiu’s name nice? Why do I not feel so? Xiao Heng felt depressed. So boring. I’m not interested in the two of your sweet days.
And what did you mean by “couldn’t abandon Xiao Heng”? You sounded as if I was a burden!
Hence, Xiao Heng continued flipping towards the earlier pages, and loud flipping sound can be heard from the book. Finally, he flipped to the days when he played soccer with Luo Yuchen.
Xiao Heng felt that Luo Yuchen had placed these diaries here with the intention to move his heart as well as to reconcile. Therefore, he would be going against Luo Yuchen’s intention if he continued reading about Luo Yuchen and Xia Mingxiu’s days.
Happy, happy. I should think about the happy days. Xiao Heng told himself.
Hence, he wished to see more about their soccer days. That period was very happy and wonderful and he can forget about Luo Yuchen’s hatefulness faster this way.
16th February, clear
We won the preliminary match for the youth cup today. I’m so happy, it was a great victory with the score of 3-0!
Xiao Heng is so fierce, he blocked ten of the fourteen shots the opponent managed to hit towards the goal post. It was so exciting when I watched him block those shots out and I wanted to give him many bear hugs so much.
I was pretty decent too. I landed two of those three shots.
Anyway, as long as Xiao Heng and I are around, our team will be a golden team that is invincible.
I’m overjoyed. At night, all of us went to eat hotpot and it was Xiao Heng who carried me back.
Actually, I was only acting drunk. I’m so tired after running so much today. Xiao Heng also contributed to our victory, but at least he only needed to stand there while I was running most of the time. It shouldn’t be too much to make him carry me home right? Hehe.
It seems like Xiao Heng has grown taller again. His shoulders are so broad, I feel eased leaning onto it. However, he’s too thin. It feels a little painful leaning onto him.
As expected, this period of time was the best. Xiao Heng smiled unconsciously as he read about Luo Yuchen’s cute thoughts.
Carried him back… What a failure I am, I don’t remember these details anymore. Xiao Heng felt regretful. I should have written a diary too to remember these happy days.
17th February, overcast
How depressing. My leg aches so much but I still have to attend class.
When lessons were over, there were a few suspicious looking girls standing outside the door looking inside. Then, they passed some items over.
Hot milk and sandwich for Xiao Heng.
What? Trying to use food to tempt Xiao Heng?
I told Xiao Heng that he was not allowed to eat it.
Xiao Heng asked me why.
Why? Humph. We are in the midst of our soccer competition. How can we lose focus because of women? All main players are not allowed to date during this period.
Then, I saw Xiao Heng smiled. He smiled very happily and agreed. I don’t know what was he so happy about?
Don’t tell me he is secretly dating someone behind my back? I won’t forgive him if I find out.
Luo Yuchen, you clearly already liked me then! Reading up to this point, Xiao Heng was much more certain of his own conjecture.
Luo Yuchen started feeling possessive ever since middle school and how he is always saying things different from what he truly felt is just the same as how he is now. If Xia Mingxiu never entered the pictures, this state of his wouldn’t have ended. If this wasn’t love, what is? Luo Yuchen is so dense.
This shouldn’t be just an imagination of mine right?
According to Luo Yuchen’s diary, his possessiveness towards his friends was only directed to me.
Until he met Xia Mingxiu…
If Luo Yuchen had realised his feelings before he met Xia Mingxiu, I might have won.
Xiao Heng felt a little regretful. I should have confessed to Luo Yuchen early and take the place in Luo Yuchen’s heart before Xia Mngxiu. Perhaps, I shouldn’t have even let them meet. It might have been easier for me as Luo Yuchen would have been mine since the start.
Of course, this was just a part of Xiao Heng’s dark imaginations.
We won our second youth cup match remarkably and successfully entered the top 16.
Afterwards would be the tough battles. There’s no way we will win so easily again. I asked Xiao Heng to practice with me after lessons.
Xiao Heng is so good, he wouldn’t reject due to laziness.
It would be great if we can win the championship. I want to see Xiao Heng’s smiling face then.
Of course, this is something that will only happen a long time later. Hehe.
This year is leap year and today is the once every four years 29th February.
We successfully entered the top 8 today. The opponent was surprisingly weak. Is this the standard of other areas or is Xiao Heng and I just too strong? Hahahahaha.
Xiao Heng smiled gently as he read it.
The team is truly strong when Xiao Heng and I are in the same team. I always feel that we have power to understand each other tacitly. One is at the front most while the other is at the very end, it was difficult to even use our eyes or body to communicate. However, we were still strangely able to feel each other’s existence and encourage each other.
Xiao Heng still doesn’t understand what kind of power it was, but that bond made Xiao Heng feel that he was also special to Luo Yuchen.
Today’s match was the toughest in my life so far.
The opponent is so crafty. When they were tackling, they tried to injure us even if it meant breaking the rules. In the end, all the substitute players came out to compete. The referee also had to use the black card. How infuriating!
But in the end, we still won. Humph. We are strong means we are strong. Even if you cheat, you can’t win.
We are now in the top 4~
As expected, things aren’t easy now that we are in the top 4. My Xiao Heng was hurt today. Wuwuwuwuwuwu…
He’s so fierce, running out to steal the ball against four people’s crazy offensive. I was so worried and I felt my blood rushing as I watched from the front court. In the end, he actually managed to steal the ball. Our Xiao Heng has the talent to both attack and defend.
Fortunately, his wounds weren’t serious. There was a large scrape on his lips.
I will say this secretly as Xiao Heng may kill me if he sees this. Xiao Heng looks so alluring when he is injured, I feel that many girls will be smitten by him.
Anyway, the next match would be held at city B for the championship. Yay!
Speaking of which, the day of the final match is on 16th April which is Xiao Heng’s birthday. If we win, I’m going to spend all my savings to celebrate it!
Looking at this, Xiao Heng’s smile slowly turned into sadness.
If I could compete that day, if we won the match that day…
I wonder how happy Luo Yuchen would be…
We arrived at city B today. Why do I find it spectacular even though it wasn’t especially greater than city S?
Maybe because it was the ancient capital after all. The land that the emperor resided in is just different.
I have agreed with Xiao Heng to stroll around the whole city after our match.
We shouldn’t have gone out. As the captain, I shouldn’t have let them out last night to eat.
What should I do? We cannot compete now that Xiao Heng is injured. We can no longer compete in the future.
I was so terrified when he stood in front of me last night. I’m so scared that he would be…
Fortunately. Should I be saying fortunately? However, it was indeed fortunate that Xiao Heng was strong enough to rob the knife away from the opponent. Fortunately, it was only his leg that was hurt.
I’m so useless. I was protected by Xiao Heng and even let those bastards escape!
Xiao Heng is so talented. I’ve caused him to not be able to play soccer anymore. How should I compensate him? What do I use to compensate?
I can only compensate by telling him that I will not play soccer anymore. I told him that I will quit soccer too.
There’s no point in me staying if he isn’t around. I truly think so.
I fought with all I’ve got but it was still impossible. Without Xiao Heng on the court, I cannot concentrate, I cannot be rest assured and I cannot feel any joy.
I went back and bought Xiao Heng a birthday cake and the two of us celebrated.
I told him that I will quit soccer.
There’s no meaning in soccer if Xiao Heng is not around.
It’s so sad reading this…
Xiao Heng threw the book aside and looked outside the window and saw that the sun had already set. No wonder my eyes feel tired.
Why isn’t that jerk Luo Yuchen back yet?
Xiao Heng said quietly in his heart, “I will count to three. If you come in the door, then it is heaven’s will and I will forgive you.”
However, heaven’s will was for Xiao Heng to not forgive Luo Yuchen so easily.
I’m so hungry, my stomach is calling.
Hence, Xiao Heng went to cook dinner. There’s no way I will be so eager to cook for Luo Yuchen when he doesn’t even appear during dinner time.
Therefore, Xiao Heng only cooked for himself. After he finished eating, he sat in the living room and waited.
He eventually fell asleep from the waiting. When he woke up, he was shocked to realise that it was already the next morning.
Luo Yuchen actually dared to stay out all night!
He has no control. It’s so frustrating.
He had thought that the both of them would cherish and love each other and will be very happy after he had died once. However, he now finds it unusually difficult to go on with Luo Yuchen.
Is it difficult? It’s actually okay I guess. It’s still the days in the past that are more difficult.
That long ten years.
I still can’t fathom how I managed to bear with it those days.
I always felt that I’m more broad-minded after my soul returned to my body. I wonder if I can ever find back the silly me from the ten years.
The ten years… Xiao Heng stretched his hand over to the thinnest book and opened it.
Will I still feel angry and wronged recalling the days I purposely tried to forget now?
Just how did Luo Yuchen look at those ten years?
Xiao Heng felt that it was the time to face them once again.
I can’t always avoid those memories and bury them in the depths of my memory to form a shadow can I?
If I want to be with Luo Yuchen forever, then I should cherish and remember the days we have spent together no matter happy or painful.
Then, let’s dig out the things I have hidden.
I think I can face them.
After opening the diary, Xiao Heng finally understood why it was so thin. Every entry was very short.
Of course, the things recorded weren’t anything nice. The first entry Xiao Heng saw already made him depressed.
14th September, clear
Why did Xiao Heng suddenly become the president of the company? What’s wrong with this world?
He suddenly became my boss. Such irony.
If I knew this, I definitely wouldn’t go and sing.
I can never be friends with Xiao Heng again this lifetime.
I knew I wouldn’t be seeing good memories when I opened it. Xiao Heng sighed. After seeing the contents from before, he also understood why Luo Yuchen started growing apart from him after becoming a singer. It was because Luo Yuchen has noticed his feelings.
After Xiao Heng became the president, Luo Yuchen had never come to find him. One could see how unhappy Luo Yuchen was.
Forget it. Let’s continue reading. Let’s abuse myself for today and see how worthless I was in Luo Yuchen’s eyes.
2nd October, clear
Xia Mingxiu asked me not to go, but I still went and talked to Xiao Heng.
Never have I expected that I would be selling myself one day, and I was even selling myself to Xiao Heng.
Forget it. I guess Xia Mingxiu and I are just not fated to be together.
Xiao Heng asked me to be with him for ten years.
Ten years is so long.
5th October, clear
Today, I saw the new house Xiao Heng bought. It was very large and beautiful, but what is this? Taking in a wife?
He even wrote my name in. Did he think that I needed it?
I can’t stay calm thinking about the fact that I will have to do it with Xiao Heng once I live with him.
Xiao Heng put up a wry smile after reading up to this point and pondered about Luo Yuchen’s intention for making him read this. Was the diary not meant to help us reconcile but instead to make me upset?
These memories are so painful even if he’s thinking back now.
Forget it. Let’s face reality. Xiao Heng said to himself.
14th October, clear
We really did it last night. Xiao Heng and I.
He looked like he could take those matters very well, but he still fainted.
I don’t know why I feel so irritated seeing his pleasing appearance. I don’t want to see him. It’s so hateful.
Ten years. I can only be depressed but not die.
25th December, snow
Today, I’m 18.
I was actually dragged by Xiao Heng to pierce an ear hole to wear the cross earring.
The earring does look pretty. However, it still annoys me when I remember that it was Xiao Heng who gave it to me.
What is this supposed to be, a dog chain?
The more Xiao Heng read, the sadder he felt and the more he didn’t want to read on further.
The insecurities, grievance, anger and resentment that was close to being completely obliterated by Luo Yuchen tenderness and love for the past half a year has once again appeared before Xiao Heng.
Xiao Heng felt that those negative emotions could slowly fade away with time if he doesn’t try to think of those bad memories. However, he realised that it is still painful when he thinks back about the past today.
It’s okay. Xiao Heng comforted himself. I’ve already died and come back to life once. My shell has become harder. I’m not afraid.
He continued reading and the entries became shorter and shorter. The entries at the back were all summed up using one sentence.
Based on how Luo Yuchen recorded the days, Xiao Heng realised that the ten year became very fast.
Every day, there was only “annoyed”, “happy” or “I ate xx today” kind of words. Even Xiao Heng couldn’t remember what happened in the ten years anymore.
Right. Everyday is just a routined boring day to Luo Yuchen anyway while everyday is a routined painful day to Xiao Heng.
Our ten years was actually so uninteresting.
Xiao Heng quickly flipped through until he finally reached a page that had actual content.
2nd December, clear
Xiao Heng finally moved away. He had already left when I came back.
“How heartless…” Xiao Heng mumbled when he read it.
My memories are so dark I almost can’t remember how much despair I was facing that day. It sure is great on Luo Yuchen’s side. What a refreshing sentence he wrote.
I’m not resigned to this.
3rd December, clear
I forgot to set the alarm and was almost late for the photoshoot. I will remember to set it today.
It’s great that I don’t have to see him when I come home.
4th December, overcast
I’m very tired today.
The second advantage of not having him around: Without him being noisy, the house is very quiet.
That’s too much. I’m usually very quiet. Xiao Heng was not convinced.
Thinking back again, 4th December seems to be the day I started following Luo Yuchen around as a spirit. Now that I think about it, I quite miss that strange experience.
Xiao Heng knew about the things that had happened afterwards without having to read it again.
5th December, clear
I’ve finally gotten rid of that annoying earring. This is the third advantage of not having Xiao Heng around.
I’m preparing for Xia Mingxiu to move in. I should have done this long ago.
Xia Mingxiu is better than Xiao Heng. This is the fourth advantage.
Xiao Heng wasn’t angry when he saw Luo Yuchen listing the advantage of him leaving. He understands Luo Yuchen’s habit of saying things different from what he truly felt very well. Luo Yuchen continuously finding reasons for himself shows that he wasn’t actually happy when he left.
What’s written afterwards also proves that Luo Yuchen wasn’t happy at all.
6th December, clear
The Eight Treasure Rice was really terrible.
I kind of miss Xiao Heng’s cooking. Although he is annoying, the food he makes is delicious.
The first disadvantage of Xiao Heng leaving has finally appeared. Forget it, there are still four advantages.
7th December, clear
Damn that Fang Xieyi, why is he putting on airs for.
I burned all those pictures. Why should I keep them? I feel annoyed when I see them.
Xiao Heng, don’t think that I will relent just because you play missing for a few days. I look forward to not seeing you anymore!
So stubborn… Xiao Heng’s mind was brought back to that day after seeing these words. Now that he thinks back, Luo Yuchen’s restlessness and exasperation then seemed more like helplessness now.
The following few entries further proved Xiao Heng’s conjecture.
15th December, rain
Damn it. I went to all the neighbouring restaurants but why can’t I find one that is palatable? I specially ordered hotplate tofu as well. Do these restaurants want to continue doing their business? These restaurants can’t even achieve half of what Xiao Heng did when he casually cooks it.
How am I going to live on with nothing to eat?
16th December, clear
Today, Xia Mingxiu said that he hasn’t seen Xiao Heng for a very long time. Really, why do you care so much about other people’s matters?
Damn it, what do I eat today?
19th December, clear
Fang Xieyi was actually promoted to be the president. I couldn’t get through Xiao Heng’s phone.
What are you doing, putting on airs? Do you think that I miss you?
Did you think that I would worry about you if you hide yourself? In your dreams.
Also, I found a restaurant that has delicious food. I don’t even need Xiao Heng for this anymore.
Eating… Luo Yuchen has never complimented Xiao Heng that his cooking was good before for the past ten years. Everytime Luo Yuchen ate, he didn’t look like he was enjoying it. Xiao Heng never knew that Luo Yuchen actually liked his cooking very much.
Why do you not express it out when you like it?
But when had that Luo Yuchen expressed himself anyway? He never did. Xiao Heng smiled unconsciously when he thought about this.
I should be angry right? Xiao Heng realised that he was turning angry only after feeling himself smile. Shouldn’t I be thinking “How despicable, you don’t even know how to express your own feelings”? Why am I feeling happy?
Because that’s the Luo Yuchen who likes me isn’t it? Xiao Heng thought calmly. He is always stubborn with his words but he is actually soft hearted. He is cold on the surface and you can’t guess what he is thinking in his heart, but his actions are surprisingly easy to predict.
I don’t even know if I truly understand Luo Yuchen.
 Wuwuwuwuwuwu – Crying noises