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Side Story 5: Luo Yuchen’s Diary (V)

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TL: Resonance

　　十二月二十四日 小雪

24th December, light snow

　　明天圣诞节还有我生日，给自己放假。和夏明修一起生活很好，今天去帮他买圣诞礼物了。

It’s Christmas as well as my birthday tomorrow, so I took a day off. It’s great living with Xia Mingxiu. Today, I went to buy his Christmas present.

　　今年总算可以两个人一起过一个没人打扰的圣诞节，不用看肖恒那张脸。

This year, the two of us can finally celebrate Christmas without anyone intruding. I don’t have to see Xiao Heng’s face.

　　看吧，果然。肖恒看着看着发现自己开始能够预测到洛予辰后面会写些什么了，果然是明明沾不上“肖恒”的事情，他也要捎上自己的名字，哪怕是说一句坏话。

See. I knew it. After all the reading, Xiao Heng realised that he was somewhat able to predict what Luo Yuchen will write afterwards. Just like he thought, his name “Xiao Heng” will be written down with things that weren’t related to him even if what was written down was just a vicious remark. 

　　是忘不了吧，肖恒突然相通了，看日记看到现在，发现洛予辰也很可悲，在对待感情方面肖恒自己已经很凄惨了，没想到洛予辰同样也是全盘皆输。

He couldn’t forget could he. Xiao Heng came to a realisation. He realised that Luo Yuchen was also quite sad after he read all the entries. Xiao Heng is already extremely terrible relationship wise, who knew that Luo Yuchen was actually worse.

　　十二月二十五日 晴

25th December, clear

　　睡到中午，夏明修要工作，生日的白天还真无聊。

I slept until noon. Xia Mingxiu had to work. The day time of my birthday sure is boring.

　　直到下午还是没接到肖恒的电话，我知道他一定会打是因为从十一月开始他就开始偷偷筹划我生日，礼物我都看到是什么了。行，你继续玩失踪拿架子吧，爷我关机了，你想打电话来想送我礼物爷都不稀罕了。

It’s late in the afternoon and I still haven’t received a call from Xiao Heng. I knew he will call for sure as he has been secretly planning for my birthday since November. I even saw the present already. Fine, you can continue playing missing. This lord is going to switch off my phone. This lord doesn’t care if you are going to call or give me a gift.

　　生日在晚上和夏明修两个人一起过，很快乐。

Xia Mingxiu and I celebrated my birthday together at night. I was very happy.

　　肖恒想起来当天洛予辰那么暴躁地对待手机，后来还关机甚至把座机都拿掉了，原来居然是在等自己的电话。

Xiao Heng remembered how Luo Yuchen had treated his phone so roughly that day and switching it off afterwards as well as removing his landline. So he was actually waiting for my phone call.

　　洛予辰的迟钝愚蠢，自欺欺人啊！肖恒都快忍不住要喊出来了。

Luo Yuchen is so slow and stupid. He is deceiving himself! Xiao Heng was so close to shouting.

　　有点不想往下看，肖恒踟蹰地扯着那页纸，后面发生的内容其实他亲眼看着洛予辰的伤心亲身痛着洛予辰的懊悔，真的没有必要再重温一遍。

Xiao Heng didn’t feel like reading any further as he held the edge of the page in hesitation. He had personally seen Luo Yuchen’s sadness and regret which would be the next part of the content. There was no need for him to revisit it again.

　　十二月二十六日 不知道天气怎么样

26th December, I don’t know what the weather is like.

　　为什么肖恒病了我一点也不知道。

Why do I not know that Xiao Heng is ill?

　　医院打来电话了，夏明修接的，具体我不知道。

Xia Mingxiu was the one who picked up the phone when the hospital called. I don’t know the details.

　　肯定不是真的，他明明看起来精神得很。

It must be fake. He clearly looks very spirited.

　　但是为什么他突然答应搬走了，为什么他突然消失不见了？

But why did he suddenly agree to move away and disappear?

　　肯定没事的，反正找到捐献者了，我不用担心他。

He must be fine. A donor is found anyway, I don’t have to worry about him.

　　十二月二十七日 晴

27th December, clear

　　拍照？拍他个大头鬼吧，让我笑我就笑，感情爷是在这卖笑的？

Take pictures? Pictures my ass. Why do I have to smile just because he asked me to, am I here to sell my smile?

　　方写忆也可恨，卖什么关子！我脑子抽掉了，我还跟他低声下气，搞得好像我很希望肖恒回来一样。

Fang Xieyi is also hateful. What’s the unnecessary suspense for! I must be an idiot to have spoken so lowly. It made it seem like I wished for Xiao Heng to come back.

　　我确实有点内疚，但是现在觉得不用了，肖恒又死不掉，我在这穷关心干嘛。

I did feel a little guilty but it seems like it was unnecessary. It’s not like Xiao Heng will die anyway, why am I being so worried here?

　　补写十二月二十八与二十九日 皆晴

Make up for 28th December and 29th December, clear for both days

　　奶奶的，好久没犯了，没想到我的胃还是那么脆弱，真的差点没疼死我。

Damn it, it hasn’t relapse for a very long time. I didn’t expect that my stomach is still so weak. I was so close to dying from pain.

　　我疼得有点神志不清，但是有一点可以肯定，肖恒来了，他照顾我。

It was so painful I didn’t have a clear consciousness. However, I was sure of one thing. Xiao Heng had come and he took care of me.

　　证据是他煮的东西，典型的肖恒口味，好久没吃到了，结果不得不承认还是他做得好吃。

The evidence is his cooking. It has a typical Xiao Heng’s cooking flavour. I haven’t had it for a very long time. I have to admit that his cooking is still the best.

　　我真是没用，他来照顾我一次我就心软了。

I’m so useless. He had only come to take care of me once and I’m already soft hearted. 

　　现在觉得好像肖恒在身边也不是那么讨厌，他饭做得好吃，性格也很好，我到底是哪里不满自己也开始想不通了。

I feel that it isn’t that hateful for Xiao Heng to be around now. He cooks well and has a good character. Just what was I dissatisfied about?

　　二十八号白天我去了他搬去的地方，我本来也不想，但是觉得也不能那么绝情吧，还是去看一下。

On the 28th, I went to the place he moved into. I didn’t want to initially but I felt that I shouldn’t be so heartless, so I went to take a look.

　　结果除了他的东西就什么也没找到，我觉得他不住那个地方。

In the end, I couldn’t find anything other than his items. I feel that he wasn’t staying there.

　　没关系，如果真的想找他随时问方写忆应该可以，跑得了和尚跑不了庙么。

It’s okay. If I really want to find him, I can always ask Fang Xieyi. He can’t hide forever.

　　我把那个戒指拿来了，他丢在那个地方，要是进了小偷也就丢了吧，不如我先帮他保管。

I took the ring. Wouldn’t a thief steal it if he just threw it there? I will help take care of it first.

　　又有点想起来夏明修之前说过的话，我还是确定我肯定不喜欢肖恒，但是这次之后他要是还像以前一样回来缠着我的话，我也许会考虑对他稍微好一点。

I thought of the words Xia Mingxiu had said before. I’m still sure that I definitely don’t like Xiao Heng. However, if he decides to cling to me just like before after this is over, I may consider treating him a little better.

　　起码他会做饭。

At least he knows how to cook.

　　十二月三十日 晴

30th December, clear

　　今天街上很漂亮，心情也很好。

Today, the streets are very pretty and my mood was also great.

　　看来肖恒是打定主意要躲一段时间了，圣诞和新年都不出现，估计今年是见不到了。

It seems like Xiao Heng has made up his mind to avoid me for a period of time. He didn’t even appear for Christmas and New Year, I don’t think I will be able to see him this year.

　　反正又不是我损失，你爱出现不出现。

It’s not my loss anyway. You can appear if you want to.

　　就装嘴硬吧，前天不还是偷偷跑来看我了么，不如早点出现算了。

You can act stubborn all you want. Didn’t you secretly visit me the day before yesterday? Why don’t you stop hiding already?

　　十二月三十一日 微雪

31st December, light snow

　　晚上又是一年一度的音乐晚会，没意思。

Tonight is another once in a year music party. How boring.

　　有点不安，在后台和夏明修说话，说着说着怎么感觉我好像对肖恒的态度变得很……跟以前不一样了。

I feel a little restless. I chatted with Xia Mingxiu behind the stage. As we chatted, I felt that my attitude towards Xiao Heng seemed to have become… very different from before.

　　想到他的感觉以前是就像什么东西重重地压在胸口一样让人透不过气，现在那种不透气的感觉没有了，反而有点甜甜的意思。

When I thought of him before, it felt like something was pressing down my chest and suffocating me. However, when I think of him now, I don’t feel that suffocation anymore. Instead, I feel a little bit of sweetness.

　　我真奇怪，怎么开始对肖恒有感觉了。

I’m so strange. Why am I starting to have feelings for Xiao Heng?

　　一月一日 晴

1st January, clear

　　今天一天创作歌曲都很有灵感，结果也很有成就感。

I had a lot of inspiration when I composed today. I also felt a strong sense of accomplishment with the end result.

　　中间经常想到我们初中高中的时候的那些事情，好多事情我再不想都快忘光了。

While I was composing, I often thought about the things that happened during our middle school days. There were so many things that I’ve almost forgotten.

　　才发现我这一辈子天天的主旋律好像基本上都是肖恒。

It was only now that I realised that Xiao Heng was basically the main focus of my everyday life.

　　一月二日 晴

2nd January, clear

　　肖恒真能撑，还不出现。不过我也不会因为这样就跟他低头的，我就看我们谁能拖到最后。

Xiao Heng can take it so well. He hasn’t appeared. However, I won’t lower my head just because of this. I’m going to see who can last until the end.

　　不过有点想他了，虽然天天说他长得一般，其实还是很耐看的，有时候会觉得越看越帅。

However, I do miss him a little. Although I have said that he looked average everyday, he’s actually good looking. Sometimes, I feel that he’s getting more and more handsome.

　　找照片的时候才想起来都被我烧了，哎，太冲动。

I remembered that I burned the photos only when I was searching for it now. Sigh, I was too impulsive.

　　幸好有一张他在角落的还在，勉勉强强能看。

Luckily, there was one photo with him on one corner that I was barely able to see.

　　果然吧，确实长得还不错。

Indeed, he looks pretty good.

　　一月四日 晴

4th January, clear

　　夏明修今天从米兰回来了。

Xia Mingxiu came back from Milan today.

　　肖恒还是没出现，说实话我都有点想他了。

Xiao Heng still hasn’t appeared. To be honest, I miss him now.

　　那家餐厅也吃腻了，还是肖恒做的好。

I’ve gotten tired of eating at that restaurant already. What Xiao Heng cooks is still the best.

　　这次做得真绝，还不回来，还真要我主动去找他么？

He’s so extreme this time. Does he want me to take the initiative to find him if he doesn’t come back?

　　一月十日 雪

10th January, snow

　　之前那些落到地上就不见了的小雪不算的话，今天算真真正正下了第一场雪。

It was truly the first actual round of snowing if we didn’t count the earlier days of light snow that disappeared the moment they touched the ground.

　　肖恒一向看到下雪就会特别激动的，也不知道现在在哪激动呢。

Xiao Heng usually gets very excited when he sees the snow. I wonder where he is being excited at currently.

　　应该没事的吧，手术。

The operation should be fine right?

　　赶快做完之后出现吧，你要是自己乖乖回来我以后对你温柔一点也没有什么不可以。

Quickly appear after your operation. If you come back by yourself obediently, it’s possible for me to treat you gentler for now on.

　　一月十一日 雪

11th January, snow

　　雪继续下，不想出屋子。

It was still snowing. I don’t feel like going out.

　　夏明修回B市了，一个人看雪真是不爽。

Xia Mingxiu went back to B city. It sucks watching the snow alone.

　　肖恒啊，你错过机会了，要是你今天打电话来的话我说不定能善良地答应你任何要求呢。

Hey Xiao Heng, you have missed your chance. If you call me today I might kindly agree to any of your requests.

　　一月三十一日 雪

31st January, snow

　　一月最后一天，第三场大雪，我开车去河边看了一下。

It’s the last day of the month and the third round of heavy snow. I drove to that river side to take a look.

　　真冷，就白白的，到底有什么好看的肖恒居然那么喜欢。

So cold. It’s just all white, why does Xiao Heng like it so much?

　　二月八日 过年

8th February, Chinese New Year

　　肖恒干什么啊，至于这样么，除夕夜也不打电话来。

What is Xiao Heng doing? Does he have to take it so far? He’s not even calling back for New Year’s Eve.

　　算了，我良心发现一次，给方写忆打吧。

Forget it. For once, I had conscience. Let’s call Fang Xieyi.

　　方写忆说什么其实我听不到，这里爆竹声太大了。但是不管他说什么，我只要告诉那边我对肖恒要说的就好。

I couldn’t really hear what Fang Xieyi was saying as the sound of firecrackers was so loud. But no matter what he said, I just have to tell him what I want to say to Xiao Heng.

　　我就只能做那么多了，他再多要就矫情了，快点出现才对。

I can only do so much. He will be too pretentious if he wants more. He should quickly appear.

　　二月九日 初一

9th February, first day of the lunar calendar

　　去上香！

Burn some joss sticks!

　　不知道肖恒手术做了没有，应该没有问题，但还是去拜拜吧。

I wonder if Xiao Heng has done his operation yet. There shouldn’t be any problem, but it’s still better to go and pray.

　　肯定没有问题，不然方写忆他们都能那么镇定么。

There would definitely not be any problem. If not, how can Fang Xieyi stay so calm?

　　今天拜得是很虔诚的。

I prayed very piously today.

　　晚上回家夏明修又问了我一次那个问题。

When I came home at night, Xia Mingxiu asked me that question again.

　　直到他问，我才发现。

I only realised after he asked.

　　对，我喜欢肖恒。

Yes, I like Xiao Heng.

　　怎么会这样，我刚一承认了喜欢他，就从心里再也没有办法不承认了，连自己催眠自己来否定都没有用。

Why is it like this? The moment I admitted that I like him, I can no longer deny it in my heart. It’s useless to even hypnotize myself.

　　原来我真的早就喜欢他了？

So I really did like him since before?

　　二月十日 晴

10th February, clear

　　今天电台广播里，我已经算间接跟肖恒告白了。

It could be considered that I have directly confessed to Xiao Heng through the radio broadcast today.

　　唉，但愿他会听广播啊……

Ugh, only if he listened to the broadcast though… 

　　起码情人节要出现啊。

At least come out on Valentine’s day?

　　二月十二日 晴

12th February, clear

　　被夏明修郁闷到了，其他节日都还没关系，肖恒他不是连情人节都准备放我鸽子了吧。

I’m now depressed because of Xia Mingxiu. Other holidays don’t matter. Don’t tell me that Xiao Heng is also going to ditch me on Valentine’s day?

　　每年情人节都能吃到的黑巧克力不会今年也没有了吧……

Don’t tell me I won’t get to eat the dark chocolate I receive every Valentine’s day… 

　　唉，甩了肖恒我怎么觉得我损失惨重……

Ugh, why do I feel like I’ve made a heavy loss after dumping Xiao Heng.

　　他一定很生气。怎么办呢，我看我得继续努力才能赢回美人心了。

He must be very angry. What should I do? I have to work harder if I want to win his heart back.

　　所谓自做孽不可活啊……

I reap what I sow… 

　　中间空下了很长一段时间，洛予辰什么也没写，肖恒看着日期的跳跃，心酸。

Then, there was a long period when Luo Yuchen didn’t write anything. Xiao Heng looked at the jump in date and felt his heart ache.

　　停在十三号，情人节的前一天，就是那天小路第一次跟洛予辰和夏明修说肖恒死了。

It stopped at 13, one day before Valentine’s day. It was the day Xiao Lu told Luo Yuchen and Xia Mingxiu that Xiao Heng was dead.

　　还记得洛予辰当天的疯狂和愤怒。

Xiao Heng still remembered Luo Yuchen’s craziness and anger that day.

　　明明特别在乎的，为什么发现得那么迟，为什么好不容易发现了，又要遭遇那样的打击。

Why did he realise so late when he clearly cared? Why did he have to receive such a blow when he finally realised?

　　肖恒觉得自己没用，果然上当了，洛予辰肯定知道他看到后面会为他心疼，像这样心疼根本没有可能不原谅任何洛予辰犯下的错误。

Xiao Heng felt that he was useless. He fell for it as expected. Luo Yuchen must have known that his heart would ache for him after reading the entries at the back. There was no way Xiao Heng couldn’t forgive Luo Yuchen with all this heartache.

　　二月十六日

16th February

　　妈的，我恨医院。

Damn it. I hate the hospital.

　　我不相信，那个路蔚夕是外国人，会满嘴胡言，说肖恒死了，他全家才死了呢。

I don’t believe it. That Lu Weixi is a foreigner with a mouth full of bullshit. He said that Xiao Heng is that. It’s his whole family that is dead.

　　肖恒不可能有事。

There’s no way Xiao Heng is dead.

　　我不能思考，我不能再写了。

I can’t think. I can’t write anymore.

　　三月二日

2nd March

　　肖恒没死，大家都在骗我。

Xiao Heng is not dead. Everyone is lying to me.

　　我昨天晚上梦到他了，他穿着一件挺古怪的衣服打扮得好像古时候的人，但是笑得很开心，拉着我的手在山坡上吹风，下面尽是一片晴翠的春光。

I dreamt of him last night. He was wearing a strange looking cloth and dressed similar to ancient times. However, he was smiling very happily. He pulled me by my hand up the mountain to enjoy the breeze. Below the mountain was a spring scenery of green luster.

　　对，灿烂却微凉，就和今天的阳光与风一模一样。

Yes. It was brilliant yet cold, just like the sun and wind today.

　　肖恒要是死了我才不会做这么美好的梦，他肯定好好的。

I wouldn’t be having such a wonderful dream if Xiao Heng was dead. He must be fine.

　　三月三日

3rd March

　　我还希望再能做到那个梦，可惜没有。

I wished I was able to have that dream again. Unfortunately, I didn’t.

　　我很想肖恒。

I miss Xiao Heng so much.

　　我真愚蠢，所有的幸福早都已经在我手上了，我抓了十年，却完全没有发现，还让它从我指缝里溜走了。

I’m so stupid. All my happiness has been in my grasp for ten years yet I never noticed it and let it slipped away through the gaps of my fingers.

　　肖恒故意躲我，肯定是生我的气了。

Xiao Heng must be angry with me since he is purposely hiding from me.

　　三月四日

4th March

　　今天路过LU DE VICI，看到一块白金钻表非常适合肖恒。

I passed by Lu De Vici today and saw a diamond watch that suits Xiao Heng very much.

　　店员说是亚洲限量的，我就买了。

The shop assistant said that it was limited to Asia only so I bought it.

　　那个自以为是的路蔚夕有的时候也能设计出一些还不错的东西，我觉得它和肖恒的气质很相配，都是那种静静地发着柔和的光，乍看简单朴素，却越看越有味道的东西。

That self-righteous Lu Weixi is able to design some decent looking things sometimes. I feel that the watch matches Xiao Heng temperament as they were both the type to quietly emit a gentle light. They look plain and simple at the first glance but looks better the more you look.

　　送给肖恒做生日礼物，他应该会喜欢吧。

I will buy this for Xiao Heng as his birthday present. I think he will probably like it.

　　三月五日

5th March

　　嘿嘿，我猜得没错，肖恒果然没死。

Hehe. I was right. Xiao Heng wasn’t dead.

　　路蔚夕为什么撒谎我不知道，但是很不幸他选了一个错误的日期，被我拆穿了。

I don’t know why Lu Weixi was lying. However, he has chosen a wrong date unfortunately and was exposed by me.

　　太好了，肖恒没事就好，我知道他现在一定在气我，没事，我愿意等。

That’s great. Xiao Heng is fine. I know that he is definitely angry with me now. It’s okay, I’m willing to wait. 

　　只要他没事就好。

As long as he is fine.

　　三月二十五日

25th March

　　今天的娱乐节目我等于间接向全世界承认我喜欢肖恒了啊，我想他要是看了电视应该能看明白的，我都这样算是低头求他了，他也该给我打个电话了吧。

I have practically told the whole world that I like Xiao Heng during the entertainment show today. I think he would be able to understand if he watched the TV. I’m already begging him, he should be giving me a call already.

　　三月三十日

30th March

　　今天开演唱会，又唱了一首写给肖恒的歌。

In today’s concert, I sang a song dedicated to Xiao Heng

　　为什么肖恒在我的告白之后还是没有打电话来呢？他是没看到，还是还在生气？

Why hasn’t Xiao Heng called me after my confession? Did he not see it or is he still angry?

　　肯定是我做得还不够。

I must have not done enough.

　　我晚上去网上看了，网上也没有他的影子，好灰心。

I went to check my website at night. I couldn’t find his shadow at all. How discouraging.

　　没想到我洛予辰也终于有那么颓的一日啊。

Who would have expected that I would fall to such a point.

　　好吧，明天我把耳环弄回来，我想从今往后我就一直戴那个十字架一表决心，他应该会感动的吧……

Alright. I will find the earring back tomorrow. From today onwards, I will always wear that cross to show my determination. He will probably be moved right… 

　　四月一日

1st April

　　是愚人节吗？对，是愚人节。

Is it April Fool’s Day? Yes. It is April Fool’s Day.

　　上帝给我开了个大玩笑。

God played a huge joke on me.

　　太好笑了，我看着肖恒在我面前一点点变得透明然后消失。

It was so funny. I saw Xiao Heng slowly turning transparent and disappeared before me.

　　我现在仍然觉得那不是真的，肯定是做噩梦做得太真实了，做得太可怕了。

I still don’t believe that it was real. It must have been a very realistic nightmare. It was too scary.

　　但是我根本就没有睡！我怎么睡，看着他突然消失我还怎么敢闭眼。

But I wasn’t asleep at all! How could I sleep? How could I dare to close my eyes with him suddenly disappearing before me?

　　车门都没开，身上他拿出来的毛巾还在，他能去哪，我能怎么产生幻觉。

The car door wasn’t even open. The towel he took out was still on me. Where could he have gone? How was it possible for me to hallucinate?

　　我不能想了，我得去找方写忆，我现在就去。

I can’t think. I must find Fang Xieyi. I will go now.

　　这就是离开的那天了……肖恒突然失去了继续往下看的勇气。

This was the day I left. Xiao Heng suddenly lost the courage to continue reading.

　　之前的内容毕竟是亲身经历过的，再看一遍，也只是回忆重演，虽然痛也只有钝钝的。

The contents before were things I have personally experienced. Even if I read it again, it will just be reenacting the memories although it was still painful.

　　可是后来……洛予辰最惨烈的日子，自己其实没有在他身边，是根本不知道的。

But afterwards… I wasn’t with Luo Yuchen during his most tragic days, so I know nothing about it. 

　　肖恒的手有点抖，又往后翻了一页。

Xiao Heng’s hand was trembling as he flipped to the next page.

　　四月二日

2nd April

　　他死了，他死了。我的肖恒死了。

He’s dead. He’s dead. My Xiao Heng is dead.

　　我想哭，我真想哭，但是眼泪流不出来。

I want to cry. I really want to cry, but my tears just won’t come out.

　　我怎么道歉，我怎么跟他说我错了。

How do I apologize? How do I tell him that I’m sorry?

　　我怎么跟他说我爱他，我从很久很久以前就爱他？

How do I tell him that I love him, that I have loved him since a long time ago?

　　他自杀了，我逼的，我逼得他自杀了。

He suicided. I drove it. I’ve drove him to suicide.

　　我怎么跟他道歉，我怎么才能让他知道我后悔了，想爱他了？

How do I apologize to him? How do I let him know that I have regretted and want to love him now?

　　他还什么都不知道就死了。

He died without knowing anything.

　　我还什么都没来及说。

I haven’t got the chance to say anything yet.

　　我为什么哭不出来，胸口好闷，为什么就是哭不出来。

Why can’t I cry? My chest feels so suffocated. Why is it that I can’t cry?

　　怎么办，我今后的人生还要怎么办？

What should I do from now on?

　　没有肖恒了，怎么办。

What do I do without Xiao Heng?

　　果然……已经做好了心理准备，真正看到之后尖锐的疼痛还是从胸口蔓延到全身。只是一天的日记，只是几行字，肖恒就受不了了。

Indeed… Even though I’ve already prepared myself mentally, I can still feel a sharp pain spreading out from my chest to my whole body. It was just a day’s entry and a few line of words and Xiao Heng couldn’t take it anymore.

　　他机械性地向后翻着，脑子里却趋向一片空白。

He automatically wanted to flip back but his head was blank white.

　　四月三日

3rd April

　　我没有办法睡，没有办法吃东西，没有办法哭。

I couldn’t sleep, eat nor cry.

　　我不停地叫肖恒，我甚至去找灵媒师，我想再见他一次。

I kept calling Xiao Heng and even went to find a master so that I could see him again.

　　可是他都不出来见我了。

But he no longer came out to see me.

　　肖恒，我已经不可原谅了么？

Xiao Heng, can you no longer forgive me?

　　我那么难受，你都不愿意再看我一眼了。

You’re not willing to spare me a glance even when I’m so miserable.

　　你恨我吧……

You hate me don’t you… 

　　不恨我为什么要死呢？

Why would you have died if you didn’t hate me?

　　为什么救我呢，那时让我死了去陪你不好么？

Why did you save me? Wouldn’t it be great to let me die and accompany you?

　　四月四日

4th April

　　我做了个梦，梦见肖恒。

I had a dream and saw Xiao Heng.

　　他居然跟我说：“我再也不会再缠着你了，只求我们下辈子、下下辈子、永生永世不再相见。”

He actually told me, “I won’t pester you anymore. I only hope that we will never meet in our next and next next life.”

　　我吓醒了，全身冷汗涔涔。

I was frightened awake with my whole body in cold sweat.

　　我不想活了。

I don’t want to live anymore.

　　我怕活着，下辈子、下下辈子、永生永世真的再也见不到他了。

I’m scared that I will not be able to see him again in my next and next next life if I live on.

　　就算他恨我，我现在追过去也还勉强能追到他吧。

Even if he hates me, I should still be able to catch up to him if I chase after him now.

　　我活着没办法跟他道歉，那么我要是死了会不会稍稍能够补偿他一点呢？

I can’t apologize to him if I live on. Will I be able to compensate him just a little if I died?

　　四月五日

5th April

　　今天这份应该是遗书吧。

My entry today should my suicide note.

　　我对不起父母，我对不起夏明修，我对不起所有关心我的人。

I’m sorry to my parents, Xia Mingxiu and everyone who cared for me.

　　但是我最对不起肖恒，我欠他的太多，所以必须要还。

However, the person I’m most sorry to was Xiao Heng. I owed him too much. Therefore, I have to pay him back.

　　下辈子，如果有重新来过的机会，洛予辰你记得，你要先爱上肖恒。

If we have a chance to restart in our next life, you must remember to fall in love with Xiao Heng first Luo Yuchen.

　　你要先爱上他，你要珍惜他保护他不再让他受到伤害。

You must fall in love with him first. You must cherish and protect him so that he is never hurt again.

　　肖恒看着这一页，半响，终于泪如雨下。

Xiao Heng looked at this page for a long while before his tears started falling like rain.

　　四月六日

6th April

　　我真没用，选了和肖恒一样的死法，却没有能死掉。

I’m so useless. I chose to die the same way as Xiao Heng but I wasn’t able to die. 

　　医生说割腕自杀也不是那么容易死的。

The doctor said that it wasn’t that easy to die by cutting one’s wrist.

　　是么，那告诉我为什么我就可以不用死掉，肖恒却死了。

Is that so? Then can you tell me why Xiao Heng died?

　　没有必要救我，没用的。

There is no need to save me. It’s useless.

　　四月八日

8th April

　　医院真是瞎好心，两天了没有任何尖利的东西能让我拿到。

The hospital’s kindness is unnecessary. It has been two days but I still wasn’t able to get a hold of any sharp object.

　　今天吃饭的叉子很尖，我盯着它看了半天，但是后来还是被护士收回去了。

The fork I used to eat with today is very sharp. I stared at it for a long while but it was still taken back by the nurse afterwards.

　　没关系，实在不行我还有牙齿。

It’s okay. I still have my teeth if there are no other choices.

　　四月十日

10th April.

　　我居然还活着。

I’m actually still alive.

　　明明把伤口咬得那么深，也流了好多血，怎么每次都死不掉呢。

I’ve clearly bitten myself so deeply and bleeded so much. Why is it that I alway can’t die?

　　夏明修哭得特别伤心，我很对不起他。

Xia Mingxiu cried extremely sadly. I’m very sorry to him.

　　但是我总觉得肖恒在等我。我想去一个有他的地方。

However, I keep feeling that Xiao Heng is waiting for me. I want to go to a place that has him.

　　四月十二日

12th April

　　我尝试着偷偷死，可是没有办法成功。

I tried to secretly die but was unsuccessful.

　　现在夏明修拉着路蔚夕还有一帮医生护士一天二十四小时守着我，我一点办法也没有。

Xia Mingxiu has dragged Lu Weixi as well as a bunch of doctors and nurses along to watch me 24/7. I had no way to die.

　　才知道人能那么无力，想死都死不了。

I got to learn how powerless people can be. I can’t even die when I want to.

　　四月十五日

15th April

　　他没死，他没死他没死他没死！

He’s not dead. He’s not dead. He’s not dead. He’s not dead!

　　他躺在那里睡着，但是还有呼吸和心跳。

He’s sleeping over there, still breathing and his heart still beating.

　　我冲上去想抱着他，但是方写忆多狠心，竟然不让我碰他。

I rushed over wanting to hug him, but Fang Xieyi was so heartless and didn’t allow me to touch him. 

　　无论如何，肖恒还活着就好。

Anyway, it’s great that Xiao Heng is still alive.

　　我已经别无所求了。

I don’t need anything else.

　　方写忆！肖恒抹了一把不争气的眼泪，咬牙切齿。居然真的那么久才告诉洛予辰事实，太过分了。

Fang Xieyi! Xiao Heng wiped away his tears and clenched his teeth. You took so long to tell Luo Yuchen the truth. You’re being too much!

　　明明可以早点告诉他，可以让他少受点折磨少受点罪！

You could have told him earlier and he wouldn’t have to suffer so much!

　　肖恒的手抖得很厉害，但他告诉自己要看下去。

Xiao Heng’s hand was trembling so much but he told himself that he had to read on.

　　看下去，清清楚楚地知道你不是唯一受过罪的那个人，你不是唯一觉得委屈的那个人，你不是唯一有资格占着对方的温柔就横行霸道却觉得理所当然的人。

Keep on reading and understand that you’re not the only one who suffered, that you’re not the only one who felt grievance, that you’re not the only one who can be overbearing and take the other’s kindness for granted.

　　有人明明痛得完全不比你轻，心意完全不比你少，却没有办法抱怨什么，还被所有人当成坏人，甚至被他自己当成坏人。

There’s clearly someone who’s not hurting or loving less than you, yet he cannot complain. He’s also treated by the others, including himself, as the bad guy

　　四月十六日

16th April

　　我昨夜偷偷溜去看肖恒了。

I went to see Xiao Heng secretly last night.

　　今天是他生日，我在凌晨跟他说生日快乐。

Today is his birthday. I wished happy birthday before dawn.

　　四月十七日

17th April

　　今天又去看肖恒。

I went to see Xiao Heng again today.

　　他睡着的样子好安静，他一直都很安静的。

He looks so quiet when he sleeps. He has always been quiet.

　　他很帅，真的越看越好看，我早就知道他特别耐看，是我以前不懂得欣赏。

He’s so handsome. The more I look, the better he looks. I’ve always known that he looked good. It was me who didn’t know how to appreciate it in the past.

　　可惜看到一半被方写忆赶出去了。

Unfortunately, I was chased out by Fang  Xieyi when I was looking halfway.

　　四月十八日

18th April

　　我的肖恒什么时候会醒呢？

When will my Xiao Heng wake up?

　　我很想让他快点醒来，又很怕他醒过来。

I wished that he would wake up earlier but I was also afraid at the same time.

　　要是他醒过来之后不想要我了呢。

What if he doesn’t want me anymore when he wakes up?

　　我差点害死他，他说不定会恨我。

I’ve almost caused him to die, he might hate me a lot.

　　四月二十一日

21st April

　　我已经连续每天看着肖恒一周了。

I have seen Xiao Heng continuously for a week.

　　突然觉得一周好漫长。

I suddenly feel that one week is very slow.

　　以前能和他说话，能看他笑的时候，十几年也没觉得有多久。

The ten years didn’t feel long when I could talk to him and see him smile.

　　有点害怕，肖恒已经睡了半年，不会一直睡下去吧。

I’m a little scared. Xiao Heng has already slept for half a year. Don’t tell me he is going to sleep forever.

　　心里好难受。

I feel so miserable.

　　四月二十四日

24th April

　　方写忆居然给我办了出院手续。

Fang Xieyi has actually settled my discharging procedures.

　　我才知道我自杀的事情完全是对外界封锁的。

It was only now that I knew that my suicide matters was kept a secret to the outside world.

　　我当然不干，我要留在这里看着肖恒。

I obviously wasn’t going to leave. I want to stay here and watch Xiao Heng.

　　结果方写忆居然说肖恒还不知道会睡多久，你能一天到晚看着么？

Then, Fang Xieyi actually said that no one knew how long Xiao Heng will sleep, will I be able to watch him all day long?

　　我觉得没什么不可以。

I think it’s possible.

　　但是方写忆居然拿出契约书，告诉我去工作，否则再也不让我看到肖恒。

Then, Fang Xieyi took out our contract and asked me to go to work.. Or else, he wouldn’t let me see Xiao Heng again.

　　我必须被他威胁！

I’m threatened by him!

　

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