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Side Story 4: Luo Yuchen’s Diary (IV)
TL: Resonance
随着时间的推移，肖恒的后悔开始不断加深。主要原因是饿了。
Xiao Heng started regretting more and more along with the passing time, mainly because he was hungry.
要不要出去吃饭？但是以自己这么没立场，不知道出去了之后会不会就被洛予辰招安了。
Should I go out to eat? However, if I don’t make a strong stand, would I end up being the one granted amnesty by Luo Yuchen instead?
算了，总不能虐待自己，出去！
Forget it! I shouldn’t be abusing my own body. I will go out!
肖恒大义凛然地踏出房间，才发现整个屋子出奇地安静。
Xiao Heng stepped out of his room righteously only to realise that the house was surprisingly quiet.
他也不想丢面子，轻手轻脚地一一检查过所有房间，才发现洛予辰真的不在了。
He didn’t want to embarrass himself, so he tiptoed around and checked every room and realised that Luo Yuchen really wasn’t around.
可恶！你倒端起架子了！肖恒想，竟然敢给我跑得没有影子。
How detestable! Now you’re putting on airs! You dare to leave without a trace.
然后他注意到客厅的茶几上，显眼的位置上放着那三本洛予辰的笔记本，上面压着一张纸条。
Then he noticed Luo Yuchen’s three diaries on the coffee table in the living room with a piece of paper pressed underneath the diaries.
肖恒若无其事地走过去，斜眼看了一下。
Xiao Heng walked over casually and took a look.
就寥寥几个字，意思是这些日记都可以让他随便看。
There were only a few words written, saying that he could take a look at those diaries if he wished.
你以为这样我就能心软？肖恒不屑，以前写的一些乱七八糟的东西能代表现在怎样？
Do you think you can make me relent this way? Xiao Heng thought in disdain, What can the random things you write in the past represent now?
而且你让我看我就看了？
And why should I read it just because you let me to?
不看。
I won’t read it.
于是肖恒在房子里面晃了几圈。
Hence, Xiao Heng walked about in the house.
干什么好呢，什么也不想干，心里有事，什么也不能干。
What show I do now? I don’t feel like doing anything. I can’t do anything when I’m thinking about something.
于是肖恒还是转回了客厅。
In the end, Xiao Heng still returned back to the living room.
既然让我看，我不如看看好了，他想，反正机会难得。
I should take a look since you let me to then. It’s a rare chance.
而且高中时候的那些事情，特别是洛予辰为了自己不再踢球的事情，以及遇到夏明修的事情，肖恒很想看看当时洛予辰究竟是怎么想的。
Xiao Heng wanted to know how Luo Yuchen thought of some of the things that happened in highschool, especially when Luo Yuchen quitted soccer from him and when Luo Yuchen met Xia Mingxiu.
我只看高中这一本，绝对不看现在的那本，绝对不被你用这种方法怀柔，肖恒想。
I will only look at the one from high school. I will not read the most current one. I definitely won’t relent through this method of yours.
他随手翻开的第一页，果然招眼就看见夏明修的名字，不禁轻哼一声。
He casually opened to a page and as expected, he saw Xia Mingxiu’s name. He humphed lightly.
七月三十日 晴
30th July, clear
今天夏明修终于出院了，太好了。
Xia Mingxiu is finally discharged today. That’s great.
我们通了两个小时的电话，我明天要和肖恒一起坐车去B市看他。
We called for two hours. Xiao Heng and I will be visiting him in city B tomorrow.
从六月份我们回来之后，两个月没有见到他了呢，希望一切都好。
I haven’t seen him in two months ever since we returned in June. I hope everything is okay.
看着不爽，肖恒记得那次去B市的事情，洛予辰不惜把全月的零用钱拿出来跨半个中国去看夏明修一趟，自己还因为担心洛予辰跟屁虫似的跟着。
Xiao Heng felt unhappy reading it. He still remembered their trip to city B. Luo Yuchen didn’t hesitate to use his entire month of salary to travel over half of China to see Xia Mingxiu. Xiao Heng also tagged along as he was worried about Luo Yuchen.
如果说有什么私心的话，那就是夏明修家人多地方又比较小不能招待他们，所以他和洛予辰晚上要一起去住宾馆。
If there were any secret matters to me mentioned, it would be when he and Luo Yuchen had to stay in a hotel that night because Xia Mingxiu’s family had many people but not enough rooms to spare.
那不是肖恒人生中第一次可以在洛予辰睡着之后偷看他的睡脸，之前球队集体训练的时候他有很多次机会光明正大地看着洛予辰熟睡，但是已经没有一起踢球的机会了，肖恒当时以为这说不定已经是最后一次呢，于是顺手占了点小便宜，也就是趁洛予辰睡着的时候，肖恒偷偷亲了他。
It wasn’t the first time in Xiao Heng’s life when he could secretly look at Luo Yuchen’s face after he slept. He had many opportunities to look at Luo Yuchen sleep when they had soccer team training in the past. However, he could no longer play soccer with Luo Yuchen. Xiao Heng had thought that it may be his last time to see Luo Yuchen’s sleeping face, so he took the chance to take a small advantage of Luo Yuchen. When Luo Yuchen was sleeping, Xiao Heng secretly kissed him.
那才是他和洛予辰的初吻，是他这辈子都不会告诉洛予辰的秘密。
That was Luo Yuchen and his real first kiss and a secret he will never tell Luo Yuchen for his entire life.
肖恒笑笑，顺手往后翻了一页，当即愣了。
Xiao Heng laughed and flipped to the next page. Then, he was stunned.
七月三十一号 晴
31st July, clear
肖恒他昨天晚上竟然偷亲我。
Xiao Heng secretly kissed me last night.
他知道？肖恒盯着那仅有的一句话发呆，那么多年那么多事，他从来都以为直到自己让洛予辰和自己在一起的时候洛予辰才知道自己对他的友情是不纯粹的，没想过洛予辰高一的时候就知道自己的心思。
He knows? Xiao Heng stared at that sentence in the daze. So many years have passed and so many things have happened. Xiao Heng had always thought that it was only after he and Luo Yuchen got together when Luo Yuchen knew that his feelings from him weren’t purely friendship. Unexpectedly, Luo Yuchen already knew about his feelings since year one of highschool.
知道的，还能一直装得若无其事，肖恒深深地吸了口气，原来自己在洛予辰身边比想象中更早穿帮。
He knew it yet he could act like nothing had happened. Looks like I was exposed earlier than I thought. Xiao Heng took a deep breath.
肖恒继续往下看。
He continued reading.
八月一号 晴
1st August, clear
今天我和肖恒一起坐火车回去了。
Today, Xiao Heng and I took the train back.
我装成不知道的样子，但是我已经不能用以前的眼光来看肖恒了，他现在的殷勤每一点都让我浑身不舒服。
I acted like I didn’t know anything, but I could no longer look at Xiao Heng the same way. Now, every bit of his diligence makes me uncomfortable.
怪不得他一直对我特别好，怪不得他一直不交女朋友。
No wonder he always treats me especially well. No wonder he never ever had a girlfriend.
太过分了，我一直当他是最好的朋友，他怎么可以对我存在那种想法？
He’s too much. I always treated him as my best friend, how could he think of me this way?
就算我喜欢的夏明修也是男生，不代表肖恒就可以喜欢我。
Even if the Xia Mingxiu I like is a man doesn’t mean Xiao Heng can like me.
这算什么？只准州官放火不许百姓点灯？肖恒看着洛予辰“我可以喜欢夏明修，肖恒不可以喜欢我”的逻辑不禁撇嘴。
What is this? Only the official can send you some sparks but a peasant can’t? Xiao Heng pouted when he saw Luo Yuchen’s “I can like Xia Mingxiu but Xiao Heng can’t like me” logic.
不想往下看了，肯定是抱怨连篇，现在看了肯定不爽，生气伤肝，肖恒决定往前面翻。
I don’t want to read any further. It must be full of complaints. I will definitely be unhappy if I read it and anger myself. Xiao Heng decided to read the pages in front.
一翻，就这么巧是那天。
Coincidentally, his flipping led him to that day.
五月一号 晴
1st May, clear
今天是我一辈子都值得纪念的日子，因为我遇到了夏明修。
Today is the day worth commemorating for my entire life as I have met Xia Mingxiu.
在医院的草坪上的椅子里看到他时，我以为我看到天使了。
I thought I had seen an angel when I first saw him sitting on the chair at the hospital lawn.
他好美，我当时心跳得好快，我从来没有过这样的感觉。
He’s so pretty, my heart started beating very fast. I’ve never felt this way before.
明明是个男孩子，却漂亮得不像话，我以前交过的所有女朋友和他比起来根本都是庸脂俗粉。
He’s so beautiful despite clearly being a man. The girls I have dated before were nothing compared to him.
我今天才知道原来我可以喜欢男生。
For the first time, I knew that I can actually like a man.
我问了他的名字、住址和电话，可惜他很快就要回去了，我又不能丢下肖恒，就只好先说再见了。
I asked for his name, address and number. Sadly, he had to go back soon and I couldn’t abandon Xiao Heng, so I could only bid him goodbye.
夏明修，多好听的名字，阳光灿烂的。
Xia Mingxiu. What a nice name, so bright and brilliant.
睡不着，明天一定去找他。
I can’t fall asleep. I must go find him tomorrow.
什么啊，夏明修的名字好听么？我怎么不觉得？肖恒郁闷，无聊，我才不要看你们甜甜蜜蜜的日子呢。
What? Is Xia Mingxiu’s name nice? Why do I not feel so? Xiao Heng felt depressed. So boring. I’m not interested in the two of your sweet days.
还有什么叫“又不能丢下肖恒”说得我好像累赘一样！
And what did you mean by “couldn’t abandon Xiao Heng”? You sounded as if I was a burden!
于是肖恒继续往前翻，翻得书页哗啦啦地响，终于翻到了他和洛予辰一起踢球的那段日子。
Hence, Xiao Heng continued flipping towards the earlier pages, and loud flipping sound can be heard from the book. Finally, he flipped to the days when he played soccer with Luo Yuchen.
他觉得洛予辰把这些放在这里让自己看的意思应该还是要以此来感动自己顺便和解，所以自己如果再把洛予辰和夏明修的日子看下去的话一定会有违洛予辰的初衷。
Xiao Heng felt that Luo Yuchen had placed these diaries here with the intention to move his heart as well as to reconcile. Therefore, he would be going against Luo Yuchen’s intention if he continued reading about Luo Yuchen and Xia Mingxiu’s days.
美好，美好，要回头想些美好的往事，肖恒告诉自己。
Happy, happy. I should think about the happy days. Xiao Heng told himself.
因此会比较希望看那段一起踢球的日子，那段日子确实非常美好，这样可以快点忘记洛予辰的可恶。
Hence, he wished to see more about their soccer days. That period was very happy and wonderful and he can forget about Luo Yuchen’s hatefulness faster this way.
二月十六日 晴
16th February, clear
今天青年杯初赛告捷，太高兴了，三比零大败对手啊！
We won the preliminary match for the youth cup today. I’m so happy, it was a great victory with the score of 3-0!
肖恒太猛了，对方十四次射门有十个没踢飞的，全被他挡下来了，看他把那些球扑出来的时候真的好激动，特别想当时就给他几个大大的熊抱。
Xiao Heng is so fierce, he blocked ten of the fourteen shots the opponent managed to hit towards the goal post. It was so exciting when I watched him block those shots out and I wanted to give him many bear hugs so much.
我也不差啊，三个球有两个都是我进的。
I was pretty decent too. I landed two of those three shots.
总之，我们队有我和肖恒在，一定是超黄金组合，踢遍天下无敌手。
Anyway, as long as Xiao Heng and I are around, our team will be a golden team that is invincible.
真的好高兴，晚上大家一起去吃火锅，最后是肖恒把我背回去的。
I’m overjoyed. At night, all of us went to eat hotpot and it was Xiao Heng who carried me back.
其实我只是装喝多了而已，今天跑得太厉害，累得不行，虽然肖恒也是有功之臣好歹那么长时间我在不停地跑他就站那站着，所以让他把我背回家也不算过分吧，嘿嘿。
Actually, I was only acting drunk. I’m so tired after running so much today. Xiao Heng also contributed to our victory, but at least he only needed to stand there while I was running most of the time. It shouldn’t be too much to make him carry me home right? Hehe.
肖恒好像又长高了，肩膀很宽，趴着很安心，就是太瘦有点硌人。
It seems like Xiao Heng has grown taller again. His shoulders are so broad, I feel eased leaning onto it. However, he’s too thin. It feels a little painful leaning onto him.
果然还是这段日子最好。肖恒看着洛予辰可爱的心思，不禁微微露出笑容。
As expected, this period of time was the best. Xiao Heng smiled unconsciously as he read about Luo Yuchen’s cute thoughts.
背他回去……真失败，这些细节都已经不记得了。肖恒不禁惋惜，早知道自己也写本日记，把这些高高兴兴的日子都记下来。
Carried him back… What a failure I am, I don’t remember these details anymore. Xiao Heng felt regretful. I should have written a diary too to remember these happy days.
二月十七号 阴
17th February, overcast
郁闷啊，腿好酸，还要继续上课。
How depressing. My leg aches so much but I still have to attend class.
下课又有可疑的女生在门口往里看，然后传了东西进来。
When lessons were over, there were a few suspicious looking girls standing outside the door looking inside. Then, they passed some items over.
给肖恒的，热牛奶面包三明治。
Hot milk and sandwich for Xiao Heng.
什么？想用食物诱惑肖恒么？
What? Trying to use food to tempt Xiao Heng?
我跟肖恒说不准吃。
I told Xiao Heng that he was not allowed to eat it.
肖恒问为什么。
Xiao Heng asked me why.
为什么？哼，我们在比赛期间，怎么能为女人的事情分心，这段时间所有主力队员禁止谈恋爱。
Why? Humph. We are in the midst of our soccer competition. How can we lose focus because of women? All main players are not allowed to date during this period.
然后我看见肖恒笑了一下，笑得很开心，当然还是答应我了，不知道他开心什么。
Then, I saw Xiao Heng smiled. He smiled very happily and agreed. I don’t know what was he so happy about?
他不会是背着我偷偷交了女朋友吧？要是被我发现了绝不原谅。
Don’t tell me he is secretly dating someone behind my back? I won’t forgive him if I find out.
洛予辰，你明明在那个时候就喜欢我耶！肖恒看到这里，更加确定了自己的猜测。
Luo Yuchen, you clearly already liked me then! Reading up to this point, Xiao Heng was much more certain of his own conjecture.
洛予辰从初中就开始有的强烈独占欲和口是心非和现在完全一模一样，其间若非夏明修介入根本就没断过，这不是喜欢是什么？洛予辰未免也太迟钝。
Luo Yuchen started feeling possessive ever since middle school and how he is always saying things different from what he truly felt is just the same as how he is now. If Xia Mingxiu never entered the pictures, this state of his wouldn’t have ended. If this wasn’t love, what is? Luo Yuchen is so dense.
肖恒想，这应该不是自己的自作多情了吧。
This shouldn’t be just an imagination of mine right?
因为从肖恒的日记看来，他对朋友的强烈独占欲也就指向自己一个人而已。
According to Luo Yuchen’s diary, his possessiveness towards his friends was only directed to me.
直到遇到夏明修……
Until he met Xia Mingxiu…
要是遇到夏明修之前洛予辰就发现了自己的感情，说不定自己就旗开得胜了。
If Luo Yuchen had realised his feelings before he met Xia Mingxiu, I might have won.
肖恒有点后悔，自己应该早点跟洛予辰告白，抢在夏明修之前，或者根本不让他们两个遇到，说不定会轻松很多，洛予辰从一开始就是自己的。
Xiao Heng felt a little regretful. I should have confessed to Luo Yuchen early and take the place in Luo Yuchen’s heart before Xia Mngxiu. Perhaps, I shouldn’t have even let them meet. It might have been easier for me as Luo Yuchen would have been mine since the start.
当然这只是肖恒自己的暗黑幻想的一部分。
Of course, this was just a part of Xiao Heng’s dark imaginations.
二月二十三号
23rd February
青年杯第二场，赢得漂亮，顺利晋级十六强。
We won our second youth cup match remarkably and successfully entered the top 16.
之后就是苦战了，不可能再场场如此轻松，我让肖恒下课跟我加紧练球呢。
Afterwards would be the tough battles. There’s no way we will win so easily again. I asked Xiao Heng to practice with me after lessons.
肖恒真好，都不会偷懒拒绝。
Xiao Heng is so good, he wouldn’t reject due to laziness.
能拿到冠军就好了，想看肖恒那个时候的笑脸。
It would be great if we can win the championship. I want to see Xiao Heng’s smiling face then.
当然那还是很久之后的事情呢，嘿嘿。
Of course, this is something that will only happen a long time later. Hehe.
二月二十九号
29th February
今年是闰年，四年一次的二月二十九日。
This year is leap year and today is the once every four years 29th February.
今天顺利地晋级八强，对手意外地不强，难道说着就是别的地区的水准，还是我和肖恒实在太强大了？哈哈哈哈哈。
We successfully entered the top 8 today. The opponent was surprisingly weak. Is this the standard of other areas or is Xiao Heng and I just too strong? Hahahahaha.
肖恒看着，微微笑了。
Xiao Heng smiled gently as he read it.
自己和肖恒在同一个球队的时候，确实非常强大呢。总觉得两个人有着一丝心有灵犀的力量，虽然一个在最前方一个在最后方，想要眼神或动作交流都很困难，却奇怪地在场上可以感知对方的存在，可以被对方激励着。
The team is truly strong when Xiao Heng and I are in the same team. I always feel that we have power to understand each other tacitly. One is at the front most while the other is at the very end, it was difficult to even use our eyes or body to communicate. However, we were still strangely able to feel each other’s existence and encourage each other.
那是一种什么样的力量，肖恒到现在还不大明白，可是那种特殊的羁绊那时让他感到自己对于洛予辰而言也非常特别。
Xiao Heng still doesn’t understand what kind of power it was, but that bond made Xiao Heng feel that he was also special to Luo Yuchen.
三月十五日
15th March
今天踢了平生最艰难的一次。
Today’s match was the toughest in my life so far.
对手好奸诈，铲球的时候宁可犯规都要让我们的人受伤，最后替补都上玩了，裁判还给黑哨，气死我了！
The opponent is so crafty. When they were tackling, they tried to injure us even if it meant breaking the rules. In the end, all the substitute players came out to compete. The referee also had to use the black card. How infuriating!
不过我们还是赢了，哼，强大就是强大，你作弊也不行。
But in the end, we still won. Humph. We are strong means we are strong. Even if you cheat, you can’t win.
四强了四强了~
We are now in the top 4~
四月一日
1st April
果然进了四强就不是那么简单，我家肖恒今天受伤了，呜呜呜呜呜呜……
As expected, things aren’t easy now that we are in the top 4. My Xiao Heng was hurt today. Wuwuwuwuwuwu[1]…
他猛啊，居然在四人联手的疯狂攻势下跑出来抢球，当时我在前场看得是提心吊胆热血沸腾啊，结果居然让他抢到了，我们肖恒真是可攻可守的人才啊。
He’s so fierce, running out to steal the ball against four people’s crazy offensive. I was so worried and I felt my blood rushing as I watched from the front court. In the end, he actually managed to steal the ball. Our Xiao Heng has the talent to both attack and defend.
幸好身上的伤都没大碍，就是嘴唇擦破了好大一块。
Fortunately, his wounds weren’t serious. There was a large scrape on his lips.
偷偷说一句，估计如果肖恒看到了会杀了我的，不过肖恒受伤的样子好诱惑啊，我觉得多少女生都会被他迷倒吧。
I will say this secretly as Xiao Heng may kill me if he sees this. Xiao Heng looks so alluring when he is injured, I feel that many girls will be smitten by him.
总之，下一场就是到B市去冲击冠军了，耶！
Anyway, the next match would be held at city B for the championship. Yay!
话说决赛那他四月十六号是肖恒的生日，要是赢了的话一定要把所有积蓄都花了去庆祝！
Speaking of which, the day of the final match is on 16th April which is Xiao Heng’s birthday. If we win, I’m going to spend all my savings to celebrate it!
肖恒看着这些，渐渐从笑容转为一丝淡淡的忧伤。
Looking at this, Xiao Heng’s smile slowly turned into sadness.
如果那他自己可以上场，如果那天赢了比赛……
If I could compete that day, if we won the match that day…
不知道洛予辰会有多高兴呢……
I wonder how happy Luo Yuchen would be…
四月十四日
14th April
今天抵达B市，其实明明比S市也好不到哪去，为什么就是觉得壮观呢？
We arrived at city B today. Why do I find it spectacular even though it wasn’t especially greater than city S?
大概毕竟是古代都城，天子脚下的地方就是不一样。
Maybe because it was the ancient capital after all. The land that the emperor resided in is just different.
我跟肖恒约好了踢完比赛好好逛逛整座城市呢。
I have agreed with Xiao Heng to stroll around the whole city after our match.
四月十五日
15th April
不该出去的，我作为队长不该让他们昨天晚上出去吃东西的。
We shouldn’t have gone out. As the captain, I shouldn’t have let them out last night to eat.
怎么办？现在肖恒受伤了，没办法比赛，以后都没办法比赛了。
What should I do? We cannot compete now that Xiao Heng is injured. We can no longer compete in the future.
昨天晚上他挡在我前面，当时我吓坏了，我真怕他就被那些人给……
I was so terrified when he stood in front of me last night. I’m so scared that he would be…
幸好，我该说幸好么？但是确实幸好肖恒他够强抢下了刀子，幸好他只是伤到腿而已。
Fortunately. Should I be saying fortunately? However, it was indeed fortunate that Xiao Heng was strong enough to rob the knife away from the opponent. Fortunately, it was only his leg that was hurt.
我多没用，我被肖恒保护了，还让那些小杂种们跑了！
I’m so useless. I was protected by Xiao Heng and even let those bastards escape!
肖恒的天分那么好，我害他不能再踢球了，我怎么赔给他，拿什么赔？
Xiao Heng is so talented. I’ve caused him to not be able to play soccer anymore. How should I compensate him? What do I use to compensate?
只有我也不踢了。我告诉他我也不会再踢了。
I can only compensate by telling him that I will not play soccer anymore. I told him that I will quit soccer too.
他不在，我留下没意思，我真的是这样想。
There’s no point in me staying if he isn’t around. I truly think so.
四月十六日
16th April
我拼命了，但是不行，没有肖恒在场上我根本不能专心根本不能放心根本不能感到任何乐趣。
I fought with all I’ve got but it was still impossible. Without Xiao Heng on the court, I cannot concentrate, I cannot be rest assured and I cannot feel any joy.
我回去帮肖恒买了生日蛋糕两个人一起庆祝。
I went back and bought Xiao Heng a birthday cake and the two of us celebrated.
我跟他说我不会再踢球了。
I told him that I will quit soccer.
没有肖恒踢球没有意思。
There’s no meaning in soccer if Xiao Heng is not around.
看得好难过……
It’s so sad reading this…
肖恒把本子丢到一边，看着窗外已经夕阳西下，怪不得眼睛有点酸。
Xiao Heng threw the book aside and looked outside the window and saw that the sun had already set. No wonder my eyes feel tired.
洛予辰这个混蛋现在不该回来了么？
Why isn’t that jerk Luo Yuchen back yet?
肖恒心里默默说，我数一二三，你要是开门进来那就是天意我就什么都原谅你了。
Xiao Heng said quietly in his heart, “I will count to three. If you come in the door, then it is heaven’s will and I will forgive you.”
然而天意是让肖恒不要那么容易就原谅洛予辰。
However, heaven’s will was for Xiao Heng to not forgive Luo Yuchen so easily.
真的饿了，饥肠辘辘。
I’m so hungry, my stomach is calling.
于是肖恒去做饭，想着洛予辰连吃饭时间都没出现，自己也不能那么殷勤还去给他做饭。
Hence, Xiao Heng went to cook dinner. There’s no way I will be so eager to cook for Luo Yuchen when he doesn’t even appear during dinner time.
于是肖恒做了自己的一份吃了，吃完之后就在客厅里等着。
Therefore, Xiao Heng only cooked for himself. After he finished eating, he sat in the living room and waited.
等着等着居然睡着了，醒来肖恒惊觉已经是第二天早上。
He eventually fell asleep from the waiting. When he woke up, he was shocked to realise that it was already the next morning.
洛予辰竟然彻夜未归，好大的胆子！
Luo Yuchen actually dared to stay out all night!
真是管不住了，觉得非常丧气。
He has no control. It’s so frustrating.
以为死了一次之后两人之间肯定能够互相珍惜互相爱护以至于非常幸福，现在却觉得和洛予辰走下去怎么异常的艰难。
He had thought that the both of them would cherish and love each other and will be very happy after he had died once. However, he now finds it unusually difficult to go on with Luo Yuchen.
艰难么，其实也还好吧，还是以前的日子更艰难吧。
Is it difficult? It’s actually okay I guess. It’s still the days in the past that are more difficult.
那漫长的十年。
That long ten years.
自己怎么忍下来的现在都有点想不通了。
I still can’t fathom how I managed to bear with it those days.
总觉得回魂之后自己看开了许多，那十年的痴傻不知道还找不找得回来。
I always felt that I’m more broad-minded after my soul returned to my body. I wonder if I can ever find back the silly me from the ten years.
那十年啊……肖恒把手伸向那个最薄的本子，翻开。
The ten years… Xiao Heng stretched his hand over to the thinnest book and opened it.
那被自己刻意淡忘的一天天，现在回想起来还会愤怒和委屈吗？
Will I still feel angry and wronged recalling the days I purposely tried to forget now?
洛予辰又究竟是怎么看那十年的呢？
Just how did Luo Yuchen look at those ten years?
肖恒觉得是时候再一次面对它了。
Xiao Heng felt that it was the time to face them once again.
总不能一直逃避，将其埋没在记忆深处成为阴影吧。
I can’t always avoid those memories and bury them in the depths of my memory to form a shadow can I?
想要和洛予辰好好走下去，曾经一起渡过的日子，快乐或痛苦，都应该去珍惜去铭记。
If I want to be with Luo Yuchen forever, then I should cherish and remember the days we have spent together no matter happy or painful.
那么把那些可以掩藏的东西挖出来吧。
Then, let’s dig out the things I have hidden.
他想他可以面对。
I think I can face them.
肖恒翻开日记本之后终于明白了它为什么那么薄，因为每篇日记都相当短。
After opening the diary, Xiao Heng finally understood why it was so thin. Every entry was very short.
当然记载的都不是什么太美好的东西，看到的第一篇就很让肖恒郁闷。
Of course, the things recorded weren’t anything nice. The first entry Xiao Heng saw already made him depressed.
九月十四日 晴
14th September, clear
为什么肖恒会突然变成了公司总裁？这个世界怎么了。
Why did Xiao Heng suddenly become the president of the company? What’s wrong with this world?
他突然成了我老板了，真是讽刺。
He suddenly became my boss. Such irony.
早知道我肯定不去唱歌。
If I knew this, I definitely wouldn’t go and sing.
跟肖恒的朋友这辈子都再也当不成了。
I can never be friends with Xiao Heng again this lifetime.
就知道翻开之后都是些不好的回忆，肖恒叹了口气，看了前面的内容也明白了为什么洛予辰在成为歌手之后就开始疏远自己，那是因为他发现了自己的感情。
I knew I wouldn’t be seeing good memories when I opened it. Xiao Heng sighed. After seeing the contents from before, he also understood why Luo Yuchen started growing apart from him after becoming a singer. It was because Luo Yuchen has noticed his feelings.
自己成了总裁他也没有来找自己，可见多不爽。
After Xiao Heng became the president, Luo Yuchen had never come to find him. One could see how unhappy Luo Yuchen was.
算了，继续看吧，自己今天就自虐一下，到底看看曾经在洛予辰心里多么一文不值。
Forget it. Let’s continue reading. Let’s abuse myself for today and see how worthless I was in Luo Yuchen’s eyes.
十月二日 晴
2nd October, clear
夏明修让我不要去，我还是去找肖恒说了。
Xia Mingxiu asked me not to go, but I still went and talked to Xiao Heng.
我从来没想过一辈子我洛予辰也有一天能把自己给卖了，还卖给了肖恒。
Never have I expected that I would be selling myself one day, and I was even selling myself to Xiao Heng.
算了，我跟夏明修应该就是有缘无分吧。
Forget it. I guess Xia Mingxiu and I are just not fated to be together.
肖恒让我跟他在一起十年。
Xiao Heng asked me to be with him for ten years.
十年很久。
Ten years is so long.
十月五日 晴
5th October, clear
今天看了肖恒买的新房子，很大很漂亮，但是算什么，金屋藏娇么？
Today, I saw the new house Xiao Heng bought. It was very large and beautiful, but what is this? Taking in a wife?
还写了一半我的名字。当我稀罕？
He even wrote my name in. Did he think that I needed it?
想到一起生活之后居然要和肖恒做，我就没办法保持冷静。
I can’t stay calm thinking about the fact that I will have to do it with Xiao Heng once I live with him.
可恶。
How hateful.
看到这里肖恒不禁一阵苦笑，思量这个洛予辰究竟是怎么想的，难道拿日记给自己看不是为了和好而只是为了让自己难受？
Xiao Heng put up a wry smile after reading up to this point and pondered about Luo Yuchen’s intention for making him read this. Was the diary not meant to help us reconcile but instead to make me upset?
这些回忆真的有些伤人，即使现在回想起来也是刺刺的。
These memories are so painful even if he’s thinking back now.
算了，面对现实。肖恒对自己说。
Forget it. Let’s face reality. Xiao Heng said to himself.
十月十四日 晴
14th October, clear
昨晚真的做了，我跟肖恒。
We really did it last night. Xiao Heng and I.
他看起来像是很耐折腾的，我却把他弄昏过去了。
He looked like he could take those matters very well, but he still fainted.
不知道怎么了，看到他那副低眉顺眼的样子我就烦躁，不想看到他，真是讨厌。
I don’t know why I feel so irritated seeing his pleasing appearance. I don’t want to see him. It’s so hateful.
十年，我非得抑郁而死不可。
Ten years. I can only be depressed but not die.
十二月二十五日 雪
25th December, snow
今天我十八岁整。
Today, I’m 18.
居然被肖恒拉去整了一个耳洞戴了个十字架。
I was actually dragged by Xiao Heng to pierce an ear hole to wear the cross earring.
虽然那个耳坠确实漂亮，但是一想到是肖恒给的还是烦。
The earring does look pretty. However, it still annoys me when I remember that it was Xiao Heng who gave it to me.
算什么，给个狗链子拴着么？
What is this supposed to be, a dog chain?
肖恒越看越难过，越看越不想看。
The more Xiao Heng read, the sadder he felt and the more he didn’t want to read on further.
已经快要被洛予辰半年来的柔情和爱护抹杀的不安和委屈，愤怒和不甘，又一一浮现在眼前。
The insecurities, grievance, anger and resentment that was close to being completely obliterated by Luo Yuchen tenderness and love for the past half a year has once again appeared before Xiao Heng.
肖恒觉得刻意不去想这些不好的记忆的时候，渐渐那种阴影可以随时间从心间淡去，但是今天回首往事，发现还是刺起人来还是生疼的。
Xiao Heng felt that those negative emotions could slowly fade away with time if he doesn’t try to think of those bad memories. However, he realised that it is still painful when he thinks back about the past today.
没关系，肖恒自我安慰，好歹我死了一次又活了一次，壳也硬了很多，不怕。
It’s okay. Xiao Heng comforted himself. I’ve already died and come back to life once. My shell has become harder. I’m not afraid.
继续往后翻，每篇日记更是越来越短，到后来的日记都成了一句话概括。
He continued reading and the entries became shorter and shorter. The entries at the back were all summed up using one sentence.
肖恒发现十年的日子照洛予辰这样记起来确实就成了白驹过隙。
Based on how Luo Yuchen recorded the days, Xiao Heng realised that the ten year became very fast.
每天都只有“烦”、“高兴”或者“今天吃了XX”之类的字眼，搞得自己也回忆不起来那十年究竟发生了什么了。
Every day, there was only “annoyed”, “happy” or “I ate xx today” kind of words. Even Xiao Heng couldn’t remember what happened in the ten years anymore.
也对，本来每一天对洛予辰都是千篇一律的无聊，而对肖恒都是千篇一律的绝望。
Right. Everyday is just a routined boring day to Luo Yuchen anyway while everyday is a routined painful day to Xiao Heng.
原来我们的十年那么没滋没味啊。
Our ten years was actually so uninteresting.
肖恒快速地翻页，终于有一页开始有了实际意义的正文。
Xiao Heng quickly flipped through until he finally reached a page that had actual content.
十二月二日 晴
2nd December, clear
肖恒终于搬走了，我回来的时候他已经走了。
Xiao Heng finally moved away. He had already left when I came back.
“没良心……”肖恒看着那一页嘟囔。
“How heartless…” Xiao Heng mumbled when he read it.
那一天自己是怎样的绝望已经黑暗得快要想不起来了，到了洛予辰这里倒好，神清气爽一句话。
My memories are so dark I almost can’t remember how much despair I was facing that day. It sure is great on Luo Yuchen’s side. What a refreshing sentence he wrote.
不甘心啊不甘心。
I’m not resigned to this.
十二月三日 晴
3rd December, clear
忘了上闹钟拍照差点迟到，明天记得上。
I forgot to set the alarm and was almost late for the photoshoot. I will remember to set it today.
回来再也不用看到他了，很好。
It’s great that I don’t have to see him when I come home.
十二月四日 阴
4th December, overcast
今天很累。
I’m very tired today.
摆脱肖恒的第二点好处，没有他吵家里很清净。
The second advantage of not having him around: Without him being noisy, the house is very quiet.
过分，我一把情况下都是很安静的，肖恒不服。
That’s too much. I’m usually very quiet. Xiao Heng was not convinced.
随即又想了想，十二月四日好像是自己开始跟着洛予辰当背后灵的日子，现在想来倒有点怀念那段奇异的经历。
Thinking back again, 4th December seems to be the day I started following Luo Yuchen around as a spirit. Now that I think about it, I quite miss that strange experience.
后来的事情其实不用再看一遍，肖恒已经知道了。
Xiao Heng knew about the things that had happened afterwards without having to read it again.
十二月五日 晴
5th December, clear
我终于摆脱那个讨厌的耳环了，这是没有肖恒的第三点好处。
I’ve finally gotten rid of that annoying earring. This is the third advantage of not having Xiao Heng around.
准备夏明修搬进来的事情，早该这样做了。
I’m preparing for Xia Mingxiu to move in. I should have done this long ago.
夏明修比洛予辰好，这是第四点好处。
Xia Mingxiu is better than Xiao Heng. This is the fourth advantage.
肖恒看着洛予辰计算着自己离开的好处的时候反而不生气了，因为他太了解洛予辰习惯性的口是心非，这样不停地找理由反倒说明了自己走了之后他也不是特别开心。
Xiao Heng wasn’t angry when he saw Luo Yuchen listing the advantage of him leaving. He understands Luo Yuchen’s habit of saying things different from what he truly felt very well. Luo Yuchen continuously finding reasons for himself shows that he wasn’t actually happy when he left.
而后来的事实也证明了洛予辰根本就不开心。
What’s written afterwards also proves that Luo Yuchen wasn’t happy at all.
十二月六日 晴
6th December, clear
八宝饭真的很难吃。
The Eight Treasure Rice was really terrible.
有点想念肖恒做的东西，虽然很讨厌他的人，但是凭良心讲做的东西很好吃。
I kind of miss Xiao Heng’s cooking. Although he is annoying, the food he makes is delicious.
摆脱肖恒的第一点坏处终于出现了，算了，好处有四点呢。
The first disadvantage of Xiao Heng leaving has finally appeared. Forget it, there are still four advantages.
十二月七日 晴
7th December, clear
他奶奶的方写忆，摆什么架子。
Damn that Fang Xieyi, why is he putting on airs for.
我把那些照片都烧了，留着干什么，看着心烦。
I burned all those pictures. Why should I keep them? I feel annoyed when I see them.
肖恒，别以为你几天玩失踪我就能心软，我巴不得一辈子都不要再见到你！
Xiao Heng, don’t think that I will relent just because you play missing for a few days. I look forward to not seeing you anymore!
真是嘴硬……肖恒看着这些话几乎回到了当天，想着洛予辰的焦躁和气急败坏，现在回忆起来倒像是手足无措而不知道该怎么办的样子。
So stubborn… Xiao Heng’s mind was brought back to that day after seeing these words. Now that he thinks back, Luo Yuchen’s restlessness and exasperation then seemed more like helplessness now.
而下面的几篇就更肯定了肖恒的这种想法。
The following few entries further proved Xiao Heng’s conjecture.
十二月十五日 雨
15th December, rain
奶奶的，跑遍了附近的餐厅，怎么没有一家东西做得能吃，我还专门点了铁板豆腐，这些商家还想不想继续营业了，肖恒随随便便就能做出来的味道居然没有一家店能达到一半。
Damn it. I went to all the neighbouring restaurants but why can’t I find one that is palatable? I specially ordered hotplate tofu as well. Do these restaurants want to continue doing their business? These restaurants can’t even achieve half of what Xiao Heng did when he casually cooks it.
没东西吃，这样下去我还活不活了。
How am I going to live on with nothing to eat?
十二月十六日 晴
16th December, clear
夏明修今天说很久没见到肖恒了，真是的，别人的事情管那么多干嘛。
Today, Xia Mingxiu said that he hasn’t seen Xiao Heng for a very long time. Really, why do you care so much about other people’s matters?
奶奶的，今天吃什么。
Damn it, what do I eat today?
十二月十九日 晴
19th December, clear
方写忆竟然升成总裁了。肖恒电话打不通。
Fang Xieyi was actually promoted to be the president. I couldn’t get through Xiao Heng’s phone.
干什么，摆什么架子，你以为我想找你？
What are you doing, putting on airs? Do you think that I miss you?
你以为你躲起来了我就担心你？做梦去吧。
Did you think that I would worry about you if you hide yourself? In your dreams.
还有，我找到一家做菜好吃的餐厅了，连这个也不需要肖恒了。
Also, I found a restaurant that has delicious food. I don’t even need Xiao Heng for this anymore.
吃饭……肖恒想着十年以来洛予辰从来没有夸过自己做菜好吃，每次吃的时候也没有一点享受的样子，真的从来不知道他原来很喜欢自己做的菜。
Eating… Luo Yuchen has never complimented Xiao Heng that his cooking was good before for the past ten years. Everytime Luo Yuchen ate, he didn’t look like he was enjoying it. Xiao Heng never knew that Luo Yuchen actually liked his cooking very much.
既然喜欢，为什么不表达出来呢？
Why do you not express it out when you like it?
可是那个洛予辰又什么时候曾经表达过呢？从来没有，想到这里肖恒不禁微微笑了。
But when had that Luo Yuchen expressed himself anyway? He never did. Xiao Heng smiled unconsciously when he thought about this.
自己应该觉得气愤才对吧，他发现自己居然在笑的时候开始生气，不是应该觉得“太可恶了，居然连表达感情都不会”才对么，为什么自己还很高兴。
I should be angry right? Xiao Heng realised that he was turning angry only after feeling himself smile. Shouldn’t I be thinking “How despicable, you don’t even know how to express your own feelings”? Why am I feeling happy?
因为那才是我喜欢的洛予辰吧，肖恒坦然了，嘴硬心软，外表冷酷内心你猜不透他在想什么，但是行为又很容易预测的怪人。
Because that’s the Luo Yuchen who likes me isn’t it? Xiao Heng thought calmly. He is always stubborn with his words but he is actually soft hearted. He is cold on the surface and you can’t guess what he is thinking in his heart, but his actions are surprisingly easy to predict.
自己到底是不是了解那个洛予辰，自己也不知道了呢。
I don’t even know if I truly understand Luo Yuchen.
[1] Wuwuwuwuwuwu – Crying noises
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