Chapter 3: I’m Dead? I, Your Father, Haven’t Even Married a Wife! I, Your Father, Am Still A Virgin!
An Yize didn’t stay for very long. In the end, he simply spoke two sentences before he left.
Su Jian laid on the bed, thinking over their conversation. After confirming that there were no slip-ups, he released a slight sigh of relief. However, for some inexplicable reason, he felt there was still something wrong.
After lying down for a while longer, Su Jian suddenly made an ‘ah’ sound. He realized what was wrong! Newlyweds! Didn’t they say that An Yize and this woman Su Jian had just gotten married a month ago? Isn’t that the time when you’re meant to be joined at the hip? Why was it that An Yize seemed so calm when his wife became injured and suffered from amnesia? Wasn’t he afraid that his wife would forget him and fall for another man after leaving the hospital?
Su Jian frowned and thought for a while, but immediately afterward, he smoothed out his brow and elatedly started humming. But no matter what, An Yize was certainly going to be struck with bad luck this time around. Since he, a male version of Su Jian, lived inside of this Su Jian’s body, the probability of falling for another man was absolutely nil. He, Su mou, had a normal sexual orientation so he would naturally only be attracted to cute girls. If his wife dumped him to go for another woman, An Yize would definitely explode in rage, right?
Thinking of An Yize future reaction, Su Jian suddenly felt that this shocking body-swap after rebirth event wasn’t completely without its advantages!
Upon waking on the next day, the first thing Su Jian did was touch to his chest.
He sorrowfully discovered that his pectorals were still as plump as before which made him lose all hope. He had prayed that this was all just a tragic nightmare, but the reality still made one want to commit suicide by ramming himself into a wall.
fúck! In the past every time I dream of winning 5 million yuan, I’d wake up to half a pillow of drool. Ah! Why did waking from this type of insufferable tragedy still lead to such a tragic suffering?!
Su Jian ruthlessly rammed his head into his pillow over and over.
It would be great if he really had amnesia. Then he wouldn’t need to confront this tragic battleground of waking up and turning into his love rival’s wife…
Su Jian was quietly feeling sorry for himself when his mind suddenly tensed. Oh no! He needed to pee!
The so-called waking up naturally was all because of waking up to a full bladder that he’d been holding for too long…
Thankfully Su Jian’s single sickroom was quite high-end. Not only was it well-decorated, it also came equipped with its own bathroom. Although his leg was hobbled, Su Jian was not willing to be watched while doing something so private. So he did not call for a nurse but carefully climbed off the bed and laboriously moved towards the bathroom.
By habit, he dug into his pants. The result was that he dug and dug but couldn’t pull anything out. This complete emptiness made Su Jian’s whole body stiffen. After coming to realize his current situation, Su Jian silently cried tears that were as wide as the ocean. Ah, those glorious years of peeing while standing. In this way, those days have gone now and will not return… never to return…
Su Jian awkwardly sat down on the toilet. It was the first time in his life that he had ever sat down to take care of a physiological problem which could originally be taken care of by standing upright. His feelings were similar to those of a young woman who had just lost her virginity. His stomach twisted around and around, almost tying itself into a braid.
And so, Su Jian’s entire morning was spent feeling an incomparable sense of loss.
Fortunately, a bunch of guests came in the afternoon.
They were Su Jian’s body’s coworkers and students. With amnesia as an excuse, Su Jian easily dealt with all of them. At the same time, he conveniently uncovered a lot of information about the original owner of this body. Su Jian found out that this woman was a high school teacher in this city and furthermore, she taught literature. Ordinarily, this occupation was an honorable and scholarly profession that was extremely suitable for women. But the problem was that right now this soft female body contained the soul of a rough, masculine man. Although Su Jian’s high school grades in literature were considered pretty good, as a purely science and engineering-focused man, he had no calling for Chinese literature and had only ever fantasized about girls majoring in Chinese literature. Su Jian couldn’t help but feel deep phantom limb pains at the thought of a future leading a class of kids in reciting the “Four Common Characters of Classical Chinese”.
His only comfort was that within the group of students visiting him, several girls looked pretty good, were vivacious and full of youth. It let an ambitious man past marriageable age find just that little piece of consolation when he was about to start facing a painful professional career.
When the guests left, the hospital room quieted down again. Su Jian couldn’t help sighing in relief.
Even though amnesia was a good excuse, it wasn’t easy to realistically act out an amnesiac person’s naiveté and innocence, and for someone who was a teacher at that! And so, Su Jian could only try to suppress his own super manly man spirit and strive to act like a scholarly young woman.
Thinking about going further and further down the path of being a scholarly young woman, Su Jian couldn’t help but feel a huge sense of loss. At this time, he finally realized how wonderful the life of a nerdy loser had been…..
Su Jian suddenly had an epiphany: Yes. Why didn’t I think of that! Maybe I can think of some way to change myself back!
This was indeed in the supernatural realm, but if even such a spiritual thing had already happened, then changing back was completely possible! Not to mention that China was a vast land with a magnificent five-thousand years of history of rich culture and ample resources. It wouldn’t be impossible to find the solution to this problem!
With this thought, Su Jian immediately felt as if his whole body had became filled with passion and strength. He couldn’t wait a moment longer and immediately rang a bell to excitedly call for the nurse.
“I’d like to ask, what is the current status of the person who was also in the car accident with me? Is he in the hospital?”
“Are you talking about the driver of the taxi you were in? He seems to have been severely injured, but luckily it was not life-threatening.”
“No. No. I’m asking about that car that crashed into mine. Wasn’t there a handsome man in that car? How is he now? What sick room is he in?”
The nurse was stunned momentarily. She leaned her head to the side and thought for a while before hesitantly saying, “It seems there was. But I remember when that person was sent to our hospital he was already severely injured. He endured in the hospital for a day or two but was not able to survive.”
A buzzing sound suddenly filled Su Jian’s mind. So, he died? His body, it was already dead?
Su Jian suddenly felt a little breathless. He had never had a big status in his twenty-nine years and would often complain about his loser life. He had no hope of becoming tall, rich, and handsome… Even though he knew that people had to die and would often state “I, your father, have come into this world without a thought about returning alive”, he still never thought he would die so young…
I, your father, haven’t even married a wife! I, your father, am still a virgin! Su Jian could not even shed a tear as he grieved.
Su Jian sent away the little nurse. He clasped his chilled heart and fell back into his bed. He grieved for a long time, before he decided that he needed to go back and take a look at himself.
From what the little nurse had said, he gathered that he had just died, and the funeral should be coming up within these two days. No matter what, he had to think of a way to see himself for the last time! Not only that, his spirit had had such a close relationship with the flesh, what if there is a strong attraction when they met—a paranormal reaction which would allow his spirit to return? Although a corpse reanimation was quite terrifying, he had already experienced the terrifying event of waking up from sleep to have become his love rival’s woman. Was there anything more horrifying that he couldn’t handle?
After thinking things through, Su Jian felt his whole body brimming with enthusiasm and strength and called the nurse again. Unfortunately, the nurses stopped him.
“You can’t, Mrs. An! You’ve just had surgery on your leg. You can’t leave the hospital for the time being.”
“Just for one trip? That also won’t do. Mr. An, he….”
Right when they spoke of Mr. An, Mr. An arrived.
“What’s going on?” An Yize frowned as he asked.
The little nurse told him of Su Jian’s request for a trip. An Yize looked at Su Jian, “Why do you suddenly want to go out?”
Su Jian looked him in the eyes, “I want to go to the funeral of the man that was in the same car accident.”
An Yize slightly raised an eyebrow, “You knew him?”
“I—“ The words “definitely know him” were just about to jump out of his mouth when Su Jian suddenly realized that he was currently the female version called Su Jian. In addition, he was supposed to be an amnesiac. At once, he stiffly changed his words, “…Even though I don’t know him, I heard he passed away. I… would like to go and see.” He said as he lowered his eyes to show his guilt and sadness.
An Yize didn’t make a sound. [Su Jian] didn’t know whether he was being skeptical or still hesitating.
Su Jian couldn’t help but feel anxious. Anything else would have been okay, but no matter what, he had to think of a way to go on this trip! Even though he could secretly slip away, he currently had a lame leg, not to mention everything belonged to An Yize. The difficulty of slipping away was simply too high. But if it took too long, he was afraid he would miss his own funeral! So naturally, the best solution was to convince An Yize to take him there.
Su Jian pinched himself hard inside the blankets and felt his eyes suddenly grow hot. Su Jian slightly raised his face and softly begged, “The driver and I lived, yet he passed away. I’m very sad. I heard he was very young…..”
This body’s voice was originally very sweet, with a hint of softness. Then Su Jian added a full helping of sorrow, turning it into a powerful ‘tool’. Even Su Jian himself was electrified, covering his body in goosebumps. In his mind, he thought: If things continue like this, I, your father’s acting skills will become filled to the point of bursting! Why even continue to be some high school teacher? I could go on to be the king of all actors and get myself an Oscar!
Sure enough, even the King of calm and collected, An Yize, couldn’t take it. An Yize was silent for a moment, then said, “I’ll take you.”
With An Yize, this matter became a lot easier to deal with.
He couldn’t help but admit that An Yize was very effective in handling things. Half an hour later, Su Jian heard the time and place of his memorial service.
As it turns out, tomorrow he would be cremated right after the memorial service. Su Jian couldn’t help but rejoice happily. If he was one step slower, he would never have met himself ever again!
Early the next morning, An Yize fulfilled his promise to come to the hospital and take Su Jian to his own funeral.
The memorial service was in a funeral parlor in the same city. Once Su Jian thought he was about to see his own parents, little brother, and that self that was lying in a coffin, his heart inevitably filled with complex feelings.
In order to alleviate the nervousness growing in his heart, Su Jian, started to draw An Yize into a conversation.
An Yize still didn’t make a sound.
Su Jian was angry. He turned his head to glare angrily but saw An Yize lightly shoot a glance at him. An Yize said collectedly, “Yize.”
“Or you can say ‘hubby’.”
Anger roiled up from his belly to his throat and was forcibly pushed back down. He mouthed in his heart, “Those who want to achieve great things don’t let small things bother them. Those who want to achieve great things can endure a mere love rival”. Finally, after expelling all of his anger, a mosquito-like buzzing sound burst forth from between his teeth, “Yize.”
“I… I forgot!”
An Yize turned his head and looked at Su Jian.
Su Jian was ashamed into anger from his look. At once, he said, “An Yize!”
“…Alright, Comrade Yize. You also know that right now I’ve lost my memories. I can’t remember anything from the past so let’s talk about our past.”
“My first question is: In the past, have you always been asking for a beating this much…*cough* You didn’t hear clearly, right? I was saying, have you always been so stingy with your words?”
“Less talkative than you are right now.”
“…Then, in the past, what kind of person was I?”
“Also less talkative than you are now.”
“An—umm, that—Yize. How did the two of us meet?”
“At a bar.”
Su Jian was a little shocked. Originally he thought Su Jian was the type of traditional girl who had never set foot into a bar before.
“In the past, did I… umm, that… really like you?” An Yize, this guy, he was so good at seducing women. If Su Jian married him, then she probably was very unswerving feelings towards him.
Unexpectedly An Yize turned and looked at him once more, followed by an unexpected silent.
There’s something going on! At first glance, the flames of gossip in Su Jian’s heart had immediately became ignited. He secretly peeked at An Yize. Just when he was sighing in sorrow over An Yize’s unperturbed damn poker face, he left himself unguarded when An Yize suddenly turned his eyes and gazed right at into Su Jian’s.
After that, he heard An Somebody’s voice speak out moderately, “Aren’t you the clearest in your own heart about how much you like me?”
I, your father, definitely do not like you! Su Jian said fiercely in his heart. His rolled his eyes and sincerely said, “No matter if liked you or not in the past, right now I can’t remember it. If… I’m saying suppose if… I can no longer like you, what do we do?”
An Yize lined up the steering to the front with his hand. He indifferently said, “You want to get divorced?”
That would be appropriate!
Although he was violently agreeing in his mind, Su Jian wasn’t stupid enough to show all his cards to An Yize at this time. After all, right now An Yize was considered his only support. Whether it was food or clothing or housing, he had to depend on this big wealthy boss An. And so, before could figure out another solution, he would need to curry favor with this ‘hubby’ of his.
And so, Su Jian said with a smile, “How can that be?”
An Yize was silent again. Right when Su Jian thought he was going to keep being silent, he suddenly heard An Yize unhurriedly say, “Then keep working hard on it.”
Su Jian was stupefied. “Work hard on what?”
An Yize expressionlessly, “Liking me.”
Su Jian, “……”
Ref: 苦逼 = literally, tough/bitter cunt = life is tough; 餐具 = tableware, homonym to 惨剧 = tragedy