Chapter 273: This Life—The Beginning (XIV)
最近尉家事事不顺, 似乎有一只无形的大手在暗中操控。从尉老爷子中风开始，尉家一系的官员相继遭到打压或者调动。最初并不明显, 毕竟各种关系错综复杂，一两个立足不稳也是正常的。但随着换届的到来, 针对尉家的行动愈加频繁，几乎已经触及尉家的权利核心。
The Wei family’s affairs were not going well recently, as if there was an invisible big hand manipulating them in the dark. Ever since Old Wei suffered a stroke, officials of the Wei family were suppressed or transferred in succession. It was not obvious at first. After all, they had all kinds of complicated relationships and it was normal for one or two of their footholds to be unstable. However, with the change in leadership, actions targeting the Wei family become even more frequent, practically touching the core of the Wei family’s wealth and power.
经过多方调查, 尉家的几位政敌似乎都参与其中。直到新一届军委主席上任，尉家在竞逐中落败, 矛盾终于被激发，各方势力开始明争暗斗。不过，尉勋的事业并没有受到什么影响，反而因为智能的研发备受瞩目，给尉家带来了正面的舆论导向。但是, 尚可的存在对尉兴业以及大部分尉家人而言，依然是如鲠在噎。
After many investigations, it appeared as if the Wei family’s political opponents were involved. Until the new chairman of the Military Commission took office, the Wei family was defeated in the competition. Conflicting views were set off, and the various forces began to fight openly and secretly. However, Wei Xun’s career has not been affected in any way. Because the research and development of intelligence attracted much attention, positive public opinion was brought to the Wei family. However, to Wei Xingye and the majority of the Wei family, Shang Ke’s existence was still like a piece of fish bone choking them.
“Keep an eye on the documents you have.” Shang Ke suddenly received this anonymous text message one day.
所谓的“文件”自然就是尚可当初用来威胁尉兴业的材料。尉兴业一直没忘记这枚定时炸弹，虽有心拔除, 却被尉勋死死拦着。尚可掌握的技术, 确实对尉家很有利，但他和尉勋的关系，又会给尉家带来极大的负面影响。如果让尉兴业选择，他宁愿毁掉这种技术，也不希望一段见不得光的关系成为尉家的污点
The so-called “documents” are naturally the materials that Shang Ke originally used to threaten Wei Xingye. Wei Xingye has never forgotten this time bomb. Although he intended to remove it, Wei Xun unwaveringly obstructed him. The technology that Shang Ke controlled was indeed very advantageous to the Wei family, but his relationship with Wei Xun will also bring an extremely negative impact on the Wei family. If Wei Xingye could choose, he would rather destroy this kind of technology and hope that the sordid relationship won’t become a stain on the Wei family.
Wei Xun’s mother Song Mizhen urged Wei Xun to get married every few days. Furthermore, she often brought Wang Qinya along by her side with the status of the daughter-in-law-to-be of the Wei family. Wang Qinya wasn’t easy to deal with either, she intentionally smeared Shang Ke’s name in private, explaining him as a gay who deliberately seduced Wei Xun. The reason why Wei Xun had a close relationship with him was mainly because he liked his intellectual abilities in the field, and Shang Ke was completely and one-sidedly sticking to him.
Most people believed this. Because Wei Xun never had any ambiguous gay relationships from childhood to adulthood, Shang Ke would be no different. He had lost both parents when he was a child, and has been living at the Qi family’s house. Qi Chen was a famous playboy. If he hadn’t had an affair with Shang Ke, with his nature, how could he be so kind to financially support a completely unrelated orphan?
In order to prove the gossip’s reliability, some busybodies posted photos of Qi Chen and Shang Ke on WeChat, not only including close photos of the two from childhood to adulthood, but also Qi Chen’s private collection of Shang Ke’s emoji pack. There were a hundred or so, and no matter who was looking, none can believe that they are just ordinary friends.
Some conspiratests sighed over Shang Ke’s excellent strategy. When desperate, he approached Qi Chen, and when rich, he looked up with Wei Xun. He really was a great player in life.
Qi Chen looked at these photos with very mixed feelings. For over ten years of getting along with him, he unexpectedly didn’t discover his affection for Shang Ke. Were it not for his memory being restored, he was afraid he would still be like a fool, on one hand, circling cheerfully around Shang Ke, and on the other, searching everywhere for his true love.
He only had to take that one step, and Shang Ke would have become his lover. With their relationship as two childhood sweethearts, and with Shang Ke’s gentle character, he would absolutely not reject his pursuit. However, as it happened, he missed his opportunity and can only look on helplessly as his easily obtained happiness was snatched away by that man!
Qi Chen was unwilling. He hated that time couldn’t flow backwards.
Wait, let time flow backwards? A gleam of light flashed in Qi Chen’s eyes. It might not be impossible! Now that the Reincarnation Lamp was in his hands, as long as this world’s Shang Ke and Wei Xun dies, he could just activate the lamp immediately and go back ten years. At that time, Shang Ke was isolated and helpless. He would be his only support, and Wei Xun would only be an insignificant stranger.
The life of a mortal was simply insignificant to Qi Chen, who had Wu Du’s memories. He was eager to give it a try, but did not notice the faint flash of the mole in his palm.
On the other hand, Wei Xun was actually bursting with rage. He immediately blocked everyone who slandered Shang Ke. Soon after, he saw photos of Qi Chen and Shang Ke, and his jealousy skyrocketed. How Shang Ke looked wearing school uniforms, playing ball, biting his pen, hugging toys, cosplaying as Garfield, tying his hair… Qi Chen, from middle school to college, was always by his side. The two cuddled and played together, and even kissed each other’s faces… They looked like a pair of sweethearts madly in love, and Wei Xuan, looking at them, was driven mad.
Although he tried his best to control it, the jealousy in his heart was unbearable. Once, in the middle of making love, Wei Xun suddenly asked, “Have you slept with Qi Chen? Who’s better, me or him?”
Shang Ke stared gloomily at him. What the fucking hell, if I had slept with him, then what are you for? I would’ve fallen in love with him long ago! He looked just like an expert in relationships and can definitely teach a lesson on sex, ok?
Shang Ke forcefully pushed him away, easily pulled out the thing that was still doing evil things inside his body, then turned over and prepared to leave.
“Keke!” Wei Xun immediately hugged him and quietly scolded himself. He really loves Keke, but he was always unable to control his mood in Keke’s presence. He was jealous that Qi Chen was able to completely occupy Keke’s best time to become his most important relative. He himself can only use forceful methods to keep him by his side.
Shang Ke struggled for a while in Wei Xun’s arms, unable to get free. He turned his head and glowered at him, “I’ve only been dug up by you, this pig in this lifetime!”
“You’re right, I’m a pig.” Wei Xun was quite happy to be a pig. Who told him to be the only pig to dig up Shang Ke, this tender white cabbage?
Shang Ke said with a cold face, “Get out! I don’t want to talk to you right now.”
“Then when are you willing to talk to me?”
“Depends on my mood.”
And with that, it has been 3 months.
ShangKe dashed into the laboratory. He could just treat someone like a virus that he has to be isolated away from. As soon as he was done with the decoration robot research and successfully worked out the problems, only to find out that Wei Xun had gone missing.
Wei Xun texted him two days ago, and said he had to go to Xiutayue Mountain. Afterwards, there were no following messages, and when he made a phone call, it indicated that he was not in the service area. Shang Ke immediately started an investigation and quickly found out that Wei Xun’s father, Wei Xingye was sent to the Xiutayue Mountain border to supervise the military drills. It was estimated to end in seven days, but to this day, there was no sight of Wei Xingye. Information about him was also blocked and it unknown what had happened.
TL: That mountain name… sheesh foreshadowing. All the characters individually means, cultivation, pagoda, appointment
Shang Ke paid close attention to the movements of the Wei family, and found that the majority of the most important Wei members had assembled. It seemed as if the situation was not optimistic. He waited patiently again for a few days, but there was still no news. Shang Ke decided to personally go to Xiutayue Mountain to take a look.
“You’re going to Xiutayue Mountain?” Qi Chen found Shang Ke in the airport on the day of his departure/
“Mhm.” Shang Ke said casually, “Your information was very useful.”
Qi Chen smiled and said, “Of course. I was the reason why Wei Xingye was secretly sent to Xiutayue Mountain.”
Shang Ke gave him a sharp look, “Why?”
“He hurted you, so I want to teach him a lesson.”
“So the turmoil in the Wei family during this period of time is also from your tricks?”
“That’s right.” Qi Chen replied calmly.
“What did you do at Xiutayue Mountain?” As far as Shang Ke knew, there was a military base on the mountain’s border, which normal people simply cannot approach. There were armed police all around Wei Xingye and he sat in an armoured car. Not even a sniper can hurt him.
Qi Chen moved closer to him and hugged Shang Ke’s waist, “Give me a kiss and I’ll tell you.”
“Get lost.” Shang Ke ruthlessly pried open his hands, then grasped his collar and asked, “Where’s Wei Xun?”
“How would I know?” Qi Chen spread out his bands, expressing his innocence.
Shang Ke stared at him for a while, until he heard the airport broadcast. Only then did he loosened his hands and said, “I need to board the plane.”
Qi Chen grabbed his arm, restraining his expression/feelings, and asked seriously, “Must you go?”
“I must go.”
“Why?” Qi Chen couldn’t help but asked angrily, “What’s so good about Wei Xun? Imperious, domineering, arrogant. His old man Wei Xingye secretly tried to murder you, his mother Song Mizhen led people to humiliate you, and all of his friends treated you as a joke. This kind of person, is he worthy of your love? Why did you still not give up?”
“Give up?” Shang Ke looked at the sky outside the window and quietly said, “If even I give up, then he really will have nothing.”
No memory, no lover, not even an intact soul. From birth to end, forever an old man, bored and lonely, until he passed away like smoke in thin air.
Qi Chen smiled bitterly and slowly released his hand. He gazed at Shang Ke’s distant back, resolutely leaving. His heart ached. He closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, he was indifferent.
Keke, you don’t want to give up, I also feel the same way. Then let’s have death completely end your last world’s destined fate. When time rewinds, everything will start again…
When he rushed near Xiutayue Mountain, he found that the surrounding areas had been sealed off. He turned to the locals to make some inquiries. Only then did he learn that there have been several consecutive avalanches not long ago, blocking the roads. Some people were buried in the snow, and armed police and the militia were currently organizing rescues.
Shang Ke’s heart sunk. He has a bad hunch. Where’s Wei Xun? How was he right now? He doesn’t care about Wei Xingye’s life or death, he only hoped that Wei Xun was safe and sound.
He tried to call him again. Still, no one responded. His accompanying bodyguards also searched around and were lucky to find one of the bodyguards that had followed Wei Xun. They learned from him that Wei Xun and the other search crew participated in a search together, but there was no contact afterwards.
“How long has Wei Xun been in the mountain?” Shang Ke asked.
“Around 26 hours.”
He gazed at the distant snow, undulating in the distance. Shang Ke would naturally not stupidly wait here, and took advantage of his bodyguard’s carelessness to quickly make his way into the crowd. Armed police blocked off the whole area, and irreverent personnel simply could not enter.
However, it was no problem for Shang Ke. He secretly changed into a set of rescue worker’s clothing, and added his name onto the list of rescue workers. After checking his supplies, he joined a rescue team.
Of those who encountered an avalanche, generally only those exposed on the surface can survive. If they were buried under the snow, the survival rate was very low. It has already been around twenty hours since the last avalanche. The new search and rescue team were mainly delivering supplies and equipment to the survivors who were trapped inside, and searching for dead bodies in passing. As for those still buried under the snow, there is little hope for them.
Shang Ke followed the rescue team all the way across the snowy mountains, walking for several hours before reaching the gathering place for the victims.
He then saw that familiar figure in the crowd. He was dressed in snow equipment and his back was very straight. Although he cut a sore figure, he was alive and well.
Shang Ke rushed over quickly and grabbed and hugged him.
“Keke?” Wei Xun lifted his goggles with a look of astonishment. “How did you get here?”
It was not easy for Wei Xun to resist the urge to kiss him. He looked left and right, pulled him aside, and lowered his voice, “You really are a troublemaker, don’t you know it’s dangerous? The outside’s already blocked off, how did you get inside?” He got a glimpse of the rescue suit on his body, and stopped questioning him. Rather, he started warning him, “Stay by my side, don’t run around.”
“Mhm.” Shang Ke paused a bit then asked, “What about your father? Is he still okay?”
“He’s fine. He had just left by helicopter when I came.” Wei Xun’s tone was indifferent.
The border guard post was only a dozen miles away, surrounded by snowy mountains and icy rock. The road was built at the foot of the mountain. Even if an avalanche occurred, it can be evacuated relatively easily. However, when Wei Xingye took a return trip that day, there happened to be an earthquake, causing several large areas of the snow wall to collapse and the roads to be blocked. Most of the people who accompanied them were buried under the snow. Wei Xingye was relatively lucky. He sat in the car, relying on the equipment and supplies in the car to persist for several hours until rescue teams arrived. After he was given emergency treatment, he was taken away by a helicopter. The remaining soldiers and civilians, including the victims found nearby, could only remain in place temporarily, waiting for backup support.
Shang Ke was speechless. Wei Xingye certainly didn’t care about much but himself. He left his son there by himself. The terrain here was unusually high, and the carrying capacity of the helicopter must not exceed 150 kg. If not for Wei Xingye’s high status, he estimated that it would simply be impossible to dispatch a helicopter.
“We’ll set out after an hour.”
There were around twenty to thirty survivors. They each put on the equipment the rescue teams brought, replenished their energy, treated the wounded and prepared to set off.
After resting, the captain of the search and rescue team lead the way in front, proceeding outside the mountain according to the planned route.
Because he had already passed by once, the journey was fairly smooth.
An accident happened two hours later. At first, the ground shook slightly, immediately following were several loud rumbling sounds were heard. The snow wall had caved in at a high elevation, fog rose everywhere, and the earth seemed like it was being devoured, layer upon layer cracking.
“Everyone, run!” The leader shouted at the tops of his lungs, “Throw away the backpack you’re carrying!”
Everyone threw them aside while running and desperately chased after the leader.
The avalanche was like a bursting dam, violently throwing itself towards the fleeing crowd. In no more than the blink of an eye, 10 people were swept away into the rising surge of snow.
The avalanche came and left quickly. It was already over in a few minutes, scattering those struggling to crawl out of the layer of snow.
The group leader was luckily alive. He looked all the way around. There were originally 25 people, now only 7 remain.
“Everyone, turn your beacons into the receiving state. Search for other survivors while marching to our destination.” The group leader gave orders right away.
In the case of encountering an avalanche, it is simply unrealistic to rely on outside assistance. The golden time for rescue is only fifteen minutes, and those buried can only rely on their surviving companions for rescue.
In the dark, Shang Ke could feel himself being wrapped up by a warm body. At the moment of snow buried him, Shang Ke saw Wei Xun throw himself on him, embracing him firmly within his chest.
The surrounding space was narrow and cold, with only a slight gap between the two.
Shang Ke could still hear Wei Xun’s heartbeat and breathing, but his body was stiff and motionless. He must’ve lost consciousness. Shang Ke didn’t know how far they were from the surface, and according to the current situation, it’s simply impossible to crawl out on their own. Still, whatever the case, they must think of a way to buy time before the rescue arrives.
Oxygen was quickly running out, and within minutes, they would suffocate. Shang Ke fumbled around the two men’s bodies with difficulty to find a beacon and an Avalung ventilator. It was really unfortunate that Wei Xun’s beacon was broken, but Shang Ke’s Avalung was actually in good condition, but it can only allow them to breath for 40 minutes.
Without the beacon’s position, their chance of being rescued within around ten minutes is extremely slim. Shang Ke must think of another idea to allow those outside to find their location as fast as possible.
From his clothes, he was able to fish out a phone. Shang Ke turned the music player and turned it on the highest volume. In this area, cell phones have no signal, so he can only use the given communication system to get in contact with someone. Even if he could contact someone, he was unable to tell other people his location.
The high-pitched music echoed through the dark room. Wei Xun’s body twitched, but he still didn’t wake up, only, his body temperature was getting lower and lower.
Shang Ke picked up his Avalung and placed the mouthpiece into Wei Xun’s mouth. He tried to slow down his breath as much as possible to reduce oxygen consumption.
Shang Ke strenuously summoned up his energy. He stiffly lifted his cell phone and pushed it into the snow layer but by bit. His arms felt like a rusted machine, he must use his whole strength each time he moved.
He knew he mustn’t die. He must ensure Wei Xun’s survival, otherwise his death would be meaningless.
But it was really cold… Shang Ke shrunk himself into Wei Xun’s embrace, but his man’s body was ice-cold. He was incapable of bringing him any warmth. There was only the sound of his heartbeat, calming him.
The layer of snow was too thick and his arm was too heavy. He merely moved it for 10 centimeters, but it felt like a century had already passed.
The closer the phone was to the ground, the greater the chance of being discovered. No matter how difficult it was, Shang Ke must press on. However, when the distance from the surface was no more than a ten or so centimeters, the music on the mobile phone stopped abruptly, and soon came the sound of the phone automatically shutting down. A second later, the surroundings fell deathly still, and Shang Ke was pushed into the abyss of despair.
Shang Ke shivered all over. His mind was somewhat fuzzy, and faint symptoms of hypothermia appeared. He curled his body, his eyes sweeping over the Avalung, but finally did not move it. Avalung does not supply an unlimited amount of oxygen, it merely concentrated the oxygen in the nearby snow. It’s already been in use for around 10 minutes, and the surrounding oxygen has almost been depleted.
After 30 minutes, their chance of survival already dropped from 20% to 10%. Was he really at wit’s end? Could he only wait here and die?
Fuck this, he’s unwilling! Having lived and died through many worlds, in the end, was it to finally hold his man to freeze to death together in the ice and snow?
At that moment, the ground let out a faint sound of friction. Shang Ke was extremely happy. He stretched out his hand once again, wanting the people above him to rescue him. However, the layer of snow continued to press down and he was simply unable to reach out.
“The beacon seems to be nearby.”
“There seemed to be some music just a moment ago.”
“Come quickly, here, here.”
Shang Ke had thought they had a chance for survival, but he heard the sound of footsteps gradually fading.
Damn it, there are people here, where were they running off to?
In fact, the search and rescue team found the beacon Shang Ke had dropped not far away, about forty meters away from where they were buried. It was a short 40 meters, but it actually separated life and death.
Shang Ke tore open his collar, trembling, and shifted his head to his warm stomach to provide him with as much heat as possible. He had been in a state of sparse oxygen over thirty or so minutes, far beyond the limits of ordinary humans.
His brain became sluggish and his consciousness gradually became dizzy, but his desire to live strenuously supported him.
【Why don’t you give up?】 Qi Chen’s words rang in his head.
Give up? Why give up? Hope was in sight, he will absolutely not give up!
Shang Ke began to eat the snow, digging and eating. The ice-cold snow soaked his body, froze his throat and solidified his blood.
He kept on eating, he kept eating, he forced himself to eat out a hole. He ate, bringing him closer to the line of life.
“Captain, there was only one signal here but I don’t see any victims.”
“There should be people nearby. Everyone, search again, if we can save one then it’s one saved.”
“It’s the last 20 minutes for searching and rescuing, we’ll be on our way after 20 minutes.”
Twenty minutes quickly passed in the search. The captain sighed, gathered his companions, and prepared to leave.
Just then, one of the team members accidently caught a glimpse of a red spot on the snow, hesitantly pointed at it, and said, “Captain, what do you think this is?”
The leader turned his head and looked closely for a few seconds. He immediately cried out in alarm, “It’s a glove! Quickly, come over to rescue these people!”
A group of people immediately ran over, holding shovels, and dug at the snow busily for a period of time.
We’re saved, Wei Xun, you have to persist, don’t die… don’t die…
Shang Ke opened his empty eyes. His face was as pale as ice, his lips like two pink crystals, his beautiful life forever frozen in this moment.
Wei Xun’s heartbeat had already stopped beating around ten seconds ago. However, at the moment of Shang Ke’s death, he was suddenly awakened by a sharp burst of pain.
Those two words, just like a spell, kindled Wei Xun’s life.
He slowly opened his eyes, and with the light gradually passing over his head, saw Shang Ke, who had already stopped breathing.
Qi Chen stood by the window in an inn, gazing in the direction of Xiutayue Mountain, waiting for the death sentence of the two men.
Suddenly, his face changed. He immediately sank onto his knees with a thud, hugged his head, and groaned in pain.
It was as if his brain was being torn apart, and the pain was unbearable. Qi Chen’s body trembled, and large beads of sweat rolled down his forehead.
“No… no!” With a hideous face, Qi Chen unwillingly roared loudly out the window. Afterwards he slumped to the side as he passed out on the ground.
When the layer of snow was dug up, the rescue team was startled when they saw two people in the pit.
A bloody face, cracked skin, and a pair of bloody red eyes, staring at them coldly like a ghost.
A curled up body, with one hand hugging the man’s head, and the other lifted upwards. The body was like an ice sculpture, with translucent skin and half opened eyes, quietly looking at the man by his side. His face carried a yearnful and tender expression.
The two were buried for an hour. It was a miracle that one was alive and one was dead.
The team leader saw the phone, saw how ventilator hanging on Shang Ke’s body was given to Wei Xun to use, saw how Shang Ke pulled off his collar to give his barely remaining body temperature to Wei Xun, saw how Shang Ke used his bit of life to stretch his hand onto the surface.
This man, setting aside all chances of survival to the man at his side.
Wei Xun and Shang Ke were sent into the hospital, but one was in the warm hospital ward while the other was in the ice-cold morgue.
Wei Xun’s frostbite was not serious. Although his skin was cracked and the bleeding from his face looked somewhat scary, it was not life-threatening and he can be discharged after a nice period of rest.
But no one discovered that his originally smooth palm has an extra mole.
“Master Xun, the commander…” The bodyguard entered the room holding his cell phone, stopping abruptly at the scene he saw before him.
Shang Ke was peacefully lying on top of the pure white bed.
With his back to the door, Wei Xun half squatted at the side of the bed, pulling up Shang Ke’s hand and tenderly wiping it clean.
“Get out of here.” His voice was neither loud or soft, but there was a chill in it.
The bodyguard hesitated for a moment, then braced himself to speak, “It’s your father that called.”
“Didn’t I say it before? Don’t answer anyone’s phone call.”
The bodyguard did not dare to say more and cautiously retreated. Ever since Master Xun returned from Xiutayue Mountain, it seemed like everything about him completely changed.
The next day, Wei Xun took Shang Ke to the funeral parlor.
When he came out, he held a delicate urn in his hand.
“Master Xun, you aren’t holding a funeral for Mr. Shang?” The bodyguard asked cautiously.
“Everyone dies. What’s the meaning of a funeral?” Wei Xun stroked the urn with his fingers, calmly looking out the window.
“Stop the car.” Wei Xun got out of the car, cupping the urn in his hands, “You guys can return.”
After speaking, he ignored the bodyguard behind him, and walked along the street alone.
When he arrived at the sea, Wei Xun didn’t pause one bit, and walked directly into the sea.
He recovered his memory and at the moment of Shang Ke’s death, immense grief allowed him to forcefully fuse his split soul together.
The reincarnation curse, separated in life and death… With Shang Ke’s sacrifice in this life, it’s all over. Qi Chen lost the Reincarnation Lamp, so he also lost his memories. From then on, he will not be able to appear in their lives anymore.
However, they also lost the Flaming Red Sky Flower connecting each other. Once the curse is over, the Reincarnation Lamp will return back to the original owner. Without the Reincarnation Lamp they will be born in different worlds, not knowing when they’ll be able to meet.
Unless, the reincarnation Lamp has a spirit to protect them.
“You can take away my memory, but don’t take away my love for him.”
“I don’t need to take your love for him, because my love for him is the same as yours.”
Wei Xun closed his eyes, the pain of splitting his soul showed itself from his veins.
Not too long after, his left eye seeped out a drop of blood and tears. At the same time, the mole on the hollow of his palm also disappeared.
I love you.
When you are born again, please teach me how to love you even more.
As his consciousness gradually blurred, Wei Xun gradually sank into the sea, embracing Shang Ke’s ashes.
“Come quickly, someone’s drowning!”
Several winter swimming enthusiasts brought the drowning man ashore, and after some first aid, the man coughed violently a few times and came alive from suspended animation.
Everyone bursted into cheers.
The man looked around blankly, his ears buzzing. His hands unconsciously spread out his hands, his palms blank. There was nothing on them.
“Don’t move, the rescue crew will immediately come over.”
The noise surrounding him made him dizzy, and he was unaware of what they were talking about, and he staggered a few steps. Suddenly, he came to a stop, turned his head, and looked around.
Unfamiliar faces appeared clearly before his eyes.
But the one he wanted to see was no longer visible.
It’s so cold. He didn’t know why, but he suddenly really wanted to curse: This motherfucking life!