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Chapter 10: Tragedy’s End

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He worked like he usually did and was busy holding a concert in the capital city.

During this period of time, his schedule was packed, and he became thinner.

He didn’t know how to make a proper meal. If he was hungry, he would eat instant noodles without any regard for his own health. He basically played with his life.

During his concert, he added in an additional song of his own accord named “Like Love But Not”.

It was a song he never released before, and it was first brought to light during the concert. The fans must have been pleasantly surprised.

The song was dedicated to me. Unfortunately, I only realized this fact after half the song passed and I couldn’t remember some of the lyrics.

The girls below the stage were screaming with great enthusiasm, so it felt less vivid for me listening on stage.

This song was clearly called “Like Love But Not”, but the entire song was only about “love”. I couldn’t hear any part of the song about “not”.

The song was simple yet unique. It described two people’s day. It began in the morning when a cup of milk was served in a coffee cup and ended with how I peeped at him sleeping at night.

He actually noticed those.

I wondered why. This song had such a lively melody, but it sounded so sad and full of uncertainty.

The girls in the front row were all moved to tears by Luo Yuchen’s song. 

His every move affected many people’s hearts, yet he didn’t care at all.

No matter how many people liked him and loved him, he didn’t care.

Luo Yuchen was a being that was so unique, cold, heartless, cruel, and heartbreaking.

I once had him for myself. I felt so proud. it was wonderful.

Why did I let go?

How could I bear to let go?

How foolish of me.

That night, Luo Yuchen’s blog was so active that it almost crashed. Many girl fanatics discussed the new song, talking about Luo Yuchen’s handsomeness and guessing about the story behind the song.

As for Luo Yuchen, he only skimmed through the comment page.

I guess he was looking for me.

He must have known that I would often vilely argue with the “Fishies” and “Daisies”.

“Fishies” referred to Luo Yuchen’s fans, and “Daisies” referred to Xia Mingxiu’s fans. There wasn’t actually much difference between the fans. Since the two of them were close friends, those that liked Luo Yuchen would usually like Xia Mingxiu as well. Similarly, those that liked Xia Mingxiu would usually like Luo Yuchen.

The fans were very creative. All these fan names were from literary word plays. For Luo Yuchen, it was “Breathtaking Beauty Luo Yuchen”. For Xia Mingxiu, it was “Beautiful Like A Summer Flower”.^[1] The word play for their names could also be paired together.

On his blog, I used the user ID of “Cooking Fishes And Destroying Flowers” to refute the various discussions going around, and I eventually became the source of discord on the site.

It was just my ugly, jealous heart at work.

Surprisingly, there were a few of those girls who often argued with me that missed me now that I was gone. Some of their messages were asking, “Where has that cooking and destroying person who always sowed discord gone to?”

After looking through the page, Luo Yuchen couldn’t find my comment, so he became disappointed.

I then saw him look at a new post. He stared at it for a long while.

The topic was very striking: Is there anyone who misses Luo Yuchen’s earring?~~~

Many people commented under the post saying that they were also curious or had the same question. 

Luo Yuchen fell into thought, his face white like snow due to the light from his phone screen. In that moment, his eyes reflected the blue light of the screen and looked very deep.

After work the next day, he didn’t drive home immediately. Instead, he drove to City S Central. He then walked into Lu De Vici jewelry store through a brightly lit path.

He examined the earring section carefully for a long time.

The shopkeepers were several young ladies, and Luo Yuchen was so handsome and eye-catching, so there was no way they didn’t notice. For a long while, they stood to the side and whispered to one another, blush on their faces.

Finally, a brave one came over nervously and asked, “Excuse me, are you Mr. Luo Yuchen? What type of earrings would you like to see? Is it for yourself or a gift for your friend?”

The others who saw this also came crowding around. They didn’t dare to speak, but they all stared apprehensively at Luo Yuchen.

These few ladies were in luck this time. The cool and unsmiling Luo Yuchen who always adopted the “does not speak with strangers” attitude actually gave them a gentle smile.

As if speaking to himself, he said nostalgically, “The earring I often used to wear is from Lu De Vici.”

“I know, I know.” The ladies chattered, “I saw it in a magazine before and even asked my senior about it. It’s indeed a Lu De Vici design.”

“It was given to me by someone very important to me.” Luo Yuchen smiled awkwardly as he explained, “I lost it, but I don’t dare to tell that person, so I can only come here secretly to see if there is another one which I can get. I have to let him see me wear it on TV…”

“Ah~~Is it your girlfriend^[2]? The ladies let out a scream that sounded like excitement but also a sigh.

“It’s someone very important to me.” Luo Yuchen gave a light and charming smile, causing the ladies who were looking at him to be lost in it.

“But… we don’t sell that in shops.” A lady said, “I’ve asked about it before. That earring was specially designed by Mr. Lu De Vici. It is one of a kind.”

Luo Yuchen’s expression immediately changed to one of disappointment. Everyone looked at him with a sympathetic gaze.

“Actually, you can try asking Mr. Lu De Vici himself…” A lady suggested.

“It’s okay, thank you…” Luo Yuchen forced a smile and said, “I think I will try finding it…”

 He walked out of the shop dejectedly.

The street was lit by the beautiful city lights, and people were bustling about. The lively night had just started, but as I looked at Luo Yuchen, I only felt that he seemed cold.

He looked very cold, just like the earring which had sunk under the ice-cold lake.

Things that were thrown out could never be found again. Even if the fake one looked exactly like the real one, it would never be the same.

For us, we could never go back to the way we once were.

He started the car, but I realized he was driving towards the company.

It was already so late, why was he still going to the company?

I gazed at Luo Yuchen. His face was illuminated by the night. He looked calm, abnormally calm. But it looked like the calm before the storm. I felt very unsettled by this.

Don’t tell me he wants to… to…

No, no way.

Although he had done many things that exceeded my imagination for the past few months, I didn’t think he was crazy to that extent.

He drove to the underground parking lot of his company and parked his car. He then walked towards the deep, dark, artificial lake.

I asked him, “Luo Yuchen, what are you trying to do?”

He kept walking towards the lake. Within the darkness, his eyes were firm, and his face was expressionless.

I pulled at him and called out, “Luo Yuchen, you’re crazy.”

I didn’t know whether he was actually crazy or not, but he definitely turned mad. He wasn’t normal.

He wanted to find it again? He wanted to find such a small object from a lake which nothing could be seen in this dark of night?

He must have not expected that he would turn crazy one day and want to find the earring from back when he heartlessly threw it in the lake.

Had he turned crazy, or had the world turned crazy?

I didn’t know, but he was driving me crazy.

Without taking off his shoes, he slowly walked into the water.

The artificial lake wasn’t very deep, but it was just the beginning of April. The cold winds of winter still lingered at the beginning of spring, and the lake had just melted not long ago, making the water freezing.

To add on, what he wanted to find was a small, silver object that had sunk to the bottom of a wide lake. Wasn’t this like trying to find a needle in a haystack?

I didn’t get it. Why did the cold, heartless, practical, and uncaring Luo Yuchen turn so foolish?

Bending his back, he started searching through the lake seriously.

Just how cold was the wind? Just how cold was the water? So what if you found it? Could I be revived if you found it?

Why were you so foolish?

Luo Yuchen, why were you so foolish?

But he couldn’t hear me. He didn’t hear me. He only focused on searching through every inch of the lake, hoping for a miracle to happen.

The moonlight made his face seem holy and pure.

I think I must have turned crazy, but at this moment, Luo Yuchen looked incomparably beautiful. His facial features that seemed to be chiseled by moonlight radiated a faint, silver glow, making him look like an elf standing in water against the dark night.

Despite that, he wasn’t an elf. And there was no miracle in this world.

But he refused to admit defeat and continued searching for it. Gradually, his breath became heavier, and he started trembling. I knew he felt cold.

Yet, he wasn’t willing to go ashore.

While trembling from the cold, he raised a hand and caught the ring hanging in front of his chest. He brought it up to his lips for a sorrowful kiss, then continued searching. 

His face was set with resolution and persevering devotion.

In an instant, a strong emotion overwhelmed me. The feeling was too heavy and complex. I didn’t understand exactly what I felt.

I was once foolish and persevering. However, I realized I was nothing at all compared to the person before me.

My craziness could not compare to his insanity.

I thought he was heartless, but he was much more foolish than me.

He already paid back the love and passion he owed me. Although ten years were only paid back with three months, it led to bruises and injuries all over his body. It was enough. I was satisfied. Please stop torturing him. Please stop letting him torture himself.

What I have suffered wasn’t much if you spread it out over ten years. Please stop hurting my most precious person. I didn’t need fairness. I didn’t need equal treatment. I didn’t want him to stay in this ice-cold water, desperately searching for something that could never be found again.

He didn’t have to love me. I just wanted him to live well and be happy.

It didn’t matter who would give him happiness. It didn’t matter even if I was no longer in his life.

I was being serious this time.

The surroundings were quiet, and nobody was around. There was only him, obstinately searching for something that he could never find again.

A long time passed, and the lights further away gradually extinguished. Even the silver-white moon slowly hid itself. He was cold to the point that he would almost lose consciousness.

I pulled him, hoping to pull him up ashore. However, I wasn’t able to touch him no matter what I tried. His body suddenly swayed. He tried his best to steady himself, but he could only support his forehead with his hand as he continued walking weakly. He staggered a few steps, as if trying to grab hold of something for support. But there was nothing around. As if he lost consciousness, his limbs fell slack, and his whole body fell into the water.

The water was only up to waist level. However, he quietly sank like a rock, not standing back up. I shouted loudly and stretched my hands into the water, trying my best to pull him back. But I couldn’t touch him. Even though he was just right there!

He would die. I knew he would soon die.

I couldn’t let him die.

God could watch me make a joke out of myself. He could watch me helplessly watching the person I loved suffer. He could watch me being unable to hug the person I loved even though he was heartbroken. He could watch me being unable to comfort the person I loved even though he was crying.

However, he couldn’t let me watch him die.

I had nothing left. The only thing that I had was — I loved him.

I could disappear. My soul could dissipate to wherever. In exchange, let me be able to touch him this one last time.

I shouted towards the sky, hoping that someone would hear me and give me this exchange.

I didn’t need to reincarnate. I could use my everything in exchange. I could choose eternal death in exchange for this very last chance.

Please let me touch him one last time.

My obsession, greed, and love would end forever after this.

After this, everything would return back to eternal silence.

For the first time, God heard my wish.

I felt the cold water, his heavy and powerless body, and his hair that floated about the lake. My fingers were hooked on his necklace.

I hugged him tightly in the water.

His clothes were soaked with water and made him heavier. I dragged him ashore with much effort and pumped his chest to make him spit out the water he had swallowed.

His whole body was as cold as the river of April. With his fringe sticking on his forehead, Luo Yuchen’s breathing was faint, and his lips trembled.

I kissed him and slowly blew air into his mouth. My current self actually had warmth and was even warmer than him.

I hugged him, his head pressing against my chest. I could feel the cold and felt happy that I could still give him warmth.

Luo Yuchen had become much lighter. It had always been laborious for me to carry him before, but it was so easy now.

I carried him into the car and switched on the heater. I then helped him remove his wet clothes. There was a large towel in the car trunk, so I took it out and helped wipe his body dry. I took his cold hand and placed them between mine to warm.

God was really kind this time round. Not only did I have a sense of touch, I could also feel warmth.

Coughing lightly, he slowly woke up and saw me.

I had nowhere to escape and could only expose myself before his eyes.

I knew this was wrong. After all, I was already dead.

I shouldn’t be letting him see me again. I looked alive and even had warmth.

With a sore voice, he gritted his teeth and said, “You’re indeed alive.”

I felt lost and didn’t know how I should reply to him. Then, he lunged at me. It was a very weak hug, but I was unable to break free from it.

He cried, asking me not to scare him anymore.

He hugged me tightly and bit me hard on the shoulder.

He kissed my forehead, nose, and lips. His tears made every kiss salty.

Every kiss made my heart jump. Every kiss made me feel shocked. Every kiss made my heart ache. Every kiss made me sorrowful.

As if ascertaining that I was alive, he pinched my face just like he had done so evilly in the past. Then, he smiled and said, “I’m not mistaken. This is my Xiao Heng.” 

I didn’t know what to say or do. He was right before me hugging and loving me, and I was also loving him.

But I knew. No matter how beautiful it was now, everything would disappear into bubbles.

Everything might end the very next second. I might dissipate the very next second.

Yet, Luo Yuchen was still immersed in his incomparable happiness. I pushed him to rest on his seat, but he wouldn’t let go of my hand no matter what.

He said, “I won’t let you go again this time.”

I never knew how moving it was to see Luo Yuchen lying there obediently with a gentle smile and his eyes full of tears.

He was no longer the cold and charming person. At this moment, another kind of image overpowered, his fragile and heart-wrenching image.

“I always thought you wouldn’t leave me.” His voice was so hoarse and every word he said hurt, but he still tried his best to speak. “You’re always by my side, preparing and doing everything for me. Now, I ended up not knowing how to do anything myself and can’t live without you… I’m so stupid. Why did I never realize? You have already known and must have been planning this for a long time. You knew that I can’t live on if you leave… You’re so sly. See, you have gotten the results you want…”

He looked at me and muttered with a smile as tears flowed down from the corners of his eyes.

My heart ached so much, and my tears started falling uncontrollably.

When I was in my soul form, I didn’t have any tears. No matter how sad I was, I could only keep it in my heart and was unable to vent.

A dead person could never cry again. That was probably why people wished to die.

“Don’t cry Xiao Heng…” He heartbreakingly helped wipe my tears when he saw me cry and said, “I’m just kidding, don’t cry. You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re very good. It’s my fault. Everything is my fault… I’m the sly one. I always knew that you are good to me, so I took advantage of you and felt that you will still treat me well even if I don’t do anything…”

“I won’t be like this anymore. I will treat you well. I will cherish you and take care of you, so don’t cry… Xiao Heng, Xiao Heng?”

I heard him calling me. It wasn’t so clear when I first heard it, but the fear in his voice made me open my eyes. I saw him wanting to wipe my tears, but I couldn’t feel his touch.

I lowered my head to look at my hands. They were starting to turn invisible.

My god… Right before him? …How cruel!

Luo Yuchen widened his eyes. He shot up from his seat and tried to hug me, but it was all in vain.

It looked strange and absurd as his hand went past my half transparent body.

He said, “Xiao Heng, Xiao Heng. You’re just joking with me right?”

He gave himself a hard slap, as if trying to wake himself up from a nightmare.

I wished to give him one last smile, but only my tears flowed.

He lunged at me again trying to hug me, but he only ended up crashing down to the side. He looked at me, his eyes full of fear and despair.

Everything was going to end soon.

No matter how much I couldn’t bear to leave, the day to leave still came in the end.

I looked into his eyes that were filled with fear, helplessness, and powerlessness and said lightly, “Luo Yuchen, take care.”

My hand could no longer touch him, but I still placed it insistently on his hand. I felt that this was enough. I didn’t need a hug or kiss that led to nothing. I only wished to see my hand in the palm of his hand. 

The many years of bitter love and the countless amount of words I have said could only turn into “take care.”

All the hurt, suffering, unwillingness, regrets, love, and apologies had finally reached an end.

From now on, I would no longer exist. Would my yearning still linger by your side without an end?

I was going to disappear soon. Where would I go? Where would my love for you go?

I’ve already given up my next life. Would we ever meet again?

I could no longer hear his voice. I could only see his crazed expression, him trying to grab hold of me and his overflowing tears.

Luo Yuchen, Luo Yuchen… 

I couldn’t bear to leave. I really couldn’t.

I wanted to hug him one last time.

I was still such a greedy person till the very end.

But there was finally no more one last time.

Things have finally set in stone and could never return to the past.

Was it you who realized far too late, or was it me who gave up far too early?

Or was it someone who watched us from somewhere making an evil joke since the very beginning?

I was never a smart alec, and I have always been an indecisive person. Why was it that I was so decisive at the most undesired time, the time when everything couldn’t be redeemed ever again?

I asked this question to heaven and earth and to both tangible and intangible things, and I would keep asking. Because, I would never be resigned to this.

I no longer had a soul, a next life, or any chances. I could no longer push aside the old lady who sold tea by the Narakade Bridge^[3] to wait for him and follow him to the next life.

Therefore, I would never ever be resigned to it.

Nevertheless, I still wished that Luo Yuchen would be happy. Please forget about me quickly and live happily in a world without me and in a world which I couldn’t continue to protect you quietly by your side.

In this way, I could perhaps dissipate with a smile because I could finally be rest assured.

At the time when I could no longer be selfish, I could finally smile and wish for your happiness with someone else.

Everything before my eyes became blurry and fragmented. I could no longer differentiate nor feel myself.

But I could feel water dripping. Drop by drop, the scalding water fell onto my heart.

Even if I could no longer love or feel pain, I would never forget this.

Luo Yuchen, these were the tears you cried for me.

I finally dissipated and scattered like wind and dust, joining the eternal solitude and darkness.

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Footnotes

[1]The word play for Luo Yuchen is “洛雁辰鱼落予尘” which has his characters of his name “洛予辰” in it. The first four words which is“洛雁辰鱼” sounds similar to an idiom “沉鱼落雁”, which is used to refer to someone that is very beautiful, when a fish(鱼) sees her, it will be so dazzled, it forgets to swim and sink under the water(沉), when a bird雁) sees her, it will forgets to fly and falls off the sky(落).

The word play for Xia Mingxiu is “生如夏花闭月修”, which also has his characters of his “夏明修” inside. It is also used to refer to someone that is very beautiful. “生如夏花” means that he is like a summer(夏) flower. “闭月修” comes from the idiom “闭月羞花”, which means that the person is so beautiful the moon will shy away in embarrassment (causing an eclipse), and she is so beautiful she can shame flowers.

The two idioms, “沉鱼落雁” and “闭月羞花” were used to describe the four beauties of ancient China. 沉鱼 refers to Xi Shi, 落雁 refers to Wang Zhaojun, 闭月 refers to Diao Chan and 羞花 refers to Imperial Consort Yang. The two idioms can be combined together or used separately, so Xiao Heng said that the word play behind their fan names could be paired together.

[2]“He” and “she” sounds the same in Chinese. Even though Luo Yuchen was referring to a guy when he spoke, the staff misunderstood it as a girl.

[3]Narakade Bridge – Narakade Bridge is believed to be the point where people will enter their next life. At the bridge, there will be an old lady called Meng Po who will give the spirits a bowl of Meng Po soup which helps them forget the memories of their past life, so that they can enter their next life.

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