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Chapter 1: The Grief of the One Who Loses Their Way


Translator: Resonance

我一直以为人死后是没有灵魂的。即便有,那也一定是生前执念太深或者有太多的怨怒和不甘,最终化成厉鬼,徘徊于世间。

I’ve always thought that there wouldn’t be any souls left behind when people died. Even if there was, they probably existed due to their deep obsession, strong resentment or unwillingness. They would ultimately become evil ghosts and roam the world.

现在看来其实并不是这样。

Looking at it now, that doesn’t seem to be the case.

我死了。

I’ve died.

割腕自杀。

I committed suicide by cutting my wrist.

死得时候其实也没有太多的执念、怨恨和不甘。

When I died, I wasn’t obsessed with something, resentful or unwilling.

就是觉得再活着也没有什么意思了。

I just felt that there was no more meaning in life.

人真的绝望到一定程度的时候,死并不是一件恐怖的事。我只记得,冰冷的水流过手腕的切口,一池水慢慢从粉色变成朱红,然后我慢慢阖上眼睛。

When a person reaches a certain level of despair, dying isn’t a scary thing. The only thing I remembered was the ice cold water flowing over the wound on my wrist and the pool of water slowing turning from pink to bright red. Then, I slowly closed my eyes.

终于,放下了一切。终于,可以对他放手了。

I’ve finally let everything go. I’ve finally let him go.

这次是真的放过你了。

This time, I’m really letting you go.

那么,衷心希望你能够幸福。

From the bottom of my heart, I hope you find happiness.

我没有想过还能醒来,当然“醒来”这个词现在对我来说是没有什么意义的。应该说,我没想到还能看到光,起先只是模模糊糊的重影,我并没有自觉,总之现在回想起来,应该是身体很轻,仿佛被什么牵引着,我开始像树叶子一样飘起来,悬在空中,没有温暖也没有寒冷,没有痛苦也没有悲伤,只是轻轻地飘起来,周围一片黑暗静谧,但是冥冥之中,什么牵着我向前走。

I’ve never expected that I would still wake up. Of course, “waking up” is a meaningless word to me now. Perhaps, I should say that I’d never expected myself to see the light again. Initially, everything was just a blur and I had no awareness. Anyway, now that I think about it, my body was very light, as if dragged on by something. I started floating about like a leaf and hung in the air. I didn’t feel warm or cold. I also didn’t feel pain or sadness. I just floated lightly. My surrounding was dark and quiet, but I was dragged on forward by something.

然后,突然有一丝明亮,渐渐,更加明亮,我看到了怀念的灯光。

Then, there was a sudden ray of light. Gradually, the light became brighter and I saw a nostalgic light.

眼前的景物,逐渐明晰起来。

The scene before me gradually became clearer.

我梦游般地环视,熟悉到不能再熟悉的地方,我和他曾经的家。

I looked around me in a trance. It was an awfully familiar place. It was his and my home.

红木地板,大大软软的白色沙发,落地的艺术台灯仍然点着昏黄温馨的光晕,照着他恬静的睡脸。

The flooring was made of redwood and there was a soft and large white sofa. The decorative floor lamp was emitting a dim and warm yellow light as usual, lighting up his quiet sleeping face.

我几乎是第一时间地开始欣赏起来。

I started admiring this sight almost instantly.

他喜欢在软软的沙发上开着暗暗的台灯入睡,而且睡得极不老实。而我则喜欢在他入睡时偷偷坐在旁边,看着他那张刀削的俊美的脸,以及银色十字架耳坠闪耀的淡淡光华。

He liked to sleep on the soft sofa with the dim table lamp switched on and he always tossed and turned when he’s asleep. As for me, I liked to sit by the side, secretly watching him when he was deep asleep. I liked watching his chiseled, handsome face as well as the silver cross earring shining faintly.

“嗯……”他微微翻了个身,似乎觉得冷,伸手摸索着花纹繁复的印度毯子。

“Hnn…” He turned over slightly. Seemingly feeling cold, his hand stretched out to find the intricate Indian blanket.

毯子早被他翻来覆去弄到了地上,以前都是我偷偷一次次帮他盖上,而现在我却爱莫能助。

Due to his tosses and turns, the blanket had long fallen onto the floor. In the past, it was always me who secretly helped him with the blanket. However, I’m unable to do so now.

摸不到被子,他被迫醒了过来。我就如同平日偷看他被抓到一样的做贼心情,心里咯噔了一下,然而他的视线平视地扫过我,伸手从地上捞起了被子。

Unable to feel the blanket, he was forced awake. Similar to the times I was caught peeping at him, my heart jumped like a thief that was caught. Nevertheless, his sight swept past me. He stretched out his hand and picked up the blanket on the floor.

他看不到我。

He couldn’t see me.

他伸手的时候,实际上是穿过了我,而我们却都没有感觉。

When he stretched out his hand, his hand had went through me. However, both of us felt nothing.

无所谓,反正在他能看到我的时候也总是无视我,他能碰到我的时候也就是尽量能不碰就不碰了。

It doesn’t matter. In the first place, he always treated me as invisible even when he could see me. When he was still able to touch me, he always tried his best not to.

我看着他在顷刻之间继续沉入梦乡。

I watched as he continued sleeping.

其实我应该尖叫,我应该歇斯底里,我应该抓着上帝的领子拼命晃他问他这到底是怎么回事。

I should be shouting. I should be in hysteria. I should be grabbing god by the collar, shaking him and asking him just what was going on.

然而我没有见到上帝,我没有见到黑白无常,我没有见到哈迪斯,我没有见到任何一个传说中的死了之后能够见到的起码能给我指个方向的人。

However, I didn’t see god. I didn’t see the Black and White Impermanence. I didn’t see Hades. I didn’t see any legendary figure that could be seen when one died to give me a direction.

我死了,没上天堂,没下地狱,莫名其妙地变成了孤魂野鬼。

I died, but I didn’t go to heaven or hell. I’ve ridiculously turned into a lonely ghost.

而且缚在他身上,这个的学名是什么,地缚灵?

I’m even bounded to him. What’s the term for this? Earthbound spirit?

我觉得我肯定是做错了什么程序,比如说像《人鬼情未了》里一样,天堂的大门在身后打开了,我不小心没看到;或者是黑白无常今天有事,就把不小心我丢在了这里。

Something probably went wrong with the procedures. Maybe, my situation was like the story “Ghost”, where the gates to heaven opened behind me but I didn’t see it. Or perhaps, the Black and White Impermanence were busy today and accidentally left me here.

或者是,在我满不在乎的表象下,有太过激烈的执念、委屈和不甘。

Or perhaps, I thought that I didn’t care but was actually full of obsession, resentment and unwillingness.

我不知道。

I don’t know.

从我再次有意识的时候,我就飘在他旁边了。说飘,也不妥当,就是身体很轻,但是脚还是踏在地面上,仿佛活着一样。

When I started growing awareness, I was already floating by his side. Floating wasn’t a really accurate word to describe myself. Although my body was very light, my feet were still touching the ground, as if I was alive.

他当然看不见我,也不知道我的存在,但是随着他的移动,我却会被他牵着走。

Naturally, he couldn’t see me. Neither did he knew of my existence. However, when he moved, I would be dragged along with him.

我目测了一下,最远大约不过半径三米以内。

I made an approximation and the furthest I could go was a three-metre radius from him.

最初恢复意识的时候其实是之前,我突然发现我在车里,而他一脸疲惫地睡在后座,一看就是又上了一整天的节目。

Actually, the first time I gained awareness was earlier. I suddenly realized that I was in a car and he was sitting at the rear seat with a tired face. I could tell that he had a fully scheduled day.

大明星,也难做。

It’s so hard being a celebrity.

我伸手,却碰触不到他的发丝。

I stretched out my hand but was unable to touch him.

然后就跟他回到了这个熟悉得不能再熟悉的地方。

Then, I followed him back to this awfully familiar place.

还是我挂的没有品味的嫩黄色流苏窗帘,上面印着可爱的小鸭子,和整个房间带着几分奢华而简约的气氛格格不入。

The curtains were still the unseemly yellow tassel curtains hung by me with cute ducks printed on it. It didn’t match the luxurious yet simple looking room in any way.

摆设都没有什么大的变动。

The arrangement of the room didn’t change much.

只是桌上的相框里,不再是我贴着他,晕乎乎地看着太阳花的相片。而换成了他和那个人,那人秀丽明亮,穿着小猫的服饰,笑得一脸灿烂,而他被迫穿着狗狗的衣服,仍然俊美高挑一脸冷酷,却有几分难以察觉的浅浅温柔。

But in the photo frame above the table, it was no longer the picture of me sticking to him, looking at a sunflower dazedly. It has changed to him with the other person. In the picture, the bright and beautiful person was wearing a kitty apparel and smiling brightly. He was forced to wear doggy apparel but still looked tall and handsome. Although his face was cold, there was still a trace of warm that was hard to detect.

早就知道肯定是这样了,真让我看到了还是觉得丧气。

I already knew that this would happen but I still feel disheartened when I saw it.

想人家两大明星,不仅私底下真心相爱,连明面上,都是公司推出的官方配对。粉丝一大堆,每天官网上,博客上,一堆花痴的祝福刷屏看得眼睛都花。

The two of them were both famous celebrities. Not only did they love each other privately, but they were also made an official pairing by the company. They had many fans. Every day, a bunch of lovestruck fans would send their blessings on the official website and blogs. Just scrolling through would make one’s eye dazzled.

每次都想跳上去吼一句,十年内,他洛予辰是我肖恒的人!

Every time I saw this scene, I always felt like jumping in and shout: In ten years, Luo Yuchen will be mine, Xiao Heng’s!

现在回头想想我就像普遍小说里的讨厌女二号(不好意思,一般男二号都是招人爱的,而女二号是找人厌的)一样横插一杠,连累得一对有情人也不得善终。

Now that I think about it, I’m just like the hated second female lead (villainess) in every novel. (Sorry, usually the second male lead is well liked but the second female lead is always asking to be hated). Like a trouble maker, I disrupted the love between a couple and got the bad ending I deserved.

最后终于我也像普遍妨碍主角幸福的邪恶配角一样,落得不得善终的下场。

In the end, I got the bad ending of a villainess who hindered the main couple’s happiness.

我又发现,我执意贴在墙上的几幅他的巨幅华丽海报被他拿掉了。

I also realized that the huge and magnificent poster of him that I’ve insisted on sticking on the wall were removed by him.

不知道扔在了哪里,我还一直很宝贝那些的。

I’ve no idea where he had thrown them too. Man, I’ve cherished them so much.

罢了,什么时候了,还计较这些。

Nevermind. Why am I still fussing about this now?

他进浴室,因为那三米的范围,我还能够不用那么卑鄙地去偷看人家洗澡,即便如此,隔着磨砂玻璃,从透出浴室的一点微光里仍然能够看到那高挑健美的身形。

When he entered the bathroom, I could peep at him shower less despicably due to the three-metre radius boundary. Even though the glass was frosted, I could vaguely see his, tall, beautiful and well-built figure.

现在还要看他,大概也就是因为这般沉迷过深,我才在他身上成了地缚灵一类的东西。

Even now, I still wished to look at him. Maybe I’m too obsessed with him that I became his earthbound ghost.

本以为,死了就能逃开的。

I had thought that I could escape after I died.

可曾想,居然迷途不知返,连死了,心都还在他身上。

I didn’t learn from my mistake. My heart was still with him even after I died.

只是总算还好,因为死了,所以再也不能从他身上索求什么,再也不能强迫他屈尊纡贵地天天对着我掉价的一厢情愿。

Still, it’s not too bad. Because I’m dead, I won’t be able to ask him for anything. I wouldn’t be able to force his highly figure to satisfy a lowly figure like me every day.

灵魂好像是不用睡觉的。

A soul doesn’t seem to need sleep.

所以等他进入了梦乡,我贪婪地看,因为不能摸,不能抱,只能贪婪地看,就是看着,也感觉满足。

Hence, whenever he sleeps, I will look at him greedily. Because I couldn’t touch or hug him, I could only watch him greedily. Even if I could only watch, I’m satisfied.

我真是病入膏肓,无药可医。

I’m truly beyond cure.

十年了。

It has already been ten years.

我早该知足。

I should be content.

犹记当年纯真日子,一起驰骋在绿茵球场上,一起笑着,壮志雄心地说踢完青年杯就进国家队,将来一辈子一起踢球。

I still remember our innocent days. We ran together on the green soccer fields and laughed together. We said ambitiously that we would enter the national team after winning the youth cup, that we would play soccer together forever.

他的名言就是:洛予辰是最棒的前锋,肖恒是最好的守门员。

His saying was: Luo Yuchen is the best forward and Xiao Heng is the best goalkeeper.

还记得他回过头,逆着夕阳,年轻的脸上放射着绚烂的光华。

I still remember his young face shining brightly as he turned his head around against the setting sun.

他说,有肖恒在后方,我最放心了。

He said: With Xiao Heng behind me, I feel rest assured.

因为这一句,在他不知道的地方,我偷偷花了多少努力,浑身是伤,义无反顾。

Because of this sentence of his, I practiced hard and relentlessly without him knowing, even when I was full of injury.

那时候,他当我是最好的朋友,我披着最好朋友的外衣,享受着他的温暖。那时什么都还没发生,什么都还没变故。

At that time, he treated me as his best friend. Wearing the coat of ‘best friend’ I enjoyed his warm. At that time, nothing happened and nothing changed.

那段日子永远是记忆中的珍宝。

That period of time was my most precious memory.

不知道什么时候,天已经亮了。我被刺耳的闹钟声吓了一跳,我们在一起的时候从来不定闹钟,因为我喜欢亲自叫他起床。

Unknowingly, the sky has already brightened. I was startled by the piercing ring of the alarm clock. When we were together, the alarm clock was never used. Because, I liked waking him up personally.

因为我特别喜欢起床的时候那个迷迷糊糊的洛予辰。

Because, I especially liked the dazed Luo Yuchen when he just woke up.

因为只有他迷迷糊糊的时候,看我的眼神,才不会那么冷漠。

Because, it was the only time he wouldn’t look at me so coldly.

只有他迷迷糊糊的时候,我做什么,他才不会生气。

It was his dazed moments when he wouldn’t be angry with whatever I do.

他起床,随便洗漱了一下,换衣,出门。

He woke up and casually washed up. Changing his clothes, he went out.

没有吃早点。

He didn’t eat breakfast.

他天生胃不好,以前每天早晨我都提早给他热好牛奶。虽然他每次都很不耐烦,但是多少会吃一点,而现在……我一点办法也没有。

He was born with a weak stomach. In the past, I would prepare a glass of warm milk for him every morning. Even though he was always annoyed, he would still eat a little.  But now… I couldn’t do anything at all.

事实上,已经和我无关。

To be honest, it was already unrelated to me.

被他带着进到车里,看着他没有表情的脸,我开始严重地自嘲。人都死了,还要替他担心?生前他就不稀罕,此时此刻,连自己都觉得自己有点贱。

I was brought into the car by him. Seeing his expressionless face, I started laughing at myself. I’m already dead, why am I still worried about him? He didn’t even care about my concerns when I’m alive. Right now, I felt that I’m very pathetic.

我于是不看他,扭头看车窗,暗色的玻璃上倒映着他的侧脸,没有我的影子。

Therefore, I didn’t look at him. Turning my head away, I looked outside the car window. The dark glass reflected the side view of his face and didn’t have my reflection.

真是,见鬼了。

Damn it.

自己站着,倒是看得到自己的手脚,但是在所有具有反射作用的东西里,完全看不到。

I could see my own hands and legs when I stood. However, I couldn’t see myself at all in all the possibly reflective items.

碰不到东西,不是穿过,就是被穿过。

I couldn’t touch anything. It was either me who go through them or them that go through me.

我可以出声,但是没人听得到。

I could speak but no one could hear me.

根本就是被全世界抛弃了。

I’m basically abandoned by the world.

算了。

Forget it.

到了摄影棚,我跟着他下了车,进了大楼,不禁有些忐忑。其实我并不是没有来过,这整栋楼整个公司曾经都是我的,摄影棚我也明里暗里偷偷跑来看过他数次,可是都只能离得远远的。

Reaching the studio, I got off the car along with him. I couldn’t help but feel perturbed as I entered the building with him. Actually, I’ve came here before. This entire building and company was once mine. I’ve came to the studio to watch him both openly and secretly numerous time. However, I’ve always watched from afar.

今天却可以站得那么近,欣赏大明星的绝世风采。

Yet now, I could stand so closely to him and admire this celebrity’s magnificent figure.

洛予辰天生俊逸逼人,身段的完美和皮肤的细腻都不是化妆品和衣服能堆砌出来的,即便如此,还是要被拉去画上厚厚一层,套上量身定做的衣服。等一切准备就绪,我的性感天神,闪亮登场,光华绚人。

Luo Yuchen was naturally handsome and attractive. His perfect body and exquisite skin wasn’t something that could be forced out using makeup and costumes. Nevertheless, he was still dragged into putting on a thick layer of makeup and to put on a custom made costume. After all preparations were complete, my sexy god appeared glamorously. He was gorgeous and brilliant.

几台摄像机各角度动作,洛予辰乖乖地摆着各色造型,或成熟,或性感,我看到旁边的工作人员一个个眼都直了,甚至有东西从手上滑落都没有觉察。

The cameras moved in various angles and Luo Yuchen posed in various style compliantly, be it mature or sexy. I saw all the workers beside me staring straight at him, unable to look away. Some of them didn’t even realize that they’ve dropped the item they were holding in their hands.

我曾经多次躲在暗处的角落里,看着这一幕,然后甜蜜和微酸的心情混杂着。

I have often hid myself in a dark corner and watched this sight. Then, my heart would feel both sweet and sour.

甜蜜,因为这个万众瞩目的人,是我的他。

Sweet – Because this person that everyone was looking at is mine.

微酸,因为太多太多的人看着他,倾慕他,而他,玻璃般冰冷的眸子,没有看着任何人。

Sour – Because lots and lots of people were looking at him and admiring him. Yet, his eyes were cold like ice, with no one in his sight.

他很少笑,拍出来的单人时装照,全部是一脸冷酷。

He rarely smiled and took all his photos with a cold expression.

偏偏多少人爱死了这一层冷酷。

Yet, many people loved his cold demeanor.

只有在和夏明修一起拍照的时候,难得露出,些微的一丝柔情。

The only time he showed any trace of affection was when he took photos with Xia Mingxiu.

我想,他俩单独在一起的时候,他说不定还会笑。

Perhaps, he might have smiled when the two of them were alone.

其实很久以前,他总是笑得无忧无虑。

A long, long time ago, he was always smiling without worry.

全怪我。

It’s all my fault.

“洛予辰先生……”

“Mr. Luo Yuchen…”

总摄影师突然停下,堪堪开口。

The photographer suddenly stopped and spoke.

洛予辰没有动,用眼神示意对方说下去。

Luo Yuchen didn’t move. Using his eyes, he signaled the person to continue speaking.

果然是我旗下的大牌。

Sure enough, he’s a bigshot under me.

“这个……可不可以请您把耳环先去掉一下……”

“Um… Could you please remove your earrings for a moment…”

我上下打量了他一番,他身上穿着顶级LU DE VICI的正装西装,配着那只十字架的耳环,仔细看着确实有些别扭。

I observed him. Indeed, the cross earring looked a little mismatching with the top quality Lu De Vici suit he was wearing.

如果我还活着,下次见到被誉为设计届首席的LU DE VICI先生,就有机会嘲笑他了。我会说,小路,你本人亲手设计的独一无二的耳环,和你自己旗下的西装居然搭不起来啊。

If I was still alive, I would definitely laugh at Mr. Lu De Vici who is reputed as a chief designer the next time I see him. I would say: Xiao[1] Lu, the earrings you personally designed, which is one of its kind, did not match with the suit designed by your subordinate.

洛予辰瞟了一眼摄影师,摄影师明显惴惴不安,旁边的人也都紧张地捏了把汗。

Luo Yuchen gave the photographer a glance. The photographer was visibly uneasy. The people by the side were also sweating due to nervousness.

那是当然,洛予辰出道五年,大红大紫,造型也变过不少个,唯一不变的就是左耳上的银色十字架。

Of course they were. Luo Yuchen has debuted for five years and achieved tremendous success. He had numerous changes in style. The only thing that never changed was the silver cross earring on his left ear.

多少综艺八卦节目的主持人千方百计地套话,就是想得知这枚耳环的由来和背后的故事。

Many hosts in variety shows tried all they could to sweet talk him, just to know the origin and story behind the earring.

说到这枚耳环,可能是我人生少有的得意之作。

Speaking about the earring, it was one of the few things I’m proud of in my life.

那个其实是,我送他的十八岁生日礼物。

It was actually a gift to him from me during his eighteenth birthday.

大概是所有我送他的礼物中他唯一看得上眼的。毕竟是专程找世界首席潮流设计师LU DE VICI为他量身定做,所以挑剔如他,仍然喜欢。

It was probably the only decent looking one amongst all the gift I gave him. After all, I specially looked for the world famous chief fashion designer Lu De Vici to custom make this earring for him. Therefore, even the picky him still liked it after so long.

不能摘下来,是我勉强他的,勉强他戴了快十年。

I was the one who forced him to never remove it. I forced him to wear it for almost ten years.

现在,他已经不需要再勉强戴着了。

Now, it was no longer necessary to wear it.

果然,他摘了耳环,随意扔在一边的地上,就一如他一向随意丢了我能够付出的一切努力一样。

Indeed. He removed the earring and randomly tossed it one side onto the floor, just like how he was able to throw away all my efforts.

我已经习惯了,这么一天迟早要来的。虽然我看着它的发生,但是毕竟算是我死后的事情了,可以不算。

I’m already used to it. This day would come sooner or later. Although I saw it happen, it doesn’t count since I’m already dead.

自然有狗腿帮他立刻捡起来。

Naturally, some small fry would quickly pick it up for him.

然而这次捡起的人却有一双修长的腿,完美的身架,他抬起身的时候就像慢镜头,金色的头发,五官清秀俊美,带着无奈的笑意。

However, the person who picked it up for him had a long pair of legs and a perfect figure. When he stood back up, it was as if everything was on slow motion. He had golden hair and his exquisite facial features carried a helpless smile.

夏明修。

Xia Mingxiu.

还是一如既往,生命里带着太阳的光辉。

As always, he was like a sun, shining brightly at life.

完美得叫我活着的时候嫉妒得要命的人。

He was a perfect person that I was so jealous of when I was alive.

现在我总算可以以局外人的正常审美公正地评价他。

Now, I’m finally able to evaluate his appearance normally as an outsider.

“夏明修先生也到了!”

“Mr. Xia Mingxiu is here too!”

洛予辰和夏明修对视一眼,只是一眼而已,我却在洛予辰眼里看到了从来没有见过的温度。

Luo Yuchen and Xia Mingxiu looked into each other’s eyes for a moment. It was just a moment, but I could see the warmth in Luo Yuchen’s eyes. One that I’ve never seen before.

其实倒并不是没有见过,见过,只是洛予辰从来没有那样看过我而已,见过他和夏明修的每张合影,都有同样的眼神。

Actually, I did see it before. I’ve seen it, though it was never directed at me. Every time he and Xia Mingxiu took a photo together, he always had that similar eyes.

输得彻底是早就明了的,没有任何翻身能力的必败的棋局。

I knew that I have already lost thoroughly. I was fighting a losing battle which I had no chance of turning the tides.

因为情人的心从一开始就不在我身上,因为情敌实在是过于强大。

Because, my lover’s heart was never with me. Because, my love rival was just too strong.

夏明修时下走红程度完全不下于洛予辰,却没有那一份狂傲的气势和大牌的架子。可能是路线不同,基本来说洛予辰是纯歌星而夏明修偏向影星,洛予辰的强势和霸气在舞台上淋漓尽致,而夏明修在萤幕上塑造的温柔邻家大男孩的形象,也让无数纯情少女沉溺其中。

Xia Mingxiu’s current popularity did not lose to Luo Yuchen one bit. However, he wasn’t arrogant and he never acted like a bigshot. It may be due to the different paths they took. Luo Yuchen was purely a singer, but Xia Mingxiu leaned towards being a movie actor. Luo Yuchen’s strong and domineering demeanor can be let loose on the stage. As for Xia Mingxiu, the gentle ‘boy next door’ image created for the screen caused many innocent teenage girls to be infatuated.

现在,温柔的邻家大男孩在一旁的破凳子上静静地坐着,微笑着看着西装领带的大明星继续工作。一瞬间有些剥落的墙壁化身成了宫殿的华丽廊柱,破板凳变成了王座,夏明修从容地坐着,王子一般优雅。脸上的笑容,比他最经典的电视剧里坐在花架上等待女主角的纯真笑容,还要耀眼。

Now, the gentle ‘boy next door’ was currently quietly seated on a shabby stool by the side, watching the celebrity in a suit and tie continue with his work. In an instant, the walls which paint was slightly peeling off became a gorgeous palace colonnade and the shabby stool became a throne. Xia Mingxiu sat there leisurely and looked as elegant as a prince. The smile on his face looked even brighter than his innocent smile when he sat on a flower stand and waited for the female lead in his most classic television drama filmed.

比我好上千万倍的人……

Someone who is a million times better than me…

这个认知我是从来都有,只不过今天格外强烈而已。

I knew this since the beginner. However, it felt especially stronger today.

洛予辰拍完这则LU DE VICI的广告之后紧接着要和夏明修一起去拍一则情人节巧克力的宣传广告,在转到下一个摄影棚的路上,我看见夏明修拿着那枚耳坠,要还给洛予辰。

After Luo Yuchen finished his photoshoot for the Lu De Vici advertisement, he and Xia Mingxiu had to immediately head to another photoshoot for a Valentine’s’ Day chocolate advertisement. When they were heading to the next studio, I saw Xia Mingxiu taking the earring, wanting to return it to Luo Yuchen.

洛予辰淡淡看了一眼,说:“扔了吧。”

Luo Yuchen glanced at it indifferently before saying, “Throw it away.”

我心脏的地方还是被刺了一下。

I felt a stab in my heart.

我还以为死了就不会再疼了,可见是胡扯八道。

I’ve thought that one wouldn’t feel pain after he died. It seems like it was all nonsense.

“说什么呢。”夏明修瞪了他一眼,执意要把耳坠塞回他手里。

“What are you saying.” Xia Mingxiu glared at him and shoved the earring into his hand.

“是肖恒送的。”洛予辰还是淡淡,却仿佛在看垃圾一般看着那个银色的东西,那个眼神是我一向最为惧怕的,让我一瞬间无地自容。

“It’s a gift from Xiao Heng.” Luo Yuchen was still indifferent. However, he was looking at the silver object as if looking at garbage. Those were the eyes I feared the most. In an instant, I felt so ashamed.

可是总归他不知道我在这里,不用对视,对我而言好了许多。

But anyway, he didn’t know I was here and didn’t have to face me. This was great news for me.

“知道,你不用为了跟我表决心这样,又不是东西的错,白金的还是名牌呢,快快戴上戴上。”

“I know, you don’t have to show me your determination this way. It isn’t the item’s fault. It’s made of silver and it’s even branded, quickly wear it.”

我讶然,虽然早知道夏明修和我不一样,但是不知道他居然能如此心胸宽广。

I was amazed. Even though I knew Xia Mingxiu was different from me, I didn’t expect him to be so broad-minded.

或许正是因为他没有妒忌心,因此从来不会变得丑恶,只会越来越美。

Maybe it was due to his lack of jealousy that he wouldn’t become uglier but would only become prettier.

洛予辰从夏明修手里接过来,往窗外一抛。

Receiving the earring from Xia Mingxiu’s hand, Luo Yuchen threw it out of the window.

外面是公司的人工湖,养了天鹅。

Outside was the company’s artificial lake which was raising swans.

银色的光华划出一道绚丽的弧线,沉沉没入水中。

The silver colored brilliance formed a brilliant arc before sinking into the water.

就像把现金砸到水里一样,倒算是最后也听着了个响,我觉得这样也很愉快。

It felt similar to pouring cash into the water. At least I got to experience wasting money like a rich person in the end. I guess this isn’t so bad.

你这是干什么!我都没火,夏明修反倒怒了。

What are you doing! I didn’t even flare up. Yet, Xia Mingxiu was raging.

我看了那东西就讨厌!洛予辰漠然道,然后自顾自地甩掉夏明修,自己掉头走掉了。

I feel disgusted seeing that thing!  Luo Yuchen said indifferently. Then, he ignored Xia Mingxiu and walked away by himself.

留下夏明修一个人对着一帮面面相觑的工作人员。

Xia Mingxiu was left behind facing a bunch of staff.

我即刻幸灾乐祸起来,原来不只是我,夏明修招惹了洛予辰,也是要遭到这种待遇的。

I gloated immediately. So it wasn’t only me. If Xia Mingxiu angered Luo Yuchen, he would also receive such treatment.

可惜的是我没看出来夏明修脸上有委屈,甚至没有黯然。之后的糖果广告,拍起来还是笑容灿烂。

Regrettably, I didn’t see a hurt expression on Xia Mingxiu’s face. He didn’t look dejected either. In the subsequent candy advertisement, he was still smiling brightly in the photos.

那广告的布景是一个摆满粉红色气球的可爱小屋,夏明修和洛予辰系着柯南版的红色系领结,抱着甜甜的糖瓶,浑然天成地和谐美好。粉色的温馨灯光下,夏明修清秀的脸庞显得像水果一般粉粉嫩嫩,而洛予辰竟然也有一丝可爱起来。

The background of the advertisement was a tiny house filled with pink balloons. Xia Mingxiu and Luo Yuchen were wearing a red bow tie similar to the one worn by Conan. Hugging the sweet candy jar, they looked so harmonious. Under the warm pink lighting, Xia Mingxiu’s pretty and delicate face looked as tender as a fruit. Unexpectedly, Luo Yuchen also looked a little cute.

等发售时,一定官方网上又要不停地出现“好可爱的两只”。

When this is put up, the official website would probably be flooded with people commenting “this two cuties”.

真的,真的很相配。

They looked really, really compatible.

水嫩嫩的青春少年,和我那其貌不扬的外貌,非常鲜明的对比。

There is a distinctive difference between the not so good looking me and this tender looking young man.

其实在遇到洛予辰之前,我自认为自己长得还是算“帅”的,遇到他被他比下去并且很快被他彻底征服了之后我又遇到夏明修,我自认为自己虽然没有他好看但是应该比他MAN比他更有魅力,但是很明显数百万粉丝和洛予辰都不这么认为。

Actually, before I met Luo Yuchen, I had thought that I was considered “handsome”. After meeting him, I was quickly defeated. Then, I met Xia Mingxiu. Although I felt that I wasn’t as good looking as him, I was probably more “man” and had more charm than him. But obviously, the hundred thousands of fans and Luo Yuchen didn’t think so.

人比人,气死人啊。

If you compare yourself with others, you would only anger yourself.

这一辈子是栽了。

He was done with this life..

拍摄结束两人又忙着一起去赶通告,反正是官配,节目也常常一起上,当然今天洛予辰耳朵上少掉了耳坠立刻引起了八卦女主持的逼问。整场就看洛予辰毫不捧场地黑着脸,而夏明修则做好好先生,急急忙忙在一旁努力打圆场。

After the photoshoot was over, the two of them had to rush off to film a public announcement. Since they were made an official pairing, they attended many programs together. Of course, Luo Yuchen’s bare ear today got the attention and questioning of the nosy female host. Throughout the whole event, Luo Yuchen’s face was black without caring about where he was. Xia Mingxiu did well as a Mr. Good, trying his best to improve the mood.

夜幕降临的时候,两个人好不容易忙完一天,一起走到停车场,夏明修拉开洛予辰副驾驶座的车门就坐了进去。

When night came, the two of them finally finished an entire day of work and walked together to the carpark. Xia Mingxiu opened the door to the front passenger seat of Luo Yuchen’s car and sat inside.

想想也是,我已经从我们的“家”搬出去好几天了。

Well, this wasn’t unexpected. I have already moved out of our “home” for a few days.

我搬出去,夏明修自然就要搬进来。

Since I moved out, it’s normal that Xia Mingxiu would move in.

之前是我一直赖着不走,奉行只要旧的不去,新的就不能来原则。

It was me who didn’t want to move away, strictly upholding to the principle: ‘old does not go, new does not come’.

现在配角终于退场,于是主角们继续他们的故事。

Now that the side character was finally gone, it was the main character’s time to continue the story.

反正他们同居,被报道出来只能让粉丝们更狂热而已,哪像我,跟他住一起总要想尽一切办法遮遮掩掩。

In any case, if the news of their cohabitation is leaked out, it will only make the fans more fanatic. It was a stark difference from me, who had to hide the fact that I was living with him no matter what.

大明星和娱乐公司老总同居,说出去多难听呢。

It would be so distasteful to hear a celebrity cohabitating with the director of an entertainment company.

“喂,之前耳坠的事,我还没说完呢。”我刚想清净一会儿,却听到夏明修这么说。

“Hey, I’m still not done regarding the matters of the earring.” Just when I thought I needed a moment to calm down and think, I heard Xia Mingxiu speak.

我看到洛予辰骤然黑下来的脸色,心道这是他发飙的前兆,这种时候,识相的立刻闭嘴才好。

I saw Luo Yuchen’s face instantly darkened and thought that this was the warning sign that he was about to rage. At times like this, it’s wise to stop talking.

“肖恒哪里让你这么讨厌他?”夏明修却仿佛没有眼色一般,继续问。

“Why do you hate Xiao Heng so much?” Not batting an eye to it, Xia Mingxiu continued asking.

虽然夏明修貌似是在替我说话,但是撞了枪口我就不能负责了。我于是等着看好戏,看他被凶。

Xia Mingxiu is seemingly speaking up for me, but I won’t be responsible if he stirs up a hornet’s nest. Hence, I waited for the drama. I waited to see him getting scolded.

结果洛予辰只是冷冷地叫他闭嘴。看得出来洛予辰是用了全部克制力,才挤出这么一句。

In the end, all Luo Yuchen did was coldly asking him to keep quiet. I could tell that Luo Yuchen used up all his self-control to force out that sentence.

如果换作是我,三番两次题他不想说的话题,说不定已经被揍了。

If it was me, I would probably be beaten up for asking him these taboo questions repeatedly.

我活着的时候确实贱,被他打,好像也是习惯的事情了。

I was really pathetic when I was alive. Getting beaten by him seemed to be a habitual thing.

有几次伤得很严重,不得不去住院。

Sometimes, the injuries were so serious I had to be admitted into the hospital.

现在想想,活着的时候那日子过得,还真不如现下好。

Now that I think about it, my days alive were much worse than now.

但是夏明修先生显然不够了解洛予辰,他不仅没有闭嘴,反而义正词严地说:“洛予辰,请你好好说话,我知道你们的事。我知道他用尽手段把你留在他身边是他不对,但是既然他已经放过你了,你能不能起码不要仇视人家?”

However, it seemed that Mr. Xia Mingxiu did not understand Luo Yuchen well enough. Not only did he not keep quiet, he continued righteously, “Luo Yuchen, please have a proper talk with me. I know the matters between the two of you. I know he was wrong to use improper means to keep you. However, he has already let you go. Can you at least not be hostile towards him?”

我闻言彻底愣了,然后忍不住大笑,肖恒你真是悲惨,居然沦落到情敌都可怜你,为了帮你说话不惜触怒那个人的地步。

I was stunned when I heard him. Then, I couldn’t help but laugh. Xiao Heng, you’re so pathetic. Even your love rival pities you. He didn’t mind angering that person just to speak up for you.

笑完了,反思一下。

After laughing, I reflected.

夏明修是个好人,我早就知道。也认识很久了,但是因为洛予辰,我从来没有办法把他当朋友看。他不知道为什么,却很努力地想当我的朋友,对我很热情,什么事情都主动帮忙。但我不行,他什么都能帮我,但是最关键的事情上他帮不了我。

I’ve long knew that Xia Mingxiu was a good person. I’ve also known him for a long time. However, I was unable to treat him as a friend because of Luo Yuchen. He didn’t know the reason but still tried his best to be my friend. He treated me with warmth and always tried to help me. However, I couldn’t accept him. He could help me with everything except the most important thing I needed.

他能把洛予辰让给我么?不能。

Was he able to give Luo Yuchen to me? He wasn’t.

所以我自然还是妒忌他、讨厌他。

Hence, I was jealous of him and hated him.

出乎意料地,洛予辰居然闷不吭声了。我看着他阴晴不定的表情,又笑了,原来这个暴躁高傲的洛予辰也有吃瘪的时候。一面又感叹,夏明修毕竟和我不一个段数,他得罪完洛予辰,却能坐在副驾驶座上,气定神闲,换作是我,一定即刻被洛予辰轰下车,然后可怜兮兮地走回家。

Surprisingly, Luo Yuchen kept quiet. Seeing his ever changing expression, I laughed again. Looks like the violent and prideful Luo Yuchen also had times he have to admit defeat. Then, I sighed. Xia Mingxiu and I were essentially at a different level. After offending Luo Yuchen, he could still stay seated at the front passenger seat unperturbed. If it was me, Luo Yuchen would have driven me out of the car immediately and I would have to walk home myself pitifully.

而现在,他只能长叹一口气,继续开车。

But now, he could only give a long sigh and continue driving.


Footnotes:

[1] Xiao – Xiao(小) here means ‘little’, usually used as endearment. Xiao Heng’s surname of Xiao(肖) is not the same Xiao.


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